His faithfulness unto the stars.

(written to this.)

The evening light softens the stark lines of day, turning all it bathes into soft hued pinks, creamy lavenders, and rich, deep blues. The canvass stretched above me grows ever deeper still and one by one, through this ever darkening orb, out come the silver, laughing stars above. Each evening this happens with perfect faithfulness, each evening the sky grows dark, and each evening the stars know they will shine. They never doubt it. For their light is held by the One who created them, and so with perfect confidence and peace, they know that with every new night that comes to wrap itself dreamily around the earth, they will shine in His most perfect time and will and way. I don't suppose they gaze back at the centuries behind them with regret, or ahead to the years stretching before them with worry or anxiety for the way they may shine. I highly doubt that they question with frustration, what will happen if tomorrow He is not faithful. I cannot imagine them doubting the One who holds their light in His hands, wondering what might happen if  tonight is the night He does not come through and they are left on their own...or if for some reason their light goes out because, they are but tiny stars, and He might forget to alight them this evening. No, such thoughts do not come close to the sphere of what these twinkling stars dwell on, they simply shine, watching as the comets streak by in all their blazing beauty, gazing down upon the human drama playing out before them.

Come to think of it, I have never wondered if the stars will shine tonight or on any other night. I've never thought to doubt if they will, for I am simply confident that this will be the outcome. I am confident that the God who holds them in His hands will give their light to them each night, allowing them to rain it down upon my upturned face. 

Yet, I have thought to doubt the course of my life. 

I do not doubt He will let the stars shine, but I have wondered if He can handle working all for my good. I am His child....and how much more does He love you and I over every star above?

And my heart aches for time wasted looking back or ahead, looking anywhere instead of gazing into the moment in which I live. Still, He is right here, pursuing my heart....pursuing your heart....and longing that we would pursue Him as well. Longing that we would understand how much more faithful He is to His children than even unto the stars.

For you are His child, His child, and the Father's heart beats for yours, for your very life, and the love He has for you is far greater than you'll ever be able to fathom. And I say it often because it is the air I breathe...you are His child, gaze into His eyes...He is the beat of my heart and I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Yes, because I have gazed into the eyes of the One who is my beloved, who rescued me from the darkness that would have claimed all I am, because I now know more than ever before that, beyond all loss and pain, all torment and hopelessness, all lies the enemy would whisper in the dark of the night, He is greater still, and so with every fiber of my being I would say, you are loved by a God who values who you are more than the stars or sea or sky, because you are His child. 

It's amazing how faithful He is to bring me closer to His heart through that which I've lost, through that which He's taken. Looking back, there are certain situations in which I can now so clearly see why He allowed the pain to come...still others I'm waiting to understand. Yet, I know that the pain has pushed me deeper into Him, that I can now understand His love at depths I never have before, and so it has all been worth it. I would change nothing about this beautiful, hard, wonderful life He has given me. Jesus has pursued my heart and captured it in full. He is utterly irresistible to this heart of His.

Still, there are times in which I have doubted His faithfulness....there are times even now when the battle within rages with such intensity that all I can do is fall at His feet and cry out for Him to fight it for me. And He does. Always. And when He has conquered the fear or doubt that has somehow crept in, He gently lifts my face to His and there I am, once again, lost in His beautiful gaze.

Ah,  and this is His heart for you, oh child of the Living God. To not live in the past or the present or anywhere else but right here. To fall at His feet when the war is too great, the pain too much, and allow Him to rescue you from all that would envelope you in darkness. To know that He loves you with an everlasting love, and that today, all you are called to is to gaze into His eyes, to seek Him with all your heart, and watch as He works all for your good. 

Look unto the stars and know, He who so lovingly alights them each evening will alight your life as well, in ways unimaginable. Think of their perfect trust in the One who holds them in His hands and remember, He holds you even closer unto His heart. 

"The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived-not always looked forward to as though the "real" living were around the next corner. It is today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow."  

-Elisabeth Elliot, Let Me Be A Woman

© Jade Valcarcel 2013. All rights reserved 

what a heart yearns for.

(written to this.)

The house is still in the dark of the night. A warm fire glows from the depths of the wood stove, its fan gently humming out the warmth within. An overstuffed and wide couch envelops me as I sit here, tucked away in this beautiful mountain home, in the middle of a little valley, hidden away somewhere near Estes Park. To me, in this moment, this feels like the most safe place in the entire world. For here, with this family that I so dearly love, I have always felt at home, loved, pushed ever deeper into my Savior, and life simply makes sense when I'm with them. Not that I have any more answers than I do outside of here, because I don't, but I am certain that my God truly has every step planned, every moment scripted in a deeper way when I'm here simply, because I am pushed closer to Him by their lives. And being pushed ever deeper into Him is the key to a life that makes sense. No, it does not make sense to most of the world, but then, I'm not worried what the world thinks or has to say about this life He has given me. I am highly concerned that I truly know Him, however, for His opinion is the only one that my soul seeks approval from.

