thoughts from a cafe.

Morning is slowly lighting the face of the mountains surrounding me. Black silhouettes become green trees, dark gray clouds change from the deepest to the softest of pinks, growing brighter with each passing moment. People drift in and out of this little cafe nestled in the middle of the valley I call home, voices lilt back and forth still heavy with sleep, being doused with gulps of coffee. Four o'clock came early this morning and my bed was really warm and the last thing I wanted to do was drag myself out of it...but, life is too short to sleep until the last possible second every morning. There are mornings when, rising before the birds begin to sing, becoming intimate with the stillness of the morning in all its deepness before the sun has turned her face towards you, this is worth losing the extra sleep for. Sitting outside this little cafe before it opened, having an early morning conversation with my Mom, still in somewhat of a fog from the lack of coffee, I watched the sky grow lighter, remembering just how much I miss this when it's been too long since the earliest of early mornings and I have spent time together. So, tucked away in my little corner table, the coffee is steaming hot and french pressed, the eggs and toast are delicious, the smell of bacon lilts through the air, and I realize again how deeply in love with mornings I am.

So do men apparently....because, I'm pretty sure I've been the only girl in this place since it opened. Either that, or these guys just love their pastries really fresh. It's probably that;) What's the deal, ladies?? I know y'all love mornings too...or at least some of you do. Honestly, I'm an aspiring morning person. I love going to breakfast with friends, but during said breakfasts I'm a fantastic listener, because until you get about two cups of coffee in me, my mouth doesn't work that well. However, I'll sit for hours listening to you talk. Funny thing about writers, we love listening and then processing everything and spitting it back out in whatever form we choose to write in. You should make friends with a writer just to have someone listen to you. Seriously.

So this verse for this morning:

"God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns." 

-Psalm 46:5

Absolutely love this! Best part? I didn't see it until I was sitting here this morning:) Jesus is awesome. It seems that in the quiet of these early mornings, He speaks into the stillness of my heart, before it has become busy with the day, with whatever else is going on in my life and in the lives of those around me. Echoing through the caverns of my heart, His voice is clear and sweet and beautiful. And here in this place the chaos is silenced, the voices that would scream in and press forward are sent fleeing back into the darkness as light and life and joy are spoken here in the silence, and it is here that I know Him and He knows me, and this is truly all that matters. With every day that passes, with desires that I have that long and ache to be fulfilled, I'm learning just how unimportant they are next to Him, to knowing all He is, discovering a God that is living and breathing, laughing and loving and yet, serious for that which must be taken seriously. He is enough. And in this place, this is the thought that takes over all others. He is enough now and He will be enough in the future, for no matter what desires we have, he trumps them all. It is in Him that all joy is found, so if He chooses to take away or not fulfill what I would like, I will still bless His name because, He is enough.

"I love the Lord, because He hears my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live." -Psalm 116:1, 2

to be known.

It's an interesting fact that each of us searches, pursues, longs, and aches, to be known. I've been thinking about this a lot in the last few weeks, that I have this deeply rooted desire to truly be known, not known in the way that I often am...known in the deepest way. To have someone want to jump in forever and get to know me. For me. By myself. For no other reason than to just know me unlike anyone else, beyond what I've chosen to show, and simply want to be that person who will stand next to me, pressing me into my Savior and witnessing my life.

I'm pretty sure that as women, we are all longing for this, whether we're single and waiting on that person, or if we're in a relationship where we don't really feel known. By the way ladies, let me just say from experience, it's way worse to be in a relationship where you're not truly known than to be single. Seriously. Way. Worse. And I hear it often from so many in my life, that same phrase repeated over and over and over, "Maybe my standards are just too high...because, I don't think there's really anyone out there who will live up to what I want." Worst mistake ever to lower your standards and jump into a relationship that is not what it should be...especially when you know it. I've thought this too...I've thought it over and over...maybe I want too much, maybe I'll never know what it really is to know a man who is totally given to Jesus, maybe I should just get over it and jump into the next best thing that comes along. Yeah. I'm sure now that this is partly true, there is no man out there who will live up to the standards I'm looking for. Because, if Jesus is the standard, then we're all falling short, yes, especially you and I (because as women, where do we come off thinking that we've got it all together?! Pretty sure we're not living up to the standards of that Godly man who's been setting up standards to compare us to either) but, the point is that we are trying our hardest with every moment that passes to be more like Jesus.

