this day.

It's a beautiful hot coffee, overcast sky, drizzling rain, I might just be in England, sort of day. The kind of day that would willingly envelope you, holding you close, blocking out the rest of the world and all the voices screaming that nothing will ever be the same. The kind of day when the black words typed out across a white space where a blinking cursor waits, is all that matters. Music lilts and for a moment, for the tiniest second in the vast expanse of this life, I'm simply writing words that I hope will make space and loosen the vice that squeezes down, trying to convince my heart that beating is the hardest thing in the world. I wish I was one of those writers who could go one writing, not allowing my emotions to catch up and dance about with the words that come out. But I'm not. I'm not interested in writing what isn't really the truth, or trying to convince my readers that I'm perfect and my life is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong because I have it all together. That's so far beyond the truth it makes me want to burst out laughing right here! I definitely do not have it together, my life is far from perfect, and I hurt, because life just hurts sometimes...but, I know who holds my days, I know who catches each tear I cry in a bottle and stores them in Heaven, and so beyond the pain and hurt and feeling helpless, He is greater still. And the knowing doesn't make the hurt less, but it does make the joy greater.

In this moment though, when the pain is great and the hurt tries to silence the joy, I write because if I don't, I feel like it might drown me...the words that don't come out. And I have to have perspective. I have to know that breathing in and out, listening to the rhythm in my chest, tapping out the dance of my fingers across black keys, painting the words across empty space, this is enough. Jesus is enough. Beyond the hurt that twists like a knife, He is still enough. And He has created a day that is like balm unto my soul. When the quiet is deep and the clouds above deeper still.

Surrounded by the low hum of voices, coffee is sipped, cups and saucers sing out a familiar song as they are brought back together again, laughter, books are lifted to faces to be examined and judged, being set down again. Row upon row of colorful faces, their covers beckoning and speaking of nothing that is truly within, poetry and fiction, classics and biographies, all speak a small portion of what they may or may not really hold within their pages.

Today...today....today would be a good day to stumble into Narnia. Today, I would like to walk through the deep of Aspen groves, listening to the stillness that only comes after the rain. To hear the drip of water left behind on emerald green leaves, running from one to the other, clear and clean in the heart of the trees. To walk along creek banks that gurgle and laugh, dancing through tall grass, singing with the pebbles and rocks in their path, pushing and pulling, wearing smooth and shining bright, despite the low clouds above. Rambling along deep in the woods, mountains surrounding every side, the world would fade away, a distant memory caught up and its lines blurred when in the midst of beauty not made by human hands. Perhaps here, deep in this place, Mr. Tumnus would wander out, and he and I would go back to his little cave, talking of wonderful things, eating toast with honey and toast with sardines and of course cake, over steaming hot cups full of tea. And he would not try and lull me to sleep and turn me over to the White Witch, because winter is gone from our mountains, and we both know the White Witch has been defeated. Instead, we would talk about Aslan and how wonderful He is, how He has changed our lives and of how excited we are for adventures with Him in the future. Yes. This is what I would do if I possibly could today.

For there is something about that, about leaving behind the world if only for a time, and becoming lost in all He has made. Lost in all that proclaims who He is. There is something about knowing Him as Aslan and then coming back into the reality that surrounds me, knowing that just as Aslan defeated the White Witch in Narnia, Jesus has saved me from the enemy in the world in which I truly live. And this is truth and not a story made up. This is what my life depends on. It especially depends on it in times like these when the pain is still great. My heart hurts, its beats protesting the pain that can hurt but not kill, and here, now, in order to keep beating the way it should, it must know the one Who has saved it from destruction and all it deserved. I must know that there is a deep and abiding joy that is found deeper still beyond the pain, for this is life abundant. 

Ah, and my soul knows it well. For I have gazed into the face of the One who has saved my soul, and that is beauty and life beyond compare. And caught up in all He is, the pain fades and hope is restored that He will work all things for the good of those who love Him.

"For You, O Lord, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands."  -Psalm 92:4

The Gospel.

It's been too long...I begin to grow restless when my fingers have not flown across the keys in too long...and then I start writing way too long statuses on Facebook and I don't think anyone appreciates a too long status ;) But, the days are flying by like the wings of a hummingbird beating, swiftly passing one after the other like the tides upon the shore, and I get swept in and caught up, wondering where all the changes will lead. 

