The smell is all around me…in my hair, in my lungs, in my soul. This is who I am. This place makes up the very fibers of my being. As if the breaths I breathe know they will be taken in easier, breathed in deeper. Deep. That is the only word to describe this place. It wraps itself around me, finding the lowest places in that deep well that exists inside my soul, filling them with whatever powers it possesses. Perhaps, this is why it's called the Lowcountry. That Gullah magic that is born in us, bred in us, that we cannot escape no matter how far we run, it is deep. Always this place calls to those it births. The salt marshes, the haunting voice of the gulls that guard the slate gray coast, the constant tides of the ocean that fills our blood, and the taste of all this, of the sea and salt and sand, all of it calls and pulls with a tide we will never escape. This is our fate. Those who are born to this Lowcountry, this place fat with magic that only the salt air can give, we are forever cursed to a fate that refuses to be forgotten. We can run or hide or deny all we want, but no matter what we say, we feel the pull to come back to these shores as sure as we feel our hearts beating in our chests. This is fact and truth all too certain. For the Lowcountry gives birth to children that she will never let go.
And I am but one. One woman who may dwell in mountains far to the west for as long as I draw breath, but who will forever be wrought in two, forever torn, forever haunted by the voice that calls. She forever pulls the heartstring woven around the heart that beats to the rhythm of the waves crashing on her silver shores. Always. For she knows how to mold a loyalty in those born to her like no other place I've seen. There is something about us. Those who are possessed by this land will be fiercly loyal until we draw the last breath into our lungs. No matter what we've gone through. No matter how much we've survived on these shores, no matter what we've tried to escape, we will defend and stand staunch, stubborn to the fact that THIS place is unlike any other. And it is.
Life is different here. Time seems to slow and move to the beat of the sea that runs through the veins of those living on its shore. Lowcountry time has its own hands, controlling a clock that refuses to be dictated to by any other. This clock lives in us, wherever we might be. Which does not bode well for those of us who have run away from home to dwell in fast paced places like…New York or Chicago or many other cities, overflowing with the intoxicating rhythm that each beautiful city or place has set for itself.
They are all beautiful in their own way, these places we move or run to. Different and alive and crackling with the tantalizing majesty that only they can create. Like brilliant colors lighting up our lives, broadening our horizons, each new place has a lesson to teach, to mark upon our souls. Each country or state or city, they all have a voice unique to them, otherworldly, that may place a heartstring not easily forgotten. The smells and sounds and tastes of these places, the incredible beauty they possess, in their way they are just as beautiful. Perhaps for many, they surpass the salt marshes that dwell in this tiny bit of land.
Oh, but for us, nothing can truly compare. This is a fact that truly may be stronger than any other fact in the lives of those who call this place home. It certainly is a fact in my own life. And though I may live the rest of my days far from this home of mine that claims all of who I am, it will never be because the ache has quieted or because the pull is not as strong. No, never for these reasons. If this is indeed the case, it will simply be because reality does not always hand me what I'd like. Reality sometimes ask of me what I'd rather not give, but still I give it. Reality may dictate that I fall in love with a man whose heart is possessed by mountains who dwell far above the sea and marshes I love. Reality may see me on the plains of Africa or the shores of Haiti, pouring out for the lost and vulnerable. Reality may simply say here….for no other reason than that it is here. However, no matter where reality takes me, no matter where I go, (and happily I'll go if my God asks me) my heart will forever and always be owned by the Lowcountry of South Carolina, for truly I am a product of this place, her salt air is carried in my lungs, her sand courses through my blood, and I am forever a child of her sea.
Clouds hang low and dark in the overcast sky. Crying tears from their depths as the wind dances through, catching up all the tears and sweeping them through the increasingly wet air. And I smile. For the sky in all its forms, no matter if it holds the golden warmth of a smiling sun, the beauty of a milky moon, stars laughing in all their beauty, or the deep seriousness that comes with the heavy gray clouds now filling it, despite what it holds, I love it in all its forms. I love waiting to see what it will hold, waking up before the day has broken, before it has chosen which picture it will present to my little corner of the world for a particular day.
