we're fine.

I'm fairly talented at being able to box certain things up. Putting them on a shelf, tucked far back and out of the way. There are times when I might glance over at the shelf and the box and reach out a swift hand to push the box further back on the shelf, where less is showing, where reminders can't be given. I try to keep this to a minimum. Because even one glance, even one look, and everything I have so neatly boxed away might come spilling out.

I simply have no time for this.

I don't have time to unbox and lament over every moment that hurts. I don't have time to regret and feel like I wasted these beats of my heart. I don't have time. So, I keep them boxed away. Neat. Unseen. Because that is what we do, right?

"How are you?"
"I'm fine," I smile.

Boxed away, the beats tug and tighten. I'm fine. Fine.

The day is warm. Whispers in its air breathe the distant promise of autumn. Light streams through thick leaves, filtered and bearing green warmth down through reaching branches. It dances across the forest floor, heating the ghosts of leaves past, coaxing them to release their woody smell of days gone by. Face turned up, I breathe in. Breathe out. Thoughts float about, lingering and fleeting. If there had been a different choice, if there had been some way to see and know and act differently, would I? Would we?

"How are you?"
"I'm fine," you smile.

Boxed away, the beats tug and tighten. You're fine. Fine.

The horizon stretches out, endless and wide. Sloping down, a slate grey sky gently reaches out, deeply kissing the horizon's upturned mouth. Salt and sand and the cries of gulls fill the air. A song sung from ages past, it fills up and spills over the thoughts swirling about. Waves crash and pull back, beating the box inside. Bare feet sink down in soft sand, deep and comforting. Stillness. Would I change it? If the pieces had been placed out before my feet, seen and understood, looking down years and months and days to come, would I choose different? Would you?

"How are you?"
"I'm fine," we smile.

Boxed away, the beats tighten, tighten, tighten. Demanding to be taken out. To be felt. To be examined with the magnifying glass of experience. To be dealt with. We're fine. Fine.

Here we are. We stand in the forest or on the shore. Thinking, wondering, longing, aching. Would we change it? Would we do it any different? But…

…if we did, what else would we change? Like the ripples on the surface of a glass pool, they carry out and change every, single, moment. If we could, would we change the outcome? If we did, the outcome, our lives, every moment would be completely different.

Would we risk it?

Would it be worth it?

The box is frightening and deep, resembling a black cavern that may swallow us into its belly. Wait. Step into it and shine the light of experience. Let's shine the light that pierces the doubts and say to it, we know better. We cannot be swallowed or overtaken or stopped. We stand on the other side of what's inside of that box. All that's left now is to open it and deal with what we've placed there.

At the end of the day, where we are, this is exactly where we should be.

No regrets. No longings to change. Just now. Here. Let's live this. Let's deal with this. Let's move forward.

reminded and found.

I found it on this hot, humid, almost unbearable August afternoon. I found it in the ordinary moments that drummed by, beating, beating, beating. Slipping past with micro pearls of water hanging thick in the air. I found it deep in the coffee steaming, in the laughter of those around me, in the clang and clatter of dishes being picked up and used. I found it in the whirring of fans, circulating air that hung hot and heavy, reminding me how this heat would condition me to itself if I stay in the South very long. I found it in the little local book shop, where a sign hung, hand written and unpretentious:

I found it here. I wanted to run, but there it was, reaching long arms out and around me. It came with the text that reminded me of another sent by the same sender months before. That text that had come when I needed it most, when the words seemed to jump off the screen and hold me close, reminding me that though it didn't feel like it in that moment, everything was going to be ok. I thought about that text, saved in my phone, somewhere amongst quotes and lists of things to do:

"Jade. He may be the best guy to ever draw breath. It doesn't mean, however, that God meant him to be with you. Other people cannot see what's going on in your heart and mind. Only you can and if it feels wrong, then don't force it."

I found it in a thin gold band, tucked away in a beautiful local art store. A delicate gold band that now resides on the middle finger of my left hand, just above the middle knuckle. One that I'd been keeping an eye out for months. The woman behind the counter smiles at me, gently saying:

"Oh…I made that. I just love those!"

"Yes, they're lovely," I murmured back.

"What's your name?"

