moving.

The link to the beautiful artwork below is here. Check out her stuff, it's amazing!

I'm moving. Into a beautiful little town home with one of my dearest friends. On the river. Right on the river to be exact. And I have a little deck off the back of my bedroom that sits on this beautiful laughing river. I can hardly believe it...that for now, this is the life He has given me. Surrounded by mountains on every side, living in this beautiful state, hidden away in a little valley....living where most people dream of living. I'm astounded. And life is wonderful and overflowing with beauty and terribly hard in many ways and I struggle a lot, but He has seen fit to surround me for my whole life with places that comfort and speak to my soul when things are hard...and for this I am more grateful than I'll ever be able to express.

If I have not lived on the ocean I have lived in the mountains. My whole life has been one continuous looking around at all that surrounds me and constantly being reminded of the hand of a God who created such a world, where I see...truly see...and wonder how I could possibly question who He is? Seeing all He has done to speak to my heart, I can't question who He is...I've questioned many times what He's allowed in my life, yet, even in these questions the answers have come with a surety and grace that He allows that which molds my heart and makes me ever change into someone that is better than I was....but wow, I still have a long way to go. 

He is faithful. More faithful than I realize today, because each day that passes I think, "WOW!!! He's SO faithful!" and the next day I'll think, "Yeah....I know waaaaay better today than I did yesterday how faithful He is...." and so His faithfulness continues with each day slipping into the history of this life He's given me. Faithful. That word is becoming a theme in my relationship with Him, knowing deeper depths of all it holds within. Faithful.

So, did I mention I'm moving into a little place on. the. river.?! Yeah, this girl is:) And I'm really excited about it in case you can't tell! I never thought I'd be able to live in a place like this, but even in this His depths of faithfulness have come shining through. No, it's not the nicest or newest place, but to me, it's everything I want or need in this moment. More than that. I didn't think to dream this up actually....but, He has proven over and over and over again, that if I trust Him, He will give more than I could ever dream. 

for you.

And for the first time, ever, your face gazed back at me from an unexpected picture and this time, the pain did not accompany it. All I saw, all I remembered was how much I love you, how much you loved me too, and a smile spread across my face. They told me that time heals all wounds. That's  not exactly true. For we bear forever the scars of losing someone (whether they are taken by death or just taken by circumstance to live outside of our lives) yet the ache does dull, the pain quieting with each passing day. We learn we can love others just as much, while still carrying the love we thought would be gone forever. We learn that loving someone new does not mean the love from before lessens, but instead we find that our love expands and encompasses the new while still cherishing the old. For with each love, lost or gained, we are forever changed. And in this, in the looking back on the canvass of our hearts, we can then see the colors from the brush held by the Painter's hand, as with each heart ache, a brush stroke of color is swept upon the masterpiece He would create.

Seeing your face, seeing all that radiates out from all that you are, this now brings only joy and a clear vision of the bright color that you are upon my heart. Oh, and how thankful I am for having been granted a season in your life. A season full of laughter and tears, of Jesus and life abundant. It is by far, the best season to date that He has granted me on this earth, though I expect, as a great author put it, that there are greater things to come than any we leave behind. So, I will cherish what I shared with you, for the gift of having you be a part of each day of a season I've lived, and I will move forward with the knowledge that He will bless your life, though you are there and I am here. And now I find that the wound I carried turned into a scar that has been comforted by the Father's hand, and across the scar He has painted a flower which will bloom until the day I die. 

How grateful and blessed I am for loving you. Your beautiful life changed who I am in so many ways and I will never be the same. Maybe one day I'll tell you, maybe one day the seasons of our lives will cross again, but for now, all I know is I love you for all you are and all you will become. 

falling in love.

There it is, that night deep and dark, no sleep to be found. Tired. Exhausted to the bone. Yet, sleep eludes my body like a shadow forever dancing just out of reach. Tucked away in a place of quiet, much needing to be done, yet the words would be written, the dance typed out, and so I dance with my fingers the words that would partner across the blank dance floor of the page before me.

Tonight I can hear the call. The warmth of the air, the haunting beauty of a silver coast, salt air upon my tongue. Tonight, it is strong and clear and all that I want.