Stars peek out from the black canvass above me and somewhere, out in the dark beyond the glass that separates us, the moon has risen to faithfully witness once again the stage on which we preform our lives. Thoughts swirl and dance about, above and around me, edging closer and darting back again. So many things to think of, so many ideas to capture, yet always being given the words by the One who owns my heart.

I think of you reading this. I wonder where you are and what you might be doing in this moment...what lead you to stop and read this little post of mine in the deep of the night. Sitting here, snug and cozy in the glow of the fire, I've been reading Elisabeth Elliot's "Let Me Be A Woman" and though I've read much of her writing, it's been a while since I've picked up one of her books. Once again I'm hit by her simple, beautiful, straight forward (very straight forward at times) writing. Thoughts have come and gone the past few days, of being single, of being a woman of twenty-seven (gulp) and not looking at this fact as something terrible, but as a beautiful gift from Him....for that's exactly what it is. I suppose then, this particular post is more to you if you are single, for my heart beats for those who are and find it dreadful and wish above all else that Prince Charming would simply hurry up and get here already (or that they would stumble upon Snow White, depending on what gender you happen to be). Man, let me just lay it all out there right now and say that waiting is hard. One of the hardest things you'll ever do...yet, because I know how that feels, and because I know exactly how terrible focusing on the waiting alone can be, I can also say that Jesus has so much in store for your life. 

I say it often...probably in every post I write...but, it is what I cling to with every fiber of my being each and every day I draw breath: simply gaze into His eyes. If you are single, think about viewing it not as a time of torture where you're waiting for life to begin. NO! Your life has already begun. You are not waiting for life to start when you meet the perfect person (which, by the way, they won't be perfect, but they will be perfect for you...just saying;-) but, instead live your life to the utmost, view it as a gift from Him, a precious gift of time He has given to simply gaze into His eyes alone, live unto His highest and watch and see the faithfulness of your God! For oh, how He loves you, how He longs to be the one to completely fulfill you. So often we think when we're single that, as soon as we meet "the one" we will suddenly be fulfilled, get married, stay fulfilled by this wonderful person we've married, and live happily ever after. Yeah....right. I'm not sure what gives us the impression that, if we are not fulfilled before we're married, we'll magically be fulfilled afterwards. What an unfair expectation to place on our poor spouse!!! And what a wonderful time, right now while we're single, to learn to be completely and utterly filled to overflowing with the only One who can truly fulfill our heart and soul. For He is the only One who will continue to fulfill us completely after we're married as well.

Yet, the waiting is still hard. Probably one of the hardest things we'll ever do. Every single thing in this world and especially in our society is screaming at us that we should focus on anything else while we're single besides His gaze. Fill yourself up with dating as many people as you can, with parties, drinking, anything, everything, everything but that which actually makes a difference. Let Him make a difference. And though you will have days that are terrible, where you're utterly convinced you'll never find the person you're suppose to be with, where you'll want to throw yourself onto the floor in a fit of drama...;-)....run to Him on those days, seek Him with your entire being, for if you do, you can have absolute perfect confidence that He will be faithful. For He created the heart that beats within your chest and He knows what you want, but more than that, He knows what you need. And if He is the giver, the gifts, desires, desires changed or taken away, it is all perfect and more wonderful than you will ever be able to imagine. How He delights to give His children the desires of the heart He created in them, when we are seeking Him with that whole heart.

Don't mistake me and believe that I have mastered my emotions enough to not have days that are hard...yeah, that's so not true. I still have days when doubt creeps in....however, I know exactly where to take this doubt, to run as fast as I can to His feet and fight with everything in me to cast it away. Whew, what a battle I have to wage against it so often! Yet, still He is faithful to stand and fight with me, assuring me that no matter what happens, He will fulfill me in ways I can never imagine, and that has nothing to do with being single. For I am convinced that, for myself, finding a husband truly isn't the answer, it's not really what my heart is longing for, though my heart often tries to convince me that this is the one and only thing it wants. No, the longing I feel deep within the recesses of this heart of mine are simply a longing for more and more of Jesus. And when I seek Him with all that I have within me, there is a joy that passes all understanding, a fulfillment only He can give, and a life that is abundant beyond all measure. For He. Is. Faithful. In all things.

