Sometimes.

So many thoughts. So many things dancing and diving, swirling and spinning. Sometimes I want to borrow trouble, to let what could have been, what could be, the "what ifs" of life, to let myself drown in them. Sometimes I want to run far and deep and long and get lost. Without a name in some distant place. Sometimes life twists in a knife, knowing where the scars lay hidden, pressing down just so, right there, releasing pain that radiates and steals the breaths taken.

Sometimes I want all of this. To bow my head and drown in defeat.

Sometimes.

And then.

Then, I am reminded. Gently, like a whisper through my soul, I am reminded. I hear His voice. There it is, riding on the stars and wind. Striding into the broken places, shining Light through brokenness. I am met where I am, lifted up, bound tight in grace, and poured through with strength and confidence. Lifted head that was bowed is now met by His eyes unwavering...and this is enough.

There are times in my life when I wish I could walk away from this Calling. There are times when I wish I could pretend that my soul doesn't cry out every second of every day to the One who created me. There are times I want to  just...live. Yeah, I have those times. But, and it's a really big BUT, as Jim Elliot said, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Whew. I want to give all of this life that is so temporal, because...because...I have nothing to lose by giving this one life and I have everything to gain with eternity in sight. I want that. My spirit wants that, but everything in this world screams loud with voices lifted high, that I should give up. That this will never be enough.

The voices lie. I have tasted and seen that He is enough. I have witnessed the faithfulness of my God in the land of the living. I have seen Him prove over and over and over again in my own life, that no matter what comes, no matter the pain, there is still joy that runs deep beyond all of this. There is a gold cord that testifies to joy unending despite all this world can create.

I am one woman, and I am no one really. I am small and insignificant. Or so I've believed most of my life. However, I now know this too is a lie the enemy would use to keep me still and silent. Yes, I am only one woman, but the very breath of the Living God abides in these lungs inside my chest, the very blood of His son flows through my veins, and I am His daughter!

And you see, I have found my voice. So, while this world is plunging in the knife, pressing down on scars, letting pain flow, I would lift this voice high and proclaim: I have seen the goodness, the faithfulness, the joy, the great love, the astounding strength and power of the Lord in this place. I have caught a glimpse of the face of Jesus, and while I am waiting, longing, to see Him face to face, may this one life of this one woman be spent in whatever way He sees fit. Because He is enough. He is always enough.

No borrowing trouble, no giving up, no bowing in defeat, oh child of the Living God. You are His. Yes you, the one reading these words in this moment. I know you are no different than me. You carry scars, you have pain snaking through your life, you hear the voice in your soul telling you your God is not enough. None of that, oh Child of the Living God. You have His voice abiding in your soul, so lift it up to fulfill the Call that has been placed upon your life, whatever that may be. He is faithful. And you...you are so greatly loved by Him.

of days and stars and bleeding out.

Days slip silently by. Moving quickly, one after the other, propelling forward all that this thing called "future" tugs us towards. It's that thing that happens, when you feel like nothing is changing, and then, without being aware of it in the least, you look back and everything has changed.

That has happened a lot for me over the last seven months. This constant shifting and changing, it would seem it's the only consistent thing in this life. It's good. Really good. You know, the further I get, the deeper I go, the more I understand that to not change is death...this life is about the journey. This journey is ever changing. There is an end, but it's definitely not on this earth. The further I get, the deeper I go, there is one thing that keeps resonating through every fiber that I am made up of: You are a child of God. You are loved. Your identity is found in Him, and in Him perfect love is known. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.

When did it become a cliche? When did radical love become something we decided to push aside? When did our Savior become the cause of every bad thing in our lives, instead of the reason for all the good? I'm really guilty of this. I've blamed Him, I've screamed in His face that I'd done my best and none of it mattered...except, I screamed and believed lies fed from the deepest pit of hell. I held them close, let them fester, and spewed out of my heart things that could simply never be true.

Here's the thing: I don't have all the answers. I can't explain why certain things happen in the way they do. However, I am absolutely 100% certain, that my God, my Savior, He is good. And I actually don't even like the word "good" because using it to describe all that He is seems incredibly shallow. He's not just good, He's AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, STUNNING, BEAUTIFUL, FAITHFUL, all of these words of which none can accurately capture the fullness of all He is. I don't know...the older I get, the more time passes, the more I feel and taste and see what this life is made up of, the more I'm convinced He is worth it all. The more I yearn to go deeper still. The more I want to be in over my head, surrounded by all He is. Because, if I'm over my head, lost in Him, to sink or to swim, to flow with the rushing river, tugged out on the current of an ever changing sea, if it's all in Him, what does it matter if I sink or swim?

Truly, I'm at the point in my life that I'm full to overflowing with Him, but I'm not satisfied yet...I think that will take an eternity. An eternity to pursue and know and fall ever more in love with the One who has pursued me all my life.

So, here we go again. When words break forth from a dam cracked open. When what I was created to do comes forth, called out, because words flow through my veins thicker than blood. This is who He created me to be. One who willingly rips open her heart and bleeds across black keys, while drawing a bow across strings pulled from a crying soul. Writer or musician. Musician or writer. Both.

Writer first. Here to proclaim one thing alone: You are loved more than you can possibly begin to imagine.

Tonight, know this.

Tonight, this is for you. So read the words, let them seep in deep. He loves you. You are not alone. You are His. And you are loved.

My boxes are constantly broken open. My God constantly pushes me forward, teaching me that I can surly know that I know nothing. But, there is one thing I DO know, beyond all that I am, beyond the borders of all I feel or the boundaries of all I want...He is enough. I have wanted much in my life. I have yelled and screamed at the sky when I was not given what I wanted when I wanted it. Oh, I can now exhale a breath of thanksgiving to the One who knows me far better than I know myself. Who waits to fulfill the desires until I begin to see them move across my heart.

Take heart.

Even if you don't believe it.

He knows you. He loves you. This is enough. Yell and scream if you must, because He can take it. But, in the dark of the night, when the stars burn brightest, know that He has you exactly where you are meant to be. In the deep of the night, even the stars shine down love from the One who created them to sing brightly a song born from fiery depths.

This song...it is for you...