In the deep of what this sky over me holds, I can see, though rarely grasp, the answers that have and will and are yet to come. For all the ages that have waltzed by, this canvass spread vast and uninhibited above has been the silent witness to it all. Bearing with humanity, shining in all its glory, sending stars to guide men who were wise to a baby unknown, shedding tears over the baby who grew to a man and hung beneath the sorrow of the witness He created, and at the end and beginning of an age, taking into its depths the man who went into the deep of the earth so that He could arise from the deep and be taken above into the depths of this sky who watched all His moments. Still, this witness that hangs above me this day watches all things. Watching and waiting…always waiting, until the day it will be rolled back as a scroll and the end of one age and beginning of time unending will be wrought into being.
This is what I see and feel as I sit under this deep gray canvas. The reality of what has been done under the sphere stretched over me weighs heavy. And I think of the One who dresses the heavens, who places the clouds, shines forth from the stars, and would gently cup my face with the warmth of the sun created for such a task. I think of Him and how He watched and formed and created and loved it all too much to force His perfect will but instead, offered a choice. For He desires my love above blind obedience. So, He left the choice and did not beg or plead, threaten or scream but, simply loved what He could not help loving with all His heart. And the thought is too much for me to grasp....too hard for me to attain. All I know is that I am surrounded each moment of every day, with each breath that I breathe, by a love I will never understand for all the seconds I am blessed with under the sky He has placed above me. This is what I know.
There are so many things I have questioned in this life. So many unanswered questions I have sought answers for. Yet, in the end, when the questions have stilled and the answers have come, (or not come) I am slowly learning that though I may find answers or not, He is the answer to all I have questioned. Beyond who I am, beyond who I will become, He is there. Ever the same. Unmoving. Never changing. And this is the answer to every question I will ever have on this earth. Him. The words of a song I have played over and over again the last few weeks seem to fill the moments I breathe in now:
You are greater
Greater than the fight
That rages for my life
I have found my rest is in you
You are brighter
Breaking through the night
Lighting up my sight
I have seen my rest is in You.
Beyond all else, every single moment I do not believe I can take another step, still He is there and greater than all else. Greater than all my soul would believe can vanquish it. This is what I know. This is all I need to know. Though I may not always feel it, I know it. In these thoughts, in this knowledge, the joy is overwhelming. The love is all consuming. Our God is beautiful beyond all description. In this, I would let go of me and take hold of Him, because He is the center of it all. The source of life, the hope of glory, and this is where every question fades away, consumed by all that He is.
"Hot coffee and cold winter mornings are two of the best soul mates who ever did find each other. " -Terri Guillemets
I couldn't agree more with the above statement! Staring out over these beautiful Tennessee hills, heavy with trees lifting branches to praise their Creator, listening to the wind dance and sing about this little cottage, and feeling the cold it's escorting in, my coffee just tastes so much better when accompanied by all of this. And my heart is full of gratitude to the One who has given it all. Beautiful music drifts from somewhere deep within the silver confines on my little computer, floating up and out into this beautiful morning full of joy, and right now, in this moment, all is as it should be in my little world. Nothing is ever perfect, never is there a time where some little pain (or big pain) isn't trying to push its way in...yet, through it all there is joy still. For I know the One who is the giver of this joy, who was Himself anointed with it, and so as His child striving to be ever like Him, I would be anointed with this joy as well.
You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.
Hebrews 1:9
There is a post I wrote in the spring of 2011 that I've been debating posting on here....I thought I'd be able to rewrite it, but after re-reading it, I'm not sure I can write it again and say it the way I did then....so here it is. This is what He was then working in me and though it looks a bit different today, He continues to work all of this even deeper in my soul still.
joy.
written March 11, 2011
What is the first word that comes to mind when you here the name of Jesus? Just one word. Don't read any further and think about it for a moment...What about, mighty, healer, grace, light, Lord, counselor, friend, King, love, peace? I'm sure you could think of many more. What about joy? When you think of Jesus, do you ever think of joy? Do you ever imagine Him being joyful? I don't think we do very often.