So many changes. A life full and overflowing and good. I am blessed. I am blessed to be where I am, to work where I do, to love whom I love...ah, but there it is, the longing for more still. The deep and never ending call unto my heart for that which I will always seek. I wonder often at this one life...how one moment can change everything, how a flash of light upon your heart can reveal things which you never knew were there, how holding still, waiting, wanting, all of it wears deep grooves that are there forever, etching out the story of our lives on the heart that beats with the rhythm of our years and months and days and moments. 

The sky is like a bluebird this morning. No clouds, only that aching blue that could swallow one up like the sea. The air is cool and dry and I am completely gone on this place that I live. 

The thought keeps pushing in, nudging to be thought on. You see, I can write eloquent posts, I could write novels and stories and use the words I pen for whatever I wanted...but, the truth is, if I am writing on my own, alone, with no purpose but to pen beautiful words, then what I am writing, what I'm spending my time on is useless. For the nudging and longing and calling is there, always. It is as much a part of me as the heart beating in this chest, and this heart has heard the voice of the One who died to save me, who loves me beyond all I can imagine, and so the beats are pounding out the rhythm of the Savior to whom my heart belongs. And in this, in Him, I lost my life to truly find it. Losing the life I had before, it's the best thing I've ever lost. I would not have it back again for all the world. 

This is not an original idea and has been written on many times. Yet, I have watched first hand over the last several months, and perhaps it's not just recently, but that I am now fully seeing, that the news that I heard, the God who changed my life, is being dumbed down to a level that absolutely breaks my heart! The Gospel is simple, so simple, and what I am seeing is how we overcomplicate it. We take it in our hands, turn it over, examine it, and decide that it must be too complicated to be shared as it is, and so we take this precious story, this news that is meant to change lives, and over simplify because, obviously, a child could not understand it for what it is and it needs our "help" in order for others to understand it. What are we doing, Church?! We are not meant to dumb down the Gospel to be understood, but to deliver it with all its power to a world that is dying!! We are meant to give Jesus as light and life and in His full glory, and trust that we do not have to change the delivery, but to have faith and trust that this news changes lives and expect those it is given to to rise up to meet it! If we deliver in such a way that it becomes a joke, that even children do not take it seriously, we have lowered our expectations and in doing so, have taken power out of what should be the MOST life altering news EVER given. If we dumb down this story beyond recognition, conviction is lost, and THAT should break our hearts beyond all imagining. Lives depend on that conviction. 

Yeah, this is me on a soap box. And I will absolutely stay on this soap box until the day I die, because Jesus Christ has utterly changed my life. He has saved me from eternal separation from Him, and made me His child! I deserved every lash of that whip across His back, I deserved to have those nails driven through my hands, I deserved to be hung up on that cross, but He looked down through the ages, He saw me and loved me too much to let me take the punishment I deserved. This. Is. Life. CHANGING. News. And the beautiful part of this story is that He did the exact same thing for you. As if you were the ONLY person on this earth. If you HAD been the only person on this earth, the story would not be any different, but in fact, would be the same. Because He loves you for you. Because you are His child. And this great love for you and I, it loves too much to leave us the way we are. It comes in and transforms our lives, so that everything about us now reflects the utter joy, love, peace, courage, and strength of the Living God. 

I worked for a ministry for a couple years who produced a short film on their take of the Gospel. I was there when the ideas were being thrown back and forth about what that should look like, how it should be presented, down to the costumes and music. Listening in on all of that, being able to watch it take form and eventually filmed, that was one of the greatest privileges of my life. So, though I am no longer with them, though we may not agree on every little detail, I want everyone who reads this to know that I absolutely support the vision and hearts behind this video. I am absolutely sick to death of a church that divides itself from within, because we are absolutely ineffective in our delivery of what the Gospel is when we are divided over that which at the end of the day, does not matter. At the end of the day, Jesus is all that matters. So, if you've watched me over the last year and a half, wondering where I stand, wondering what happened, I want you to know right now that my heart beats along side theirs in how they have delivered this film. It is still one of the most powerful visions I've seen to present the Gospel. So, here it is, please click play and watch it with an open heart. For Jesus loves you far more than you could ever understand and is calling you to life abundant with Him. Lose your life that you may FIND it.