Man, with every day that passes, I'm seeing more and more that I'm totally not going to get it together to the standards that I'm holding up. Whew! Not happening. But, you know what? I'm going to try as hard as I can to press into my God with everything I have. And I'm confident that He who is in me, He lives up to everything I'm looking for and everything others are looking for in me. This is an amazingly wonderful thought! I'm actually not doing any of it, I'm just falling down before Him and crying out that I simply do not have it in me, I don't have the strength or goodness or the slightest propensity to be what He wants me to be, but thankfully He does.

"Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus."  -Philippians 3:12

And in this lies the secret. We are known by a man who died for us, Who formed our inward parts, and who desires to know our hearts unlike any other man you will EVER meet. You. Are. Known. Pretty amazing and wonderful fact! Is it easy to remember? Nope. Definitely not. Because we're still human and we're still women and often our emotions grab hold of us and take off like a wild horse you just happened to accidentally take out for a leisurely afternoon ride. Yeah, that turns out to be the farthest thing from leisurely ever! Yay us! It's like we're sitting there, absolutely knowing that Jesus is the only one that truly fulfills us, that we won't be fulfilled in a relationship if we're not fulfilled while we're single, and even though we know this, that moment will hit us just right and the next thing we know, we're lying in a heap on the floor (or bed...FYI: the bed's way more comfortable for an emotional hiccup...just sayin) freaking out because we're never gonna find "the one" and we're gonna die old and alone and what in the world is wrong with us, because we're SUPPOSE to be strong Christian women and how did this happen?!?!?

Ah, hello human nature. This is really hard, I don't care who you are or how long you've been walking with the Lord, it's still super hard!!! And if someone is telling you it isn't, that they are always fine, and they're emotions never run away with them, then, well....I'm sorry, but that's simply not true. Now, do we stay this way? Do we swim around in the muck and mire of this emotional bog we find ourselves in? Um, that's a very big, NO. Why? Because honestly, the bottom line is that we do not rely on our emotions to dictate our actions and lives. We rely and trust in the fact that we are children of the Living God who died for us because He loves us too much to leave us the way we are. That's the bottom of bottom lines. Life is hard, our emotions stink, but He is bigger than all of this! And in Him alone is fullness of joy found. Yeah, I don't know about you, but wow, I need to hear this and repeat this to myself every. single. day. 

He is amazing and wonderful and faithful and His goodness seriously blows me away every day that I draw breath. Maybe it's all kinda starting to sound cliche to you, but let me tell you, get into His word, drink it in like a person dying of thirst, and without a doubt, you're going to be blown away by this God who loves you more than you can comprehend.

He absolutely does not care what image of femininity you bring to the table. Maybe you don't fit into the box of femininity that has always been placed before you. The amazing thing about Jesus is that His light shines through us despite the way we dress, despite the tattoos, or piercings, or perfectly feminine dress, or purple hair, or lace, or any of the other things we do or do not carry and wear upon us. You paint a beautiful picture of femininity that I do not, and I paint a beautiful picture that you don't...yay for being individual and having personal relationships with Jesus! (Note: Please do not write me telling me how this can be taken to the extreme, because obviously anything can be taken to the extreme. And I am not sitting here encouraging you to go get covered from head to toe in tattoos and piercings, however, I do not think any of this has any weight upon Christ working in the heart of a woman. Frankly, I could care less what a woman looks like on the outside, the only thing we as Christians should be looking for is the light of Christ shining through those that we often judge. And this is not a post addressing modesty or the way we should dress, so please take this for what it is and don't make more of it. I am not in the habit of writing with double meanings behind my words, so do yourself the favor and let it be:) )

I love that He takes us just the way we are, bringing us face to face with Him and utterly changing our lives to reflect all that He is. I love that He does indeed fulfill us, making our lives overflow with His joy like a river rushing forth. I love that He holds us close, comforting us and binding up our broken hearts when we crumble at His feet. I love that we as women can be women with this Savior who saved us from all we deserved. I love that you, whomever you are reading this at this moment, no matter your age, your current place in life, whether you're single, married, or widowed, He knows you. He knows every curve and bend and beat of the heart He created within your chest. He knows every desire and longing and the ache that keeps you awake in the deep of the night. And in the silence of the heart that He fashioned within you, it is there that He speaks light and life and love into all you are. For beyond all you are, He is. Beyond all you will ever be, He is. He is and He knows you. 

