doubt and He who is constant.

There are times when the way is dark. Though you know the hand of God is always moving, pushing, growing every part of your life, you can't  see it. Prayers are prayed. Your heart aches, breaks, yearns, for all that you would question, all those answers unanswered....all of them. Things given, things taken, desires placed, desires held, disappearing, and reappearing with no warning as the currents of the sea. Like waves breaking across the shore, pain will come and go, emotions overtake and ebb back again, sometimes giving much and at other times taking more. Still, He is constant.

I have doubted much in my life.....I have known what it is to feel far away, carried down by the current I doubted more than all else. I have yelled and screamed and begged and pleaded, with tears streaming down my face. Yet, He was constant. Every tear was caught, examined, and held close, stored away in the treasury where all unseen tears are kept. And though there was much to doubt, many voices speaking out, much spoken, still He held me constantly in an embrace that at times I did not want. For to know the constant love of the One who was and is and will forever be, there must be times when, though all that would logically say to doubt and give up screams at us, we must find that place beyond the doubt, beyond everything we've ever known, beyond the end of ourselves, where nothing else matters but this: He is constant. Always and forever. In light of all this, in light of who He is, the doubt, like shadows that scatter before the sun, seem to melt away. For I have found that to doubt is not wrong, no, it's what I do with that doubt, it's where I take it, what place I give it in my life.

"Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them." 

-Elisabeth Elliot 

And so I go to the One who casts out doubt, who holds questions placed before Him, perhaps not answering them, but whispering back that He hears, He knows, and He will reveal all when the hands of the clock He commands are in the perfect position. When all that can be worked in me, when my heart can be molded the most, this is what He waits for. It can be the hardest of places, knowing that there is movement, yet not seeing the evidence. Then, without warning, the place has changed, everything is different, and the gifting He has given bursts forth into full bloom! For if He gives a gift, He is faithful to equip us for the calling. Never does He leave us with less than we need, but oh, how I pray to always be in the place of being dependent on Him no matter my circumstances. To remember that He is the giver and equipper of ALL things in this life of mine.

So, I write this with my heart overflowing! With joy bursting forth as my fingers fly across the keys of a  specifically answered prayer! The rhythm is back, the dance has begun, and may the tap of these keys be used to glorify Him in every way, no matter what the words speak of, no matter how the thoughts are expressed. For He gave and He took away for a season in order to cultivate within my own heart the passion He placed there. Now, in this new season, I can see with perfect clarity how much I needed the gift taken away in order to treasure it that much more. To understand in the smallest of ways who I am in Him and what He created me for. You see, I am a writer. Above all else in this life, this is who I am. Every thought, every word, every action I'm a part of are formed into words in my head that are caught and molded into something far beyond what I can do on my own. Never is it done on my own. And the desire of my heart is that you would see the heart of the writer for the One who has stolen it away. It has been a long time since it has been my own, but in the past year it has become His in an even greater measure. For I have learned that above all else, above all that I've ever wanted, or thought I wanted, I would have Him. Dash my dreams and scatter them into the four winds that blow across the earth, but always and forever give me the One who created my heart. The One who has changed my life. The One who took everything in order to give it back in far greater measure than I ever thought possible. Give me Him. Give me Him because He has been and always will be the One constant in my life. Give me Him because nothing else in this world matters, because He loved me enough to die for me.

Take Him....because, He loved you so much, He chose to die instead of living a life without you. This is your God. He is living and active in your life far more than you know, despite everything you believe or don't believe. 

Abba, Father, Yeshua, Jehovah, God All Mighty, I Am that I AM, Prince of Peace, your Creator, your Sustainer, your Beloved, your Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End, your King of Kings, your Lord of Lords, your Everlasting Father, Elohim, Yah, El-Shaddai (Lord God Almighty), Adonai, YHWH, Ancient of Days, Jesus, the Light of the World, El Elyon (The Most High God), Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner), Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepard), Jehovah Rapha (The Lord that Heals), Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There), Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness), Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You), El Olam (The Everlasting God), Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide), Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace), Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord Of Hosts).

All of this and so much more is this God who loves you. Look up and behold your Maker. Gaze into His eyes and see for the first time, or be reminded again, of who you are in Him and what He has created you for, oh child of the Living God.

© Jade Valcarcel 2012. All rights reserved