Not escaping them though...that's completely different than actually getting them out. As if a wall went up, strong and solid, and no matter what I beat against it, or hurled at it, the stones stood strong and unmoving, damming up all the words that would have poured out if only a crack would have run up the stones. The crack never began though. For months I've started and stopped post after post, hurting too much to try and scale the wall. But, it never lasts for long. The last time the words stopped cold, all writing ceased for a year...and at the end, when the pain had ebbed and the stiffness was oiled enough to beat out some words, all that had been held in spilled out in a torrent. So, here I am again, different season, different reason for not writing, same pain, same hurt, but knowing always that life is moving forward, despite how things seem to never turn out the way I imagine they will. Always, always, always trusting, however, that despite the ache that fills that well deep in my soul, my God is greater still, and that He is indeed working all things for the good of those who love Him.
Sitting here once again, the dance across the keys feels empty, harder, foreign in a way, but the thought lingers that if this is done consistently, the dance will become easier and fluid once more. There are times I long for the ease and grace of a few years ago, when nothing weighed heavy upon the words that came out. I long for that time before the world tilted on its axis, before I knew what it was to truly deal with anger, bitterness, hate...but, I have learned how much sweeter everything is when you fight for it. When you fight your way past all the emotions that would harden your soul, turning to stone that which was once soft and moldable. I have seen the goodness of my Father to be faithful when the anger was all I felt, when confusion and doubt ruled the days slipping by. I have seen His hand in every moment I thought would end all I was, I have seen, without a single doubt, that He has allowed things to break me in order to build me back into someone stronger, someone healed, someone who bears scars that were never there before, scars that flare up and burn at times, but scars that allow me to relate to others like never before. And the scars are worth carrying, His grace is worth knowing, His forgiveness has proven to be all I need, all I long for, all I want in this life.
So, here are the words that were being held in the well of whatever place my soul holds deep. Here are the words pouring forth: I am absolutely one hundred and twenty percent broken and shattered, I carry pain that at times causes all else in me to stop. I hurt and ache for things I longed and desired for, but beyond ALL of this, I am a child of the Living God, who knows far more than I do. He is good. I have yelled and screamed and cried and begged for all I want, but His faithfulness has gently asked the question, would I truly ask Him to give me what I want, or would I desire what He has waiting for me beyond all I can see? Will I allow Him to take what I want and instead give me all I need? Will I trust that this is never easy and a lot of times it honestly just sucks, but still, what comes after the waiting and pain is beyond all I could ever dream? Yes. I trust this. I trust this over all I feel or see or hear in this life. I trust that He is more than everything behind or before or in front of me. He is greater still. And He is more than enough.
When I think about all of this, when I think about how much we are loved by the God of the universe, I'm truly blown away. And the thought has become cliche in a way, that "yeah, yeah, I know He loves me" sentence that flits through our heads when someone reminds us of this fact. Whoa! What are we doing?! YOU ARE LOVED BY THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE! He's IN LOVE with your heart for the simple reason that you are who you are. You are no one else, and He desires your heart as if you were the only person on this planet. This fact, this thought, I hope it slams into your heart and head today unlike ever before, that you will truly understand today how crazy He is about you. That beyond all your flaws and cracks and emotions, you are a child of the King, you are His heart, and this should shatter every other lie that is flowing in and out of your head and life in this moment. I can write about all that's going on in my life, about how I'm not perfect and life is hard, but when the words cease, may you walk away with the thought that I am like you and we are loved beyond the pain. It's that simple. You. Are. Loved.
Sitting here once again, the dance across the keys feels empty, harder, foreign in a way, but the thought lingers that if this is done consistently, the dance will become easier and fluid once more. There are times I long for the ease and grace of a few years ago, when nothing weighed heavy upon the words that came out. I long for that time before the world tilted on its axis, before I knew what it was to truly deal with anger, bitterness, hate...but, I have learned how much sweeter everything is when you fight for it. When you fight your way past all the emotions that would harden your soul, turning to stone that which was once soft and moldable. I have seen the goodness of my Father to be faithful when the anger was all I felt, when confusion and doubt ruled the days slipping by. I have seen His hand in every moment I thought would end all I was, I have seen, without a single doubt, that He has allowed things to break me in order to build me back into someone stronger, someone healed, someone who bears scars that were never there before, scars that flare up and burn at times, but scars that allow me to relate to others like never before. And the scars are worth carrying, His grace is worth knowing, His forgiveness has proven to be all I need, all I long for, all I want in this life.
So, here are the words that were being held in the well of whatever place my soul holds deep. Here are the words pouring forth: I am absolutely one hundred and twenty percent broken and shattered, I carry pain that at times causes all else in me to stop. I hurt and ache for things I longed and desired for, but beyond ALL of this, I am a child of the Living God, who knows far more than I do. He is good. I have yelled and screamed and cried and begged for all I want, but His faithfulness has gently asked the question, would I truly ask Him to give me what I want, or would I desire what He has waiting for me beyond all I can see? Will I allow Him to take what I want and instead give me all I need? Will I trust that this is never easy and a lot of times it honestly just sucks, but still, what comes after the waiting and pain is beyond all I could ever dream? Yes. I trust this. I trust this over all I feel or see or hear in this life. I trust that He is more than everything behind or before or in front of me. He is greater still. And He is more than enough.
When I think about all of this, when I think about how much we are loved by the God of the universe, I'm truly blown away. And the thought has become cliche in a way, that "yeah, yeah, I know He loves me" sentence that flits through our heads when someone reminds us of this fact. Whoa! What are we doing?! YOU ARE LOVED BY THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE! He's IN LOVE with your heart for the simple reason that you are who you are. You are no one else, and He desires your heart as if you were the only person on this planet. This fact, this thought, I hope it slams into your heart and head today unlike ever before, that you will truly understand today how crazy He is about you. That beyond all your flaws and cracks and emotions, you are a child of the King, you are His heart, and this should shatter every other lie that is flowing in and out of your head and life in this moment. I can write about all that's going on in my life, about how I'm not perfect and life is hard, but when the words cease, may you walk away with the thought that I am like you and we are loved beyond the pain. It's that simple. You. Are. Loved.