"Jade…"

"Well, that's a beautiful name. I won't forget that soon! Where are you from? Not here…"

"No…South Carolina, but Colorado just recently."

"Well, welcome to our town!" Smiling, she seems to search my face.

"Thank you. It's wonderful here."

"Yes, we think so," and then, "My dear, I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for." 

"Ah, thank you. You nailed it." I think to myself. I place the ring on the glass counter, paying and turning to wave as I walked out of the old door that's chipping white paint. 

It came knocking again, standing in line for coffee. I took the steaming mug from the smiling barista behind the counter, handing her my plastic light blue card, when suddenly the voice behind me said in a slow southern accent: 

"I'm ordering something too, and I'm going to get that for you. Someone did that for me last time I was in here, and it'd be my pleasure to pay it forward to you."

"Oh….. [trying to hold back the tears]….thank you." 

"Now," he said, "Could you recommend something to me that's iced?"

I smiled, pointing to something written in bright colors on hanging chalk boards above our heads.

I found it hidden through the doors of a little cabin, tucked away beside the lapping waters of a large lake. Where wooden stairs lead to a quaint little dock and private beach. I found it. I saw. I am seeing. 

Beauty. Purpose. Moments. These are what matter. 

Music drifts into my ears. Slowly. My mind wanders. I think about the people that unknowingly helped me to see today or who reminded me to think back, of moments when they touched me. Not in a way that is shallow or easily forgotten, but in ways that truly struck down deep in my soul something that resonates. And that resonating sound reminded me that people are beautiful…just as beautiful as sunsets across the water, if you allow them to be. 

These moments, small and forgettable, I collected them and I found it. For it is not about the place, but the people. Those that help you remember and find...

…Home.

doubt and streams in the desert.

Just write. 

Sometimes the words dam up inside. They push and pull, wanting to break free…but, like chains, something holds on tight. Strong. Not letting go. 

Just write. 

Lately, I've worried a lot about what I'm doing. Like waves crashing down and scooping me up again, I've thought and pondered and contemplated what's next. Because, obviously, my God cannot handle my problems. So, I look up at the sky and let Him know not to worry cause, I've got this one. I'll handle it. The feelings push in that I've been left out to dry…I'm tired of this up hill, dang hard, I can't seem to get my footing, super long hike I feel like I'm on. And have been on for my entire life. 

Just write.

Clearly, everyone else my age has their life together. No one else is questioning what they're doing, they have a plan and that plan is working out exactly the way they wanted it to. Yep, this is just me. I'm the only one caught up in the current of uncertainty, of wondering, of freaking out, of thinking about what's next and longing to simply know. :drama:

"For I am the Lord your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" ~Isaiah 41:13

The words whisper, swirling all around my heart.

Doubt. 

Just write. 

Fine. But it doesn't make me feel any better. :stamps foot: I feel unseen. Did you lose me in all the masses, Father? Did you forget that I'm over here? :waves hand wildly in air: Jesus, we had a plan. Did you forget about that? Don't you remember what it was??? Security! Certainty! A future! You've left me out to dry. 

"Say to those with [an] anxious heart, 'Take courage, fear not. Behold, your God will come with vengeance; The recompense of God will come, but He will save you.'" -Isaiah 35:4

Hey! Are you listening to me?! What am I suppose to do? 

Just write. 

I AM WRITING. :shouts:

No, write this. Say this to those with an anxious heart. 

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY HEART?! Did you forget about MY heart?! I CAN'T write when MY heart is anxious! :wails:

Ah, am I not enough? Am I not greater than your heart? I AM that I AM. You will never be certain until you speak truth. I AM that I AM. You are who I have said you are. Be. Still. 

Tears. I am small and I am doubtful. I talk big, but when the fire comes, I scream at the heat. I ride the waves that my emotions send. Yet…..

…..yet. He is greater still. This I know. I don't have to feel it, for I know. 

"…for waters will break forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert." ~Isaiah 35:6

Then break them forth in the wilderness of my heart, Jesus. Let the message stream forth that courage is near and there is nothing to fear. Behold, your God will come. He will save you. 