So, whether you are single, married, or widowed, He is the culmination of all that will fulfill you for all of your days. He is walking out this life with you and witnessing all of your moments, gently asking that you will allow Him in, that you will know Him as well, and He is pursuing you with every sunset that alights the sky into flames of orange and gold, with every wave that crashes upon every shore, with every rainbow shining forth His promises, with every tree gently swaying in the breeze upon the mountain's face, and every cloud bringing forth the rain, with every moment that touches you deep within the well of your heart, He is pursuing all that you are. Do not allow this to become a cliche in your life. For this is truth that is solid and unchanging. You are a child of the Living God. Live your life in such a way that beyond all you feel, He is greater still.

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6

this day.

It's a beautiful hot coffee, overcast sky, drizzling rain, I might just be in England, sort of day. The kind of day that would willingly envelope you, holding you close, blocking out the rest of the world and all the voices screaming that nothing will ever be the same. The kind of day when the black words typed out across a white space where a blinking cursor waits, is all that matters. Music lilts and for a moment, for the tiniest second in the vast expanse of this life, I'm simply writing words that I hope will make space and loosen the vice that squeezes down, trying to convince my heart that beating is the hardest thing in the world. I wish I was one of those writers who could go one writing, not allowing my emotions to catch up and dance about with the words that come out. But I'm not. I'm not interested in writing what isn't really the truth, or trying to convince my readers that I'm perfect and my life is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong because I have it all together. That's so far beyond the truth it makes me want to burst out laughing right here! I definitely do not have it together, my life is far from perfect, and I hurt, because life just hurts sometimes...but, I know who holds my days, I know who catches each tear I cry in a bottle and stores them in Heaven, and so beyond the pain and hurt and feeling helpless, He is greater still. And the knowing doesn't make the hurt less, but it does make the joy greater.

In this moment though, when the pain is great and the hurt tries to silence the joy, I write because if I don't, I feel like it might drown me...the words that don't come out. And I have to have perspective. I have to know that breathing in and out, listening to the rhythm in my chest, tapping out the dance of my fingers across black keys, painting the words across empty space, this is enough. Jesus is enough. Beyond the hurt that twists like a knife, He is still enough. And He has created a day that is like balm unto my soul. When the quiet is deep and the clouds above deeper still.

Surrounded by the low hum of voices, coffee is sipped, cups and saucers sing out a familiar song as they are brought back together again, laughter, books are lifted to faces to be examined and judged, being set down again. Row upon row of colorful faces, their covers beckoning and speaking of nothing that is truly within, poetry and fiction, classics and biographies, all speak a small portion of what they may or may not really hold within their pages.

Today...today....today would be a good day to stumble into Narnia. Today, I would like to walk through the deep of Aspen groves, listening to the stillness that only comes after the rain. To hear the drip of water left behind on emerald green leaves, running from one to the other, clear and clean in the heart of the trees. To walk along creek banks that gurgle and laugh, dancing through tall grass, singing with the pebbles and rocks in their path, pushing and pulling, wearing smooth and shining bright, despite the low clouds above. Rambling along deep in the woods, mountains surrounding every side, the world would fade away, a distant memory caught up and its lines blurred when in the midst of beauty not made by human hands. Perhaps here, deep in this place, Mr. Tumnus would wander out, and he and I would go back to his little cave, talking of wonderful things, eating toast with honey and toast with sardines and of course cake, over steaming hot cups full of tea. And he would not try and lull me to sleep and turn me over to the White Witch, because winter is gone from our mountains, and we both know the White Witch has been defeated. Instead, we would talk about Aslan and how wonderful He is, how He has changed our lives and of how excited we are for adventures with Him in the future. Yes. This is what I would do if I possibly could today.

