honestly scary.

I've been reading some really fantastic blogs lately by some really awesome people...which has led to some questions and concerns...which was then followed by a "don't you dare write another word until you figure this out" sort of moment. Do you want to know what draws me to these writers? Their honesty. Their beautiful way of being who they are without living in fear of who they think they're expected to be and trying to be that someone else. I love that. I want to be like that.

 I want you to know that I'm really struggling with writing or saying something that will step on your toes.

 For so long....well, pretty much my whole life actually...I've lived trying to be the person that everyone around me expected me to be. It's exhausting. Let me be very clear here, I'm not trying to blame anyone else for this, this is totally something I've put on myself, but the raw truth is, this is what I've done.

And then I lost who I was. I did a really great job of being the girl I thought everyone expected me to be.

And now I'm trying to figure out exactly who that is again. I'm trying to figure out who my God has made me to be and what purpose He's created my life for. Because when you strip everything away from me, when I don't even know who I am, I'll still stand here with nothing but the knowledge that I am His child. That's who I am at the end of the day, when I have nothing left. I am His child. 

It's a pretty incredible journey, but yeah, breaking out of that mentality that being individual is wrong, has been...is....a hard thing to do.There are a lot of things I've shied away from writing about because what if I'm perceived as less spiritual or what if people think I love Jesus less?? Well, I would just like everyone to know right now that I am absolutely 100% head-over-heels, crazy in love with Jesus, and my relationship with Him is messy and beautiful and hard and wonderful, and pretty much on my part very human, because I'm human and I don't know how to be anything else. On His end, however, His relationship with me is perfect, because He's the only man...or person...in my life that's perfect;) Whew! That. is. awesome. And breath taking. And I'm truly learning that this life isn't about "me" or what I want, it's about Him and His will for me. For He knows you and I far better than we know ourselves.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, I'm really learning what a beautiful mess this whole thing called life is. That I don't want to find my identity even in Christianity but in Jesus alone (yeah, it's different) that nothing else matters but that I'm honest with you, that I write what He has put on my heart, that I strive with every fiber in me to showcase Him in all that I do, and for you to know how crazy He is about you.

It all goes back to being transparent in the way He is asking. To not hide behind perfection, behind the "I've got it all together" image, but for you to know that I struggle, I really mess up sometimes, but I am His child and He is all I'm striving to be. So, while I'm not dwelling on the mess-ups, I'm aware of them and trying my best to run the race before me with eternity in sight while gazing always and forever into His eyes.

Jesus is so good. I'm learning with each day that passes just how deep His faithfulness is and that I'll never be able to fathom it. I'm learning that there definitely is a cost that needs to be counted when following Him, but I've counted the cost and seen that, though this life will definitely look different to the world, the cost is worth it. 

Also, I'm sure I'll eventually say things that'll step on your toes at some point (sorry about that in advance...yep, I'm still gonna say them) and we definitely won't agree on everything (we can still be friends though!!) but, despite being different (man, that makes life wonderful and interesting) if we're both running the same race with the same goal set before us, we can absolutely run together, press each other forward, and be exactly who He's called us to be individually! He's faithful to equip us in this way:)

Also, just in case you forgot, He's crazy about you!!! Just wanted to remind you...

And this was me being honest....kinda scary, but I deeply appreciate you reading what I write and pray that you will forever and always be pushed ever deeper into Him.