I'm not pretending to have some secret formula to the waiting...except I have known what it is to make it terrible, and now, though in some ways it is harder than its ever been before, it has become a gift from Him. No longer a burden, but a time of drawing closer and closer unto my God, knowing that, even if His plan does not include a Robin Hood to walk out these days with me (yeah, I'm so not into Prince Charming, give me a guy who will give his very life for the least of these, living as an outlaw for the honor of his King over a guy who would try to sweep me away to some castle) He will take away this desire and fulfill me with something even more wonderful. For He is all I need. Period. And so, though I have never felt the urge to write about being single before, here it is in the deep of this night, and I am confident that you need it here, right now, in this very moment. To know how much Yeshua loves you, how He is seeking your heart, and it is because of this great love that He has you single in this season for His alone. Know that truly, though it is hard, the waiting is the greatest gift He will give you, for it's preparing you for all He has planned for this wonderuful life He has given you.

Know, oh child of God, that you are loved by One who is everything you've ever dreamed of and oh, so much more.

© Jade Valcarcel 2013. All rights reserved

Charlie.

(written to this.)

Together, we ventured out into the cold evening, laughing and simply happy to be together. It had been several weeks since we'd seen each other and catching up, me talking animatedly, exaggerating on purpose just to get him to laugh, waving my hands back and forth while he cracked up at my silliness, coming right back at me with funny faces and voices, was all we cared about.

"Where should we eat?? Do you want mexican? Burgers? Seafood?"
"I don't know, you pick!"
"No! YOU pick!"
"Ok fine....let me think.....ummmm....I don't know, you just pick!"
"NO! You're the guy, it's your decision!"
"Gah! Fine! Burgers...."

And with a decision finally made we headed to Larkburger in all its yummminess, ordering burgers and truffle parmesan fries, sharing a coke, and talking about everything under the sun. Jesus, music, what we're doing in our Bible studies, people we love, all the news worth telling about all the stuff going on in our lives, and everything in between. Finally done with our burgers, we moved on to a cozy little tea house and planted ourselves there for a couple more hours, telling each other about all the songs we've been into lately, listening to more music than I can remember, watching random videos on youtube, drinking chocolate tea, and simply enjoying the evening.

Listening to him talk about the discipleship program he wants to go through, what he's thinking about doing with his life, seeing that he's happy even though he struggles, I'm blown away by this young man sitting before me. And thinking back on a little over a year ago, I can't believe this is the same kid...but, he's not. He is a living testament to the glory and faithfulness of a God who loves him and who will radically change a life that is given to Him. I think about the path he was traveling then, one that sloped down and would have lead to a hell even he can't imagine, and I am overwhelmed by the goodness, the love of my Father, who has rescued me as well, but who so visibly rescued my handsome little brother for His glory.

I think about all those who prayed so faithfully for him, who loved him through the tough road back up again, who saw more than a troubled kid, but who saw a young man whose life was destined to belong to the One who redeems all things.....those who prayed who knew only Charlie's name, never seeing how their prayers were swung against the enemy in such a miraculous ways. To those who prayed, who believed all things, I am thankful for each of you more than you can possibly imagine. For you were the army standing with the heavenly one unseen, fighting the war that was all around and about him, that would have snuffed out his life, but because of the fight you fought in the unseen, he lost the life he possessed in all its darkness to gain a life that he cannot lose as a child of God. Thank you.

Each time I talk to this handsome brother of mine, I am reminded of the faithfulness of the Lord. That He has so much more in store for us than we can imagine if we allow Him to have it all, to possess our entire life. And so, in those times when I can't see His will for me, when I doubt if things will ever shift and the path before me open up, I am gently reminded of the miracle wrought through Charlie's life. It is a daily testament to me of the love of the One who holds my heart, that He wants nothing more than to work all things for our good, that I do not have to know the path my feet are walking, I only need cling to His hand, gaze into His eyes, and trust in His perfect will and love. The thought of this, it fills my heart to overflowing, it overwhelms my soul in such a way that I am stunned at the beauty of His heart for me...for us. He is irresistible, for His heart calls unto ours every moment of every day and it is here, in this moment, in this place when so many things are unknown to me, that I feel Him even more.

Charlie, you are a living example of what my Savior can do when a life is given unto Him. I am so proud of the man you are becoming, of the love you have for our Jesus, of the willingness you have to serve Him. You, my handsome, wonderful brother, you give me hope to know that He does indeed work all things to the glory of His name, no matter how hopeless they appear. I loved you before you were born and to know you now, a man who loves his God, only makes that love grow beyond all I ever thought possible. Little brother, you are one of my most favorite people, you are my heart, and I am so honored to know you not only as my brother, but as one of the dearest friends I have. Thank you for your given heart to our King. I love you more than words can express.