For there is something about that, about leaving behind the world if only for a time, and becoming lost in all He has made. Lost in all that proclaims who He is. There is something about knowing Him as Aslan and then coming back into the reality that surrounds me, knowing that just as Aslan defeated the White Witch in Narnia, Jesus has saved me from the enemy in the world in which I truly live. And this is truth and not a story made up. This is what my life depends on. It especially depends on it in times like these when the pain is still great. My heart hurts, its beats protesting the pain that can hurt but not kill, and here, now, in order to keep beating the way it should, it must know the one Who has saved it from destruction and all it deserved. I must know that there is a deep and abiding joy that is found deeper still beyond the pain, for this is life abundant. 

Ah, and my soul knows it well. For I have gazed into the face of the One who has saved my soul, and that is beauty and life beyond compare. And caught up in all He is, the pain fades and hope is restored that He will work all things for the good of those who love Him.

"For You, O Lord, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands."  -Psalm 92:4

The Gospel.

It's been too long...I begin to grow restless when my fingers have not flown across the keys in too long...and then I start writing way too long statuses on Facebook and I don't think anyone appreciates a too long status ;) But, the days are flying by like the wings of a hummingbird beating, swiftly passing one after the other like the tides upon the shore, and I get swept in and caught up, wondering where all the changes will lead. 

So many changes. A life full and overflowing and good. I am blessed. I am blessed to be where I am, to work where I do, to love whom I love...ah, but there it is, the longing for more still. The deep and never ending call unto my heart for that which I will always seek. I wonder often at this one life...how one moment can change everything, how a flash of light upon your heart can reveal things which you never knew were there, how holding still, waiting, wanting, all of it wears deep grooves that are there forever, etching out the story of our lives on the heart that beats with the rhythm of our years and months and days and moments. 

The sky is like a bluebird this morning. No clouds, only that aching blue that could swallow one up like the sea. The air is cool and dry and I am completely gone on this place that I live. 

The thought keeps pushing in, nudging to be thought on. You see, I can write eloquent posts, I could write novels and stories and use the words I pen for whatever I wanted...but, the truth is, if I am writing on my own, alone, with no purpose but to pen beautiful words, then what I am writing, what I'm spending my time on is useless. For the nudging and longing and calling is there, always. It is as much a part of me as the heart beating in this chest, and this heart has heard the voice of the One who died to save me, who loves me beyond all I can imagine, and so the beats are pounding out the rhythm of the Savior to whom my heart belongs. And in this, in Him, I lost my life to truly find it. Losing the life I had before, it's the best thing I've ever lost. I would not have it back again for all the world. 

This is not an original idea and has been written on many times. Yet, I have watched first hand over the last several months, and perhaps it's not just recently, but that I am now fully seeing, that the news that I heard, the God who changed my life, is being dumbed down to a level that absolutely breaks my heart! The Gospel is simple, so simple, and what I am seeing is how we overcomplicate it. We take it in our hands, turn it over, examine it, and decide that it must be too complicated to be shared as it is, and so we take this precious story, this news that is meant to change lives, and over simplify because, obviously, a child could not understand it for what it is and it needs our "help" in order for others to understand it. What are we doing, Church?! We are not meant to dumb down the Gospel to be understood, but to deliver it with all its power to a world that is dying!! We are meant to give Jesus as light and life and in His full glory, and trust that we do not have to change the delivery, but to have faith and trust that this news changes lives and expect those it is given to to rise up to meet it! If we deliver in such a way that it becomes a joke, that even children do not take it seriously, we have lowered our expectations and in doing so, have taken power out of what should be the MOST life altering news EVER given. If we dumb down this story beyond recognition, conviction is lost, and THAT should break our hearts beyond all imagining. Lives depend on that conviction. 

Yeah, this is me on a soap box. And I will absolutely stay on this soap box until the day I die, because Jesus Christ has utterly changed my life. He has saved me from eternal separation from Him, and made me His child! I deserved every lash of that whip across His back, I deserved to have those nails driven through my hands, I deserved to be hung up on that cross, but He looked down through the ages, He saw me and loved me too much to let me take the punishment I deserved. This. Is. Life. CHANGING. News. And the beautiful part of this story is that He did the exact same thing for you. As if you were the ONLY person on this earth. If you HAD been the only person on this earth, the story would not be any different, but in fact, would be the same. Because He loves you for you. Because you are His child. And this great love for you and I, it loves too much to leave us the way we are. It comes in and transforms our lives, so that everything about us now reflects the utter joy, love, peace, courage, and strength of the Living God. 