Gazing out of the cold panes, the world beyond this window is anything but that. Snow gently falls, silent upon a cold ground that holds winter close, putting off warmth as long as possible. Yet, even in this there is beauty. Grays and creams swirl together with the stark white of freshly fallen snow and a sky in which the crisp air makes the stars more clear than anywhere else. These make up the dress that the land would not take off. For even in the absence of warmth, of colors that are richer, even with these cold colors that cover the land all around, the beauty is cool and aloof yet in a way, deeper than the happy yellows and pinks that have coated other places with the warmth of spring.

The call is clear tonight. If I could reach out, just there, the warmth of the sea, the calm and peace that make up my soul, it would be just there.

Yet....

.....The call is always here, always present. It is her sand that runs through my veins, her salt that covers my soul....yet....the beat of my heart is pulsing with a land much different from the shores on which I grew up. The deep of mountains ancient have, without my noticing, caused my heart to fall in love. The curves of this land, her frigid rivers, jagged canyons, the wild sweetness of the air she possesses...all of this...somehow...without my noticing, have tied my heart down and there is nothing to be done. For just as surely as falling in love, that moment when suddenly, your heart is no longer your own, this has happened two fold in this place. That moment that you least expected, coming with a flash and taking with it even faster that which you thought you'd have the choice to give, yet, finding that if you'd had the choice, you would have given it to the possessor anyway...yes, it's very much the same thing. For I have found that one does not just fall in love with someone, but it's possible to constantly fall in love with places. With things. With the deep beauty of mountains, with silver shorelines, with trees bending and swaying in a delicious autumn breeze, with humid springs bursting forth with brilliant pinks and yellows and blues, with the taste of food, the smell of a camp fire, starlight and knights and fairies and all the beautiful, wonderful things that make up a sweet, wild, incredible life. Yes. We can go about falling in love with them every day.

No, all these little falling in loves are not the same as that one that hits you. They do not hold the same power, for falling in love with a person and knowing that it may never be returned, this holds a weight which falling in love with small things never will. Yet, it still happens. For the places we live hold a beauty and love all their own. We have the choice to fight it or to find the beauty in every moment, in the small things that are worth loving, that are worth writing about, that are worth living to the fullest.

And so, I find that though my soul will forever belong to the silver coast on which I grew up, my heart has fallen deeply in love with aspen covered mountains and all that they possess. For in this place, in the trees and rivers and streams, in the gently falling snow and beautiful golden summers, I have truly found my God, I have truly gazed upon His face, and I have seen that He is enough.

honestly scary.

I've been reading some really fantastic blogs lately by some really awesome people...which has led to some questions and concerns...which was then followed by a "don't you dare write another word until you figure this out" sort of moment. Do you want to know what draws me to these writers? Their honesty. Their beautiful way of being who they are without living in fear of who they think they're expected to be and trying to be that someone else. I love that. I want to be like that.

 I want you to know that I'm really struggling with writing or saying something that will step on your toes.

 For so long....well, pretty much my whole life actually...I've lived trying to be the person that everyone around me expected me to be. It's exhausting. Let me be very clear here, I'm not trying to blame anyone else for this, this is totally something I've put on myself, but the raw truth is, this is what I've done.

And then I lost who I was. I did a really great job of being the girl I thought everyone expected me to be.

And now I'm trying to figure out exactly who that is again. I'm trying to figure out who my God has made me to be and what purpose He's created my life for. Because when you strip everything away from me, when I don't even know who I am, I'll still stand here with nothing but the knowledge that I am His child. That's who I am at the end of the day, when I have nothing left. I am His child. 

It's a pretty incredible journey, but yeah, breaking out of that mentality that being individual is wrong, has been...is....a hard thing to do.There are a lot of things I've shied away from writing about because what if I'm perceived as less spiritual or what if people think I love Jesus less?? Well, I would just like everyone to know right now that I am absolutely 100% head-over-heels, crazy in love with Jesus, and my relationship with Him is messy and beautiful and hard and wonderful, and pretty much on my part very human, because I'm human and I don't know how to be anything else. On His end, however, His relationship with me is perfect, because He's the only man...or person...in my life that's perfect;) Whew! That. is. awesome. And breath taking. And I'm truly learning that this life isn't about "me" or what I want, it's about Him and His will for me. For He knows you and I far better than we know ourselves.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, I'm really learning what a beautiful mess this whole thing called life is. That I don't want to find my identity even in Christianity but in Jesus alone (yeah, it's different) that nothing else matters but that I'm honest with you, that I write what He has put on my heart, that I strive with every fiber in me to showcase Him in all that I do, and for you to know how crazy He is about you.