© Jade Valcarcel 2013. All rights reserved

this week.

Ventured out for the first time in a week...being sick....just bleck. Tucked away at my usual table, the snow through the windows swirls and spins, diving down, and being pushed back up again by this relentless air driving it with a will of its own. I love this about winter, being tucked safely away, warm and entranced, gazing at the white world beyond the windows.

Still weak and not quite back to normal, too exhausted to talk to anyone the past week, up each night coughing and not being able to sleep, I've thought about much. Those late nights, as miserable as they could be, proved to be more about staying up late to pray than it was about being sick and simply not being able to sleep. And I prayed about much, and one thing in particular came to mind over and over and over and like I've done many times in the past, I prayed and cried and ached, and fell into His arms, exhausted at the end of it all. And it's not over....it began with such a sudden forward momentum in my life, that before I knew what was happening, I was caught up and placed in the middle of much I'd never known before. This has been the struggle through much of the last eight months...no, struggle is not really the right word, my heart has ached more than I've ever thought possible, and yet, it has been the most wonderful thing that's happened in this short life of mine. It has pressed me deeper into my Father's arms than I've ever been, it has challenged me to rely not on the way I feel, but on His perfect timing, it has asked that I let go of that which I've wanted so much and release it to Him, knowing that He is faithful and will see all that He has begun brought to completion. It has taught me more than anything else, that I can live in the perfect will of my God while not having what I want...for what I want is so often not what He knows I need. That moment, when you have to let go of it all....of that which you wanted so much, and hold on only to your Father, knowing how beautiful His gaze is...that moment changes everything. I wish I would learn to let go faster, because it's often when I let go that everything I thought I'd lost is handed back even more perfect than I imagined it to be.

Narnia is being painted outside, with grace and beauty and the magic only wrought by the deep, dense clouds covering this valley. I love the snow, though I don't like to be cold;) I've longed often this week to be out in these mountains on a snowmobile, lost in the deep quiet that only the snow in the middle of no where can bring. It is one of the deepest quiets I've ever known....being out on the top of some mountain, the machine underneath you turned off, simply listening to the sound of stillness. I can't describe what that does to my soul...it's like standing on the shore of the ocean that is home to me, the mountains in all their grand and aching beauty, allow my soul to breath easier. Yet, it's not often that I go into them this time of year....I don't own a snowmobile and hiking out to where I'd really like to go is a little impossible. But I think of it often, and I love the fact that my God has allowed me to live in such an amazing place. I think I must need deep beauty and wilderness to keep me grounded. There is a closeness to Him that comes only when I'm in that place, surrounded by all He has created, which reminds me how small I am and how much I'm loved by a very big God. It's awesome:)

This evening, I am content to watch the falling snow, digging deep into the Word that brings Life and abundance and a joy that is deeper than any I've ever known. As a deep river that flows throughout my life, never waning because things are hard, I have experienced the joy of a beautiful God that's crazy about His children, forever longing, forever pursuing our hearts.

And the deepness of the wilderness, the beauty of the sea are brought into this little cafe as I seek out the One who created them both....and the stillness is deep in the presence of He who loves you and I more than we'll ever be able to understand.

© Jade Valcarcel 2013. All rights reserved

a girl who...

Disclaimer: I don't agree with everything here in...I just thought it was clever and lovely and quirky and whimsical...and I thought you might think so too:) And currently, I'm too sick to come up with my own words, so for now, what I love in other writers are the best I can do.

"You should date a girl who reads. Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve. 

Find a girl who reads. You'll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She's the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in the secondhand book shop? That's the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn. 

She's the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on the top because she's kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author's making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. 

Ask her if she likes the book. 

Buy her another cup of coffee. 

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce's Ulysses, she's just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or if she would like to be Alice. 

It's easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality, but she's going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does. She has to give it a shot somehow. 

Lie to her. If she understands Syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world. Fail her, because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to an end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two. 

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series. If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 am clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours, but she will always come back to you. She'll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. 

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she's sick. Over Skype. You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn't burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.  

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only giver her monotony and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you're better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads. 

Of better yet, date a girl who writes." 

-Rosemarie Urquico

....beautiful....

I wish I'd written this, because it so captures how I feel about people in general... 

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or if you have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own. If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusations of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trust worthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!" It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer

simply put....

....I'm smitten with them. Seriously. Absolutely adore their music! 

And they're just about the cutest couple I've seen ;)