I worked for a ministry for a couple years who produced a short film on their take of the Gospel. I was there when the ideas were being thrown back and forth about what that should look like, how it should be presented, down to the costumes and music. Listening in on all of that, being able to watch it take form and eventually filmed, that was one of the greatest privileges of my life. So, though I am no longer with them, though we may not agree on every little detail, I want everyone who reads this to know that I absolutely support the vision and hearts behind this video. I am absolutely sick to death of a church that divides itself from within, because we are absolutely ineffective in our delivery of what the Gospel is when we are divided over that which at the end of the day, does not matter. At the end of the day, Jesus is all that matters. So, if you've watched me over the last year and a half, wondering where I stand, wondering what happened, I want you to know right now that my heart beats along side theirs in how they have delivered this film. It is still one of the most powerful visions I've seen to present the Gospel. So, here it is, please click play and watch it with an open heart. For Jesus loves you far more than you could ever understand and is calling you to life abundant with Him. Lose your life that you may FIND it.

change and unchanging.

The moon is huge tonight. Lights twinkle in the distance, a dog barking, car engines coming and going, these the background song to the words. This night is still, quiet and sleepy in a way only very full days can be.

Boxes are being packed, one life is ending, left behind in mountains that rise up to touch the face of their Maker. Another life is beginning where the horizon bends down to kiss the water below. Change. It seems to be the only consistent thing in this life. With each item I put away, with every moment that slips through the hour glass, I feel it coming. Though I am not leaving this place that has captured my heart, those who have always been here with me are, and so though I am not the one going, it would seem that my life is tied in and drastically affected by the change wrought in those around me.

I have never really been afraid of having life change. It has conditioned me from a young age to expect that this will happen often. Some changes have been wonderful, some not, but always the tide ebbs out, taking what would seem constant and shifting it even in the slightest of ways. I love that about this sweet and uncertain life, the knowing that things are bound to be different eventually, that even the waiting does not last forever, and that though it may take a bit, things will change. Doesn't always make it easier, but it definitely helps:) I have known what it is to have things shift suddenly, with no warning, just wham. I have felt what it is to have pain engulf me, jerking me up and spinning me around, then sitting me back down to see what it has wrought. I have known joy with no warning as well, having the most wonderful moments catch me by surprise, lifting me up to dance, then sitting me back down to watch the smile spread across my heart. I have known both and I have learned from each in their own way, the depth of my Father's heart.

There have been times, especially in the last few months, when knowing that something had to change eventually is what kept me smiling. Yet, despite knowing that it will all be different, not fearing it comes from knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that, though everything around me may ebb and flow like the sea, my soul is not cast about by this, but held tight and secure by the hand of a God whose love is never ending, boundless, unchanging, and faithful. He is unchanging. And my heart is His, secure in the knowledge that even if things do not turn out the way I want, He is in control and nothing can shake the confidence found in Him. Which is awesome.

And wow, it's amazing to know that if we are His, our lives can go absolutely crazy around us and yet in the midst of the storm, in His arms, there is security and peace and this amazing crazy love that just can't be understood, but which we feel with every fiber of our being! And this is unchanging. He is unchanging. Man, I'm so thankful for that. I am so thankful to know that I can trust Him with everything. All the changes and craziness and life in all its wild sweetness, it's all His anyway, and beyond all I know or can see, I know who holds my heart and on this rock is where my soul is built.

His.

It's the quiet Voice on the wind, softly speaking, gently asking, never pushing...beckoning. The stillness all around is deep and boundless and heavy. Yet, it is here, in this place, that His voice echoes through. And the caverns of my heart with all its twisting corridors and corners, echo back with the answer that my soul would cry. Would I give up what I want most to have more of Him? My flesh cries out with every fiber which makes it up, "NO! No, no, no, no....I want what I want!!!" 

His voice presses, deep calling unto deep, calling out that which my flesh does not want, crying out to the spirit He has placed inside the heart of His child.

