at the beginning again.

I sat in a coffee shop much like now and penned words. I remember how content I was and how beautiful the evening came. I was voicing questions that swirled about, artistically painting a picture as cars drove by outside. As a stop light shifted from green to yellow, to red. I wrote, unaware of what the words would do. Of how they would change everything.

That moment, when everything was stripped away. I remember it as clear, as real as if I were sitting there now. I can remember the color of the walls, the leaves on the plant in the corner, the way the chair felt under me, the way everything inside of me shut down. I can feel the way adrenaline pumped through my entire body within seconds. I can feel riding that wave for moments, days, weeks, months…a year. Words came that I didn't understand, some I still can't comprehend and in the blink of an eye, the glass shattered and life would never be the same. I remember wondering why. Why had this happened? Was it me? Was is everything inside of me? Was it everything outside of me? Was it anything I could have slowed down, stopped, changed? Pain blinded every breath I drew in. I can feel the bed under me, not moving, not sleeping, just being still, for hours. No thoughts. Just my body breathing in and out without my help.

Then the physical act of leaving. Running. Wanting it all to stop. Wishing it had never happened. Wanting to put distance between myself and the life I had lived. The life that ended so abruptly. Leaving. It would have been easier if I had loved less. Cared less. But, it would seem that it is physically impossible for me to love people in pieces. Taking all that they are requires you love them with all you have. So, if they change, if you change, the hurt is blinding. If it ends, the pain is beyond description.

Then, the gaping wound that was created had to be healed. Which was by far the hardest part. His voice came over and over and over, "I will remove all that distracts you from Me. I will strip you until I am all you see. For I love you more than life. I love you beyond all the pain you feel in this moment. I love you so much, I will allow you to be broken and shattered that I might build you back again. I will allow this, all of this, that you will be equipped for all that is ahead."

And my voice screamed back until it was raw, "WHAT WILL YOU EQUIP ME FOR?! YOU STRIPPED EVERYTHING AWAY!!! WHAT FUTURE?! WHAT CALLING?! THERE. IS. NOTHING. LEFT."

There, in that moment, the darkness was deep. It is a darkness that life will bring no matter whom you might be. Because, life is life. No matter who you are. And if you say you do not know it, you are lying to yourself. Or you're very, very young and have simply not lived long enough to experience it yet. I can assure you, however, it will come. For me, it was thick and heavy, like a black fog that permeated every waking moment…and all I could repeat was the name of the One who I could no longer see, but who I could feel in that deep night. The months moved slow and heavy, yet the fog remained. I lived there, not wanting to move. Not wanting to breathe. Not wanting to do anything but simply survive. And that's exactly what I did for months. I waited and remained silent, shut down, shut off, and simply survived and whispered with my raw voice, the only thing that my not-functioning mind could somehow form….Jesus.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Over and over and over. The night was deep, but with each whisper of this name, with each breath that exhaled this one word, the darkness began to shift. Move. Jesus. The fog began to disperse. Jesus. Light. Jesus. Like a crack in a wall, light, golden and warm, began to stream through. The doubts, the lies, before the light they fled.

The whisper of His name on my tongue became my substance to stand. To lift my head and look up. To reach out. There. With that one gesture, His hand was waiting. There, in that moment, His hand, solid and strong grabbed ahold of mine and with one swift move, pulled me to my feet. I was standing. I was held. I was held in the arms of the One whose name was all I could whisper. I was….feeling….something. My heart that was blind to all but the pain, it felt….warm. It felt…light. It knew, there in that moment, that the deep in which it had been residing was lifting. That the pieces in which it was shattered were being fitted back together. That all it thought it could not survive, it was indeed surviving.

It took two years. From start to finish. It took moving forward and slipping back again. It took forgiving when I felt anything but that. It took warring with anger, bitterness, hate, until Jesus was so completely all I could see, that they fled. It took fighting with every ounce of strength I did not possess, but which He gave, to realize that because I had truly heard His voice, because He had called and I had answered, because I was His child, valued, loved, treasured, I must move forward and not give up. It took knowing beyond all I felt that as sure as the sun would rise, He was faithful.

And He is.

Sitting in this coffee shop today, I pen words that, had you told me I'd be writing two years ago, I would never have believed. Sitting here today, there is so much that I have a first-hand knowledge and understanding of now that I never had before. There are things, hard, dark, deep things that I can now speak against because I have dealt with them. There are situations that I can now speak into because I have been there and stand on the other side of. There is much. There is more than I could have ever dreamed. There is an absolute certainty that if I could go back, if I could do it all over again, I would change absolutely nothing about what happened.

There is a knowledge now about my God that I never had before. I can say with every single fiber that makes up my being, that He loves you beyond all the hard stuff. Man, there is so much hard stuff. There are things that knock us completely out of the blue, there are things that we see coming but cannot stop, BUT above and beyond all the hard stuff, Jesus is greater still. And He is crazy about you. He loves you SO MUCH! Sitting here in this moment, I need you to understand this. You are His treasured, beautiful child. You are worth more than you can begin to imagine to this man who died for you. He looks at you and all He sees is how worth His life you were and are. He hung there so long ago and gazed down the ages and what He saw, what kept Him on that tree, was your face. Because He loves you. 

I have a passion for this now like never before. What I went through, the details of what happened to me, I can never stress enough how unimportant they are. What matters, is how the pain and hurt and all that came with this, changed me. It taught me what a product of grace I am. That nothing else matters in this life but loving God's children. To love them so much that you can show His love beyond all else. This doesn't mean that you accept every sin and never speak against it. It means you love the way Jesus did because it is this that changes people. It is His love that decimates sin.

I am thankful beyond all words, that He stripped me of all I thought I wanted for the rest of my life.

Now, sitting here in this moment, I am face to face with everything being given back. Given back in far greater measure than anything that was ever taken away. I am staring into the eyes of Jesus in a way I never have before as He hands back to me, with the greatest smile on His face, the call. The call that He placed there. Here in this moment, with perfect clarity, I can look back on all that happened and like backing away from a puzzle being fit together, I can see the picture as a whole. Like a circle being completed, I am back at the beginning of it all…but, wow, it's so much more than before. Oh, there are many things to come in the future that I can't see, but for the first time since that glass shattered, I can see the reason for why it all happened. And can I just say WOW! Never saw any of that coming…but, just, wow. Standing here in this moment, I am grateful and more than anything, certain that every single thing that happens in this life is for a purpose. To equip us for the call which is to be first of all, intimate with our Savior, and then to watch as that intimacy flows into the work He has placed before us.

I have a friend who always says, "We're on a business trip while on this earth, to get to know Him through walking by faith." Man, that has never been more true in my life than it is right now. I have so much in front of me that requires me to walk by faith, but because of what I have walked through, because of every single moment that Jesus, in all His love and grace allowed to happen, I can walk assured that beyond any pain that may come, He is faithful! HE IS FAITHFUL! I can walk knowing that this journey is beautiful and terrible and wonderful and sweetly wild! It is an adventure with my King and what an adventure it is! As another friend has said many, many times, "It is an endless frontier!" So, with the destination set before my eyes, with Jesus being the goal, with one day standing physically before Him being all I want, I would dance out this journey set before me, holding His hand all the way home.

This is the point. You are on this journey as well. And He is waiting for you to reach out so that, with one swift move, He can pull you to your feet that you may walk equipped for the call that is on your life.

You. Are. Loved. Beyond all else. You are loved. He loves you.