This is what I am to do. Write. Worship. Let my life forever be a worship song unto the One whom my soul loves. Let my words send forth a sweet aroma of Jesus. Because He is worthy. He loves you. You are seen by the One who created the stars to shine forth. You are loved by He who looked down through the ages to gaze upon your face and said, it is good. Man, I can't think of anything I'd want more than for you to sit on the other side of this screen and understand that, though there are times I feel unseen, though there are times you may too, we. are. seen. He loves us. We are His. 

"You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its remotest parts and said to you, 'You are My servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'" ~Isaiah 41:9,10

heartstrings and all.

It's having a moment creep up on you unexpectedly. Like a string snapping, bouncing back and just like that, the heartstring is cut. Or at least one of them. Your chest aches a little less, your breath fills your lungs a bit easier, and for a moment, you feel weightless. Just like that. They are few and far between, these moments. Maybe you're one of the lucky ones who has no heartstrings tied anywhere…and in a way I suppose that's a good thing. No worries about them being tugged on, pulled tight, the tension aching and the pain more than you could have imagined possible at times.

I have two ways of looking at the whole business of heartstrings:
1.) You have loved someone.
2.) You have loved someone.

Simple;) Except, not really. Sometimes, there are heartstrings attached from disobedience to what the Lord has asked. Heartstrings attached to those that could have been avoided. But, then there are heartstrings in place to teach us how to love the way our Father loves, hoping for all things and expecting nothing in return. Because honestly, loving someone does not give you the right to their heart. It does not give you a right to their life. Loving someone, having your heart attached to them, this is tough, but it's ultimately wanting the very best for them, above all you may "feel" in the moment. Period.

So, no matter what kind of heartstrings we have, the bottom line is that they prove we have loved. Yeah, maybe they hurt or maybe they're being fulfilled (so happy for you if they are!) but, either way, they prove that we have, indeed, loved.

And you know what? I think that's pretty incredible actually! We have had the privilege to love someone, no matter what the outcome has been or is going to be. It's such an honor to simply love. Isn't that what we're called to anyway? To love? Love without the complicated mess we attach to the word, love beyond all we feel, love in action…yes, it's an honor. To see people for who they really are, to not just talk to them but, to see them. Looking deep and seeing their souls, that this person is a child of the living God, and knowing beyond everything we feel, we are called to love! You and I, we are called to this.

You know what else? If we can get to the point where we live with no strings attached, simply because Jesus demonstrated this and called us to do the same, it is the single most freeing thing we'll experience after the Cross. Seriously. To love in a way that flows directly from His heart, like a fountain of living water that drenches everyone around us, this is like water in a desert unto our souls, or it can be if we allow it.

Today is…indescribable. There are some seriously huge inner struggles that I've dealt with for the past two years and today, today, one of those heartstrings that was pulled tight was released. Whew. You don't realize how good it feels to have it release! Do you know what I felt first? This amazing love for Jesus. This echoes over and over and over through the corridors and rooms in my heart, "You are all I say you are!"

I am all He says I am. I am ALL He SAYS I AM! 

You and I, this is what we are! We are all He says we are! His children, redeemed, loved, adored, royal! Let's love straight from His heart, no matter the hurt, no matter the scars, no matter the heartstrings pulling tight, and let's be all He says we are! Let's live today aware of this beautiful God who gave it all that we might be all. All.

All.

this day.

There are many things I'm trying to figure out in this thing called life. There is much I don't know. One thing, however, that I've been thinking about a lot is, how truly interesting and complicated and beautiful and terrifying and wonderful, people can be. I love watching, observing, looking deep within and catching the light glint off that broken window pane down in someone's soul.

Fact: We all have broken windows within us. 

I don't want to just talk to those around me. I don't want to simply swim in the shallow pools that we so often are content to swim in with others. I want to dive down, to listen and know, to be still and have another's soul slowly be revealed. We are fragile creatures. We build up walls around our true selves, determined to not let anyone see who we really are.

Fact: What an incredible waste of time this is. 