It all goes back to being transparent in the way He is asking. To not hide behind perfection, behind the "I've got it all together" image, but for you to know that I struggle, I really mess up sometimes, but I am His child and He is all I'm striving to be. So, while I'm not dwelling on the mess-ups, I'm aware of them and trying my best to run the race before me with eternity in sight while gazing always and forever into His eyes.

Jesus is so good. I'm learning with each day that passes just how deep His faithfulness is and that I'll never be able to fathom it. I'm learning that there definitely is a cost that needs to be counted when following Him, but I've counted the cost and seen that, though this life will definitely look different to the world, the cost is worth it. 

Also, I'm sure I'll eventually say things that'll step on your toes at some point (sorry about that in advance...yep, I'm still gonna say them) and we definitely won't agree on everything (we can still be friends though!!) but, despite being different (man, that makes life wonderful and interesting) if we're both running the same race with the same goal set before us, we can absolutely run together, press each other forward, and be exactly who He's called us to be individually! He's faithful to equip us in this way:)

Also, just in case you forgot, He's crazy about you!!! Just wanted to remind you...

And this was me being honest....kinda scary, but I deeply appreciate you reading what I write and pray that you will forever and always be pushed ever deeper into Him.

the waiting.

There is something beautiful about waking before the sun does. A quiet that is deeper than any other hour is to be found here, willing to bear with you as you dig deeper still into the Word, talking to the One who who created the stillness of this moment, the One who waits eagerly that you may find it. Hot tea is good company, snuggled down deep in a down comforter, reading the ancient words of Isaiah, knowing that the minutes are flying by too fast and soon, the day will force you out of bed, out of the stillness, but for now, tea and a prophet are the best of company.

Words fill the air, making it fat with promises. The veil seems to lift or at least, the assurance of much is firm. Not seeing what He does in the unseen is beautiful in the deep of now. Not seeing what He does in the unseen out of this moment, when the day has come in ushering with it all the world would have you believe, holding onto the deep and stillness of these hours before the sun has risen and holding fast unto these promises, this will be the test. Yet, the waiting is sweet in the moment of now. The knowing is strong. For the sweet aroma of all He is fills all we are when our days begin in the quiet with Him. Filled with the knowledge and fragrance of Him and carrying it with us into our day, this is what diminishes all the world's lies. This is what makes knowledge of what He is doing stronger and stronger still.

The waiting. The holding unto the facts of how He has been faithful before in our moments. Clinging to a promise that He will above all else come through for all our moments in the future, despite what doubts scream in the logic of day. To wait upon your God is not doing nothing, but indeed to wait upon Him is to do everything. Hard? Yes. Absolutely. Worth it? More than you can imagine. For we are so easily satisfied with stones when He would give us rubies. Waiting will test the tensile strength of courage that He is working in our souls. Waiting requires being deaf to words said like, "I would just hate to see you miss your chance." As if we can "miss a chance" as if our lives will suddenly be irrevocably off course if we don't steer the ship for a while, for obviously He cannot steer our ships without a little help from our hands! No! He needs neither our help to guide nor will He allow a chance to be missed if we are surrendered to Him. It's as ridiculous as believing the sun will not rise without our help this morning. For if our God can raise the sun each morning in the sky, He is more than capable of bringing about His most perfect plan in our lives if we're willing to wait on Him. 

Take heart, the wait is creating a dependance on your God, a beautiful relationship and trust with Jesus, that will only serve to prepare and equip you for all He would have you do in the future. Is it hard? Good. For that which is the hardest is what works the deepest of changes in our lives.

For now, the waiting is what I am called to. To gaze into His eyes, fixing my eyes no where else but on His, knowing with perfect assurance that He is faithful, is all I need do. Nothing more or less than this. The waiting is everything.

Light is beginning to break over the mountains. The hazy blue of morning whispers of the day following, of life that is soon to be met, work needing to be accomplished, people seen, and words spoken. But, the sweetness of time spent in these deepest of hours has settled into my soul, never long enough, and will go with me into the day. And this time will change who I am in this day. For meeting with Him before the day begins changes everything. Always.

"'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul. Therefore I have hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord."

-Lamentations 3:24-26

of spring and an answer.

This little valley I have the joy of living in is officially boasting spring weather! Perhaps not for long, I'm sure winter here still has a bit to get out of its system, but this past week and today, spring is holding its own. And I'm loving it. Every single, beautiful, slightly warmer, second of it.