It seems in our society and I'm sure many others, we portray Jesus as very stoic and serious. The film industry has especially done this and I believe they play a big part in this imagine we carry in our heads of Jesus, as they do in so many other things. I do not believe this was who He was and is. He could not have been the serious, unmoving man who's hair was so stiff it never moved in the wind, because He was human and real. Yes, He was a real, living, breathing, full of emotion, human being. But He was perfect. Every emotion, every laugh, every tear, every bit of anger, or passion, or hurt, all these emotions were perfect and never inappropriate, but He did have them. All of them.
The more I learn of this man who was God, who is my Savior, the more the Lord shows me what a man of joy He was and is. That He laughed bigger and probably played harder than any other man. The fact that children were drawn to Him is a perfect example of this. Can you imagine a little child being drawn to someone, especially a man, who was stiff and in a monotone voice said, "Let the little children come to me." No! He must have knelt down, smiled a huge smile, opened His arms wide and joyously spoke," Let the little children come to me!" Can't you see it? A group of little ones running head long into His arms, tackling Him, laughing with delight at this great man who obviously delighted in them so. This is the image of my Jesus that I see, a man who would wrestle with little boys, hold little girls close and show them all the face of their God, changing their lives forever.
As many of you have probably noticed by now, I am a huge fan of C.S. Lewis and always find that he has the perfect quotes for what I'm looking to express.
“Joy is the serious business of Heaven.” -C.S. Lewis
Yes, this joy that Christ has given me is a serious thing. I know this because I see it so clearly in all that He is. God is serious about us knowing Him, about us understanding that to live the victorious Christian life is to carry His burdens, to ache for what He aches for, to weep over what He weeps over, yet through it all to have His great and abiding joy. This is what I'm finding, that I have many hurts in my life I wish were not there. I ache for the people I love to come to a full knowledge of who their Jesus is, to love Him with all their hearts and when this is not the case, my heart breaks. I ache for those in my life who are willingly walking away from the Lord to come back again, or to go ever deeper with Him and not settle for the small amount of the Christian life they are living. I long to rescue the least of these that He loves so much, the vulnerable and orphaned, the misused and hurting of this world. I ache for these things, yet that deep vein of joy that He has given me ever flows within my soul and it does not diminish just because I am carrying His burdens. No! I rejoice to carry them, I find joy in bearing His heart for what He has placed in my life, because He joyously bore all that I deserved to bear! He willingly took every blow, every hit, every sin that was rightly mine. How can I do less? For life will always be life on this earth, it's full of pain and sorrows, but there are beautiful wonderful things too. Just because I'm a Christian does not mean that I escape dealing with the hard blows of life, how I handle them, however, this is what makes all the difference in the world. I have found that I cannot "handle" them at all, but willingly (and at times not so willingly) I give these burdens to Him and when I release my grasp on them, it is in that place that the joy overflows!
"There is a kind of happiness and wonder that makes you serious. It is too good to waste on jokes."--The Last Battle, C.S. Lewis
This joy, this beautiful treasure that He's given me, it is a serious thing. It is too serious to waste on any joke, for this is who I am becoming. I am striving daily, fighting with all I have in me to be ever like this man that has stolen my heart. Jesus. It is not meant to be used flippantly, to be claimed when I do not truly posses it, for once you have tasted of it, no other "joy" compares to what He gives. For Jesus clearly possessed this great and abiding joy. I am learning more and more that the man He was, the man He still is, was a man of joy. In fact, He is the first person that God clearly and specifically talks about having joy.
"You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy." -Hebrews 1:9
He was anointed with joy! This was who God created Him to be! This to me, is exciting and world altering news. Just as much as He is the judge, the rider on the white steed with a sword protruding from His mouth, the man who overturned the money changer's tables, who wept for Lazarus and Jerusalem, just as much as all of this, He was a man of joy! It is a wonderful facet of His character that I desire to know more and more of. I am not wanting to know this aspect alone, for if I only focused on His joy and never meditated on any other part of Him, I would have only a part of the picture and would miss out on all that He is. And I do desire to know all of Him. So, do not misunderstand me when I speak of His joy and how important it is in my life, I am not wanting this alone, I want to be like Jesus and in order to do this, I must take on all that He is.
