this week.

Ventured out for the first time in a week...being sick....just bleck. Tucked away at my usual table, the snow through the windows swirls and spins, diving down, and being pushed back up again by this relentless air driving it with a will of its own. I love this about winter, being tucked safely away, warm and entranced, gazing at the white world beyond the windows.

Still weak and not quite back to normal, too exhausted to talk to anyone the past week, up each night coughing and not being able to sleep, I've thought about much. Those late nights, as miserable as they could be, proved to be more about staying up late to pray than it was about being sick and simply not being able to sleep. And I prayed about much, and one thing in particular came to mind over and over and over and like I've done many times in the past, I prayed and cried and ached, and fell into His arms, exhausted at the end of it all. And it's not over....it began with such a sudden forward momentum in my life, that before I knew what was happening, I was caught up and placed in the middle of much I'd never known before. This has been the struggle through much of the last eight months...no, struggle is not really the right word, my heart has ached more than I've ever thought possible, and yet, it has been the most wonderful thing that's happened in this short life of mine. It has pressed me deeper into my Father's arms than I've ever been, it has challenged me to rely not on the way I feel, but on His perfect timing, it has asked that I let go of that which I've wanted so much and release it to Him, knowing that He is faithful and will see all that He has begun brought to completion. It has taught me more than anything else, that I can live in the perfect will of my God while not having what I want...for what I want is so often not what He knows I need. That moment, when you have to let go of it all....of that which you wanted so much, and hold on only to your Father, knowing how beautiful His gaze is...that moment changes everything. I wish I would learn to let go faster, because it's often when I let go that everything I thought I'd lost is handed back even more perfect than I imagined it to be.

Narnia is being painted outside, with grace and beauty and the magic only wrought by the deep, dense clouds covering this valley. I love the snow, though I don't like to be cold;) I've longed often this week to be out in these mountains on a snowmobile, lost in the deep quiet that only the snow in the middle of no where can bring. It is one of the deepest quiets I've ever known....being out on the top of some mountain, the machine underneath you turned off, simply listening to the sound of stillness. I can't describe what that does to my soul...it's like standing on the shore of the ocean that is home to me, the mountains in all their grand and aching beauty, allow my soul to breath easier. Yet, it's not often that I go into them this time of year....I don't own a snowmobile and hiking out to where I'd really like to go is a little impossible. But I think of it often, and I love the fact that my God has allowed me to live in such an amazing place. I think I must need deep beauty and wilderness to keep me grounded. There is a closeness to Him that comes only when I'm in that place, surrounded by all He has created, which reminds me how small I am and how much I'm loved by a very big God. It's awesome:)

This evening, I am content to watch the falling snow, digging deep into the Word that brings Life and abundance and a joy that is deeper than any I've ever known. As a deep river that flows throughout my life, never waning because things are hard, I have experienced the joy of a beautiful God that's crazy about His children, forever longing, forever pursuing our hearts.

And the deepness of the wilderness, the beauty of the sea are brought into this little cafe as I seek out the One who created them both....and the stillness is deep in the presence of He who loves you and I more than we'll ever be able to understand.

© Jade Valcarcel 2013. All rights reserved