After retreating to a corner of my soul that I could access with relative ease, to lick my wounds and reevaluate those obviously untrue words, I started the seriously painful process of reading back through what I've written in the past. Ok, here's the thing, what I wrote, it was absolutely true at the time. I don't think I've ever been able to write things I didn't believe to simply portray an image. However, and this is a REALLY big however, I've definitely gone through some emotional mess lately, and through the process, something merged together in the best kind of way inside of me. It was as if there had been two of me all along, one who wrote and believed everything taught, unwilling to question, wanting to be the sweet, calm, beautiful, self assured woman who was strong and willing to want the simple and uncomplicated side of life...all definitely true in one sense. BUT then, outside of the screen and the blog and outside of the inside of my head, there was this real person who lived and breathed, was messy and SERIOUSLY complicated (still am), who journaled in a totally different way than she blogged, who was afraid to let anyone know the questions, the doubts, who craved the wild, to break free and live big, whose dreams over took nights, and who had been struggling with some serious anxiety (a kinda new development), who was relating to the mess and questions more than to the simple answers and quaint pictures she'd painted. And somehow, just like that, the two selves merged into one...well, it wasn't exactly THAT easy, it's been more more like a hurricane sweeping through my soul and leaving some serious mess in its wake...BUT, still, the two that I'd always felt warring against each other, were suddenly still and here I stood at thirty, head spinning, trying to figure out how to navigate life as just me. This one person.
Then, I had to admit that you were right, friend. You were right and I've been wrong in a way, but really, I've just been trying my damnedest to figure out who I am. And maybe I'll have other battles, and maybe I'll still suck really bad at being super honest with myself (and you). But, this is me trying. Because, at the end of the day, no matter what else I am, the writer still surfaces. So, when you asked me why I hadn't written anything in so long, this was why. I had to let the dust settle, and THEN I had to work up the courage to be honest enough to write this post first. I'm trying, I'm trying really, really, really, hard to just be me. All of me. And it would seem that since I can no longer compartmentalize myself, this is what the future looks like...;)
So, here's to taking a giant breath, to not freaking out at being honest, to admitting that I'm a dang mess, who has been battling with some MAJOR anxiety, who wasn't being honest with herself about who she was, who questions everything, religion, who God is, people, reality, dreams, life, death, all of it. All the time. Who has ALWAYS done this, but who, until now, never had the courage to admit it. Yeah. Here's to all of that. Here's to no longer just painting pretty pictures, but to realizing that while some pictures painted about our lives are nice, the reality of who we are is always more helpful than when we edit stuff out.
And hey, thanks for being the one who pushes me, who makes me so stinkin' mad about being forced out of my comfort zone, but is always right there to listen even though you always feel like I'm being enigmatic...I don't do it on purpose. Promise.
And to everyone reading this...thanks:) Thanks for reading and...yeah...hopefully there will be more to come as I learn who this new writer self is. Here's to hoping that you'll have the courage to just be you too. Because, there's only one you. And the world doesn't need us to be carbon copies of someone else, but to be who we really were originally created to be.
Love and stuff,
Jade.