Here the echo grows loudest, echoing back to the Spirit of the Living God, "YES! Father, I would have more of You. At any  cost, I would give back to you all I desire most."

The words are hard. Truth is hard. To choose that which fights against our flesh is....war. And the battle rages...and I am tired. This bone weary, when will I have answers, haven't I asked long enough tiredness, it aches and yearns and wears until all would be worn down to being thread bare. And yet, when His voice calls, when it calls forth strength and courage and the knowledge that, no matter how the story ends in this life, I know the true ending beyond all I can see...when this happens, a strength courses through the heart that beats with the Voice of the One who gives life and hope and joy unimaginable. It is here, in this place, when the battle rages most fierce, when all I want fades dim, it is here that I see so clearly the eyes of the One who gave everything, and it is here that the love He bears is felt far deeper than when I am in the shallows and not being asked to give back desires placed on my heart.

But, ouch. Because loosening the iron grasp of what we hold close hurts. Standing with hands open and heart surrendered, the pain courses along with the joy, because giving back hurts, but the joy in knowing that though I cannot see the outcome I do know He works all things for the good of those who love Him, this joy far outweighs the pain felt.

And His grace is sufficient. It goes beyond all I am, all we are, surpassing all I can see or feel or know, filling up the cracks and grooves of lives surrendered to Him, until they overflow with the goodness that only He gives. For He is faithful. Always. Forever. End of story.

The river flows fast, the sky dark and beautiful. And peace, like the river that sings outside my door fills the air and all I am. For, though I do not know what the future holds, I know I am His child and this is and always will be more than enough.

In the dark and quiet of this night, that same voice echoes...calling unto your heart. For you are His child and He is pursuing all you are with every fiber of His being. In the stillness, deep calls unto deep, and your Father's love would envelop and surround you. Pursue His heart. For you are loved by the One who created the very air you breathe, and He is for you, beyond all you can see or feel or know.

if rivers spoke.

The words won't come. And all I would say, all that pushes and pulls, bends and twists, begging to come out, simply won't. Thoughts dance, my heart keeping time to the rhythm...a slow steady lilt, harmonizing to the rushing river outside my door.

What would he say if he could talk, this mighty rushing body of water? What would I ask, if I knew his voice would echo back, deep and clear and true. Would the stories bubble from his tongue, stories of days past, of ages and times, men and women, and the dance of life witnessed as his waters rushed on? Or perhaps his voice would speak of the One who created the crevice and filled it with water that rushes through and into every moment of every beating heart's life. There it is, the song of a God, the voice of the One who thought of the very place to lay the waters, held together by banks of emerald green, sprinkled with the bright, shining colors of laughing little flowers. His song, the river's song, written by He who would give so much more abundantly than I could ever imagine to His child. 

I would sit and talk with this river if I could. And we would speak of much, if rivers spoke. Of things deep and rushing and true. He would tell me how, like his waters, the love of the One who made Him rushes all about His children, at times like a flood, lifting like a stone the children He so loves. And there I have found myself, carried deep, pushed down and beaten, worn and smoothed through this great rushing love, until the edges of a soul jagged are worn smooth, reflecting the gaze of a Savior who loves more deeply, more true, more clear and sweet than any rushing river on the earth. This river and I, we would talk of how pain, it teaches and molds and smoothes out like no other teacher can, of how, when held in the Creator's hands, all that once could never be, now is. For like five small stones chosen by one small shepherd boy, when we are smoothed out in His hands, we can be slung forth with perfect aim to bring down giants and bring glory to His name. 

And we would laugh too, for rivers hold such joy in the depths of their waters. Here I see the deep and abiding joy of a God who laughs bigger and carries joy unimaginable, joy overflowing in every ounce of His being. This river would tell me of a joy that flows through a soul given to its God, until even in pain there is still the joy of being a child of the Living God. For rivers know that beyond the wearing and smoothing and pain and hurt, when you have reached the end and flow into the sea, it is here, when we are pressed beyond ourselves, swallowed up in all He is, that we are held most close to the heart of He who loves beyond all knowing. It is here I would stay. In the deep. In the midst of a love I cannot explain, to gaze forever into the eyes of the One who holds my heart in His hands. 

Yes, this is what we would speak of, if rivers spoke.