doubt and streams in the desert.

Just write. 

Sometimes the words dam up inside. They push and pull, wanting to break free…but, like chains, something holds on tight. Strong. Not letting go. 

Just write. 

Lately, I've worried a lot about what I'm doing. Like waves crashing down and scooping me up again, I've thought and pondered and contemplated what's next. Because, obviously, my God cannot handle my problems. So, I look up at the sky and let Him know not to worry cause, I've got this one. I'll handle it. The feelings push in that I've been left out to dry…I'm tired of this up hill, dang hard, I can't seem to get my footing, super long hike I feel like I'm on. And have been on for my entire life. 

Just write.

Clearly, everyone else my age has their life together. No one else is questioning what they're doing, they have a plan and that plan is working out exactly the way they wanted it to. Yep, this is just me. I'm the only one caught up in the current of uncertainty, of wondering, of freaking out, of thinking about what's next and longing to simply know. :drama:

"For I am the Lord your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" ~Isaiah 41:13

The words whisper, swirling all around my heart.

Doubt. 

Just write. 

Fine. But it doesn't make me feel any better. :stamps foot: I feel unseen. Did you lose me in all the masses, Father? Did you forget that I'm over here? :waves hand wildly in air: Jesus, we had a plan. Did you forget about that? Don't you remember what it was??? Security! Certainty! A future! You've left me out to dry. 

"Say to those with [an] anxious heart, 'Take courage, fear not. Behold, your God will come with vengeance; The recompense of God will come, but He will save you.'" -Isaiah 35:4

Hey! Are you listening to me?! What am I suppose to do? 

Just write. 

I AM WRITING. :shouts:

No, write this. Say this to those with an anxious heart. 

BUT WHAT ABOUT MY HEART?! Did you forget about MY heart?! I CAN'T write when MY heart is anxious! :wails:

Ah, am I not enough? Am I not greater than your heart? I AM that I AM. You will never be certain until you speak truth. I AM that I AM. You are who I have said you are. Be. Still. 

Tears. I am small and I am doubtful. I talk big, but when the fire comes, I scream at the heat. I ride the waves that my emotions send. Yet…..

…..yet. He is greater still. This I know. I don't have to feel it, for I know. 

"…for waters will break forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert." ~Isaiah 35:6

Then break them forth in the wilderness of my heart, Jesus. Let the message stream forth that courage is near and there is nothing to fear. Behold, your God will come. He will save you. 

This is what I am to do. Write. Worship. Let my life forever be a worship song unto the One whom my soul loves. Let my words send forth a sweet aroma of Jesus. Because He is worthy. He loves you. You are seen by the One who created the stars to shine forth. You are loved by He who looked down through the ages to gaze upon your face and said, it is good. Man, I can't think of anything I'd want more than for you to sit on the other side of this screen and understand that, though there are times I feel unseen, though there are times you may too, we. are. seen. He loves us. We are His. 

"You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its remotest parts and said to you, 'You are My servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'" ~Isaiah 41:9,10