Instead of expending all our efforts on building up walls, what if we tore them down. What if instead of walls, we erected a beautiful fence, covered in vines and blooming roses, with a gate that swings easily open when the right person walks through. Boundaries. Boundaries are different than stone walls erected high. Boundaries don't allow just anyone to walk through, but if the right person has the key, they allow the gate to be opened to the garden where our souls thrive. There will probably be many broken things within, because no matter how hard we try to do it all "right" life in general carries and hands out situations that are simply broken. We cannot expect to get through this life without brokenness. Yet, even in this, even in the shattered glass, there is beauty.

Fact: We are not made to be infallible. 

We are allowed to get it wrong. We are allowed to not always have the formula that gives the perfect answer. There are no perfect answers in this life. That's just not how it works. However, the beauty remains that, through the imperfect, the flaws, the shattered and beat down, there is beauty that would not be there otherwise. If we were perfect, always right, never stumbling, the robots we would become could never compete with the imperfect, living and breathing creatures that we are. We are not perfect, we are often wrong, but our broken need of our Savior is truly beautiful beyond compare.

Fact: We get one life. One life to live fully. 

So, what are we doing? We have one chance at this thing called life. Today is the only day that the clouds will hang in this day's sky. This day will not come round again. This day's sun will not shine again. This day is the only one of its kind ever in the history of the world and throughout eternity. Breathe in. Breathe out. Smile because you will not have a chance to smile on this day ever again. If today calls for tears, then cry them well, for they will not fall from your eyes on this day at any other time in your life. Kiss someone deeply, hug someone like never before. See those around you for who they truly are. Do not be fooled by walls and false facades. Live. Because you will not have the chance to live this day ever again.

Open your eyes and see.  

Open your eyes and see. 

let me show you.

not my pictures and not claiming them, but they sure are pretty;)

It's beautiful, you know. It's waking early, after staying up too late, your bed unwilling to relinquish your body, sucking you deeper into its warm depths. But no, you push away the down comforter, being hit by what seems to be air straight from the arctic. Quickly then, you jump up, hurriedly walking towards the kitchen, trying to navigate stairs that are still a bit off kilter from the haze that still envelops you. Through the fog that is thick inside your brain you look for coffee, wondering why you didn't just get the dang machine ready the night before like you always say you will and never actually do. One day, you will get the coffee ready the night before, so you can be that well organized person who greets the morning with the simple push of a button. Heh, yeah right. The fact that you remembered to set your alarm is cause for some serious celebration. And you will celebrate! With coffee! If you can ever find it. 

Finally, those dark grinds make a contrast against their white bed and that beautiful morning drip has begun. Glancing out the window, the morning light is pushing down through leafy green filters, softening it ever so slightly, and allowing its golden fingers to gently caress the silver dew that blankets the ground. Mist hangs here and there, scattered through pastures surrounded by white picket fences. Like a gentle breath breathed into newly formed lungs, the day takes shape around all of this, made up of salmon colored, golden air, kissed by the mist that is dissipating all around and in it. The light grows ever brighter, awakening a day that has never been, reflecting off of dew soaked, silver window panes. Gently, quietly, a beautiful ballerina gracefully entering the stage, the morning comes, sung into being by sleepy birds and the drip of dark liquid from a gurgling machine. 

That ache deep within begins. Knowing you've caught something unaware. Something hesitatingly beautiful. Moments forged deep and long ago to simply be this…just ordinary and simple. Still, they were thought of and gifted to this warm, dew soaked, golden morning. The risk taken was that they would never be noticed, that they would pass into oblivion lived and breathed, but never seen. Ah, but they were seen. They were seen and caught up in the imagination of a writer who noticed. They were formed into words upon a page and immortalized for others who were gifted this kind of morning, yet didn't see. 

It's beautiful, you know. To catch these simple moments unaware. They go about unassuming, believing they will never be found…stunningly beautiful in how ordinary they are. Ah, but beautiful things do not have to herald and cry forth that they are beautiful. They do not demand attention. They just simply are. 

This is my gift to you. I can notice and catch up the life that has been gifted to me. I can pull you into my morning, my moments, my beautiful ordinary life. I do not want to simply tell you what I've been given, I want to show you. Did you see it? 

It is still morning…open your eyes and see what you have been given by the One who created this morning for you before the world ever spun upon its axis. Look. See. Breath deep of this one wild and sweet life you've been given. Capture this morning and never look back.