These moments are soaked in Like Rain's new EP "The Unexpected Fall". Check them out. I'm all about seriously talented musicians that are still unknown and trying to make it. They are totally worth the $4.95 the EP costs and personally, I think you should take advantage of their amazing music. The song, "All In The Way" is on repeat as I write this. Love them.

Feel like I've been all over the place lately. As much as I love going, visiting, being with people, traveling, there is still a beautiful sweetness and calm that comes with being home. All the homey things that come with only being in this place are like a balm after traveling. Sitting here, slowly sipping a cappuccino, my fingers gently typing out the dance I love, stopping here and there to write a thought in my journal, pausing to listen to the words that drift through my earbuds, glancing up as people come and go from this little coffee shop, it all feels beautiful and right and wonderful in this moment. The sky is a deep, bright blue, white cotton candy clouds drifting lazily by, the trees seem to breathe the longing to have their buds burst through. They hold that promise. It's coming. And with it follows a Colorado summer, which I whole heartedly believe is absolutely the most beautiful summer that any state can boast....up in the mountains at least. It almost makes up for the nine months of winter we seem to have;) Though, I love the winters too...just far more excited about summer!

This past winter has been absolutely wonderful in so many ways. Yet, it has held a struggle, a pain I thought would have gone long before now. The answer to the struggle has not been easy, yet with the coming of spring I have felt the faithfulness of Jesus in deeper ways than I thought possible. And today, as I sit in this little coffee shop, this verse floats all around me, enveloping my heart and soul, like a balm:

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed."

-Psalm 34: 4, 5

 Isn't it amazing how, you can be sitting or going about a most normal day, and like a gentle whisper an answer floats into your soul? All I can do is gently smile, and though the answer may not have been exactly what I wanted, there is the sweet, wonderful assurance, that the surrender has been the lesson (though a very hard lesson) and that through the pain, I have learned far more than I would have without it. I proclaim so often with my mouth that I would have Jesus take me deeper, press me further, put me into the fire that I may come out stronger...yet, when all of this comes, my protests grow louder, my cries more frequent, and the longing for it all to stop overwhelming. Still, He is faithful. Faithful to ignore my protests, knowing me far more than I know myself, and when it is finished, I am always grateful. And I can always look back with joy unimaginable, seeing the work done, though I know I still have far to go.

The answer floated in this morning, though I knew it far longer than I would like to admit. Sometimes, it takes actually acknowledging that it is there in order to truly see it. As if you can just make out the image of what He has said, yet turn away and still cry out to Him for an answer. Smiling, I know that over and over and over again, He gently takes me by the shoulders, turning and pointing at the answer given, but like a stubborn child I turn back stomping my foot, saying I see nothing, and asking again and again and again for a different answer. And so He patiently continues to teach and mold my heart, until finally, there it is, clear and true and beautiful. The answer. When it is finally seen, it often doesn't matter what it is, because the beauty of actually seeing it is sweeter than what it holds within itself. Or at least, this is what I often feel....and I feel it in this moment. A relief that I can see, a joy that I can have joy with all it holds, and a contentment in all He has done. Man, I love Him. So. Much.

My coffee cup is now empty. A young couple sits at a high top table in front of me, eating what seems to be a most enjoyed lunch, the door to this little cafe is propped open to let in the fresh, cool, spring air. White clouds continue to drift by, happy in their purpose to be exactly what He has created them to be. My Bible lays open, verses popping out here and there, speaking to my soul, ministering to my heart.

He is good.

This life He has given is beautiful. I know I say this often, but honestly, in moments like this one it washes over me afresh. Moments of pain, loss, hurt, they all are swallowed up in all He has given, all He has, in His love, covered my days with. My life is far from perfect, I would never have you think it is, for there are struggles and much behind the scenes of this blog going on. Yet, wow, I can't help but absolutely be in love with the life He has given. I have been blessed far beyond what I will ever deserve. And there is much to come I know. For I feel Him moving in the unseen in so many areas and all I can pray is that no matter what choices need to be made in the future, whatever decisions are placed in front of me, may He have the glory from it all through this age and that which is to come.

I hope your Saturday is filled with His joy in a deeper way than ever before. I pray that if you are struggling to surrender, to learn a lesson He would teach, that today, you would feel His presence and love wash over you, and that despite it all, you would be in love with the life He has given as well:)

For as this song says, Nothing Is Wasted in His hands.