Yet, I am so excited about His joy! I am excited that not only is Jesus a man of joy, but God the Father is just as full of joy. Staggering thought, I know! But, clearly He states this fact.
"The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven." -Hebrews 1:3
It says here that He is an exact representation of all that the Father is. If this is true than the only logical conclusion is that God the Father is a God of great joy! He is not some being sitting on a great throne in Heaven just waiting for me to do something wrong so He can strike me with a bolt of lightning. He loves me. He loves you and I so much that it was His pleasure to crush His own Son that we might be saved! How can I even fathom such a love?
If you have never seen the Visual Bible's film The Gospel According to Matthew, you need to go rent it...actually, go buy it right now. Jesus is played by an actor named Bruce Marchiano and this man depicts how I truly imagine Jesus was and is. He is the first man I've ever seen that plays a happy, real Jesus. His hair actually blows in the wind (gasp!), he roles on the ground laughing and hugging the leper he heals, he laughs when he tells certain parables, and the grief in his eyes when he weeps for Jerusalem, when he bears the weight of his cross, it is all real. It is real because this man had to simply learn the book of Matthew word for word, for this is all the script is, and it forever changed his life. Watch the video below for one of the most powerful and awesome moments in this movie.
Oh, this is life! This is the joy of the Lord! Can you even imagine Jesus stoically telling this man to go and tell no one what had happened? No! It was too glorious of a moment! Just imagine, this man had leprosy, he had been ostracized from society, and basically given a death warrant because of this disease. Yet, Jesus gave him another chance at life! He was given back what the enemy had stolen in the most glorious way possible and there was nothing left to do but shout for joy! This is the Jesus that I see, the Jesus who rejoices with His children when He restores their life. But, this is what He has done for you and I. How often do we shout for joy over a life restored to us, at a chance to start anew? Oh, but this is what we've been given and it merits the same reaction!!! It merits shouting for joy and laughing with all that we have in us at the pure wonderful, beautiful gift that it is! Bruce Machiano wrote a book about his experience in making this movie. Here is what he has to say about this moment:
"As wise and as perfect as He was, no one can tell me He would have suppressed all the joy in His heart and sat there insisting on reverence and piety in a moment like that. Jesus had no need to maintain some air of poise, trying to impress people with His holiness. He had no insecurities, and His holiness certainly wasn’t wrapped up in outward appearances. He had nothing to prove and no reason to hold back. He was God, and He had no problem fully being who He fully was and fully living what He fully felt, every full moment of every day.
And that word “full” is really how I came to see the joy of Jesus. It wasn’t so much just a smile and a laugh, for as hard as he laughed and as big as He smiled, that’s how hard He wept and how deeply His heart broke."
"He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted.But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed." -Isaiah 53:3-5
"The joy of Jesus I discovered, was wrapped up in His living in all the fullness of life’s ultimate adventure-a bigger -than-lifeness, robustness, victoriousness that comes with living 100 percent in the Father’s will 100 percent of the time.
Can you imagine the level of joy in your heart if you could live just ten seconds that way? Jesus lived every breathing moment that way. It’s beyond comprehension! Love unbounded, truth unrestrained, purpose maximized, victory realized, enemy pulverized, humanity eternalized, God glorified-it’s just too much to think about." -Bruce Machiano
Yes, it is too much to think about, to even imagine, yet it is all true! This is what I would discover. This is what I would have you discover, the utter joy of Jesus. Yet, not only His joy, but every aspect of His precious, glorious, wonderful character. Just do not forget about joy. The clip below is the last scene in "The Gospel According to Matthew" There is a point when Jesus looks directly into the camera and as you watch it, I want you to imagine He is speaking this directly to you. I would have you leave this blog desiring more of His joy and running to seek it out. May you find His joy in your life today.
Darkness has crept in. Sitting tucked away in a cozy little breakfast nook, staring out over a city twinkling with lights, my heart is full. My life is full. There is so much I would say...would write....and yet it almost feels as if the words are more than I can grasp. This diamond lit world that I currently find myself in is singing of Christmas, stockings, crisp air fat with the smell of cinnamon and cloves, and of a God who is wonderful beyond anything I'll ever be able to describe. And words are simply not enough to convey just how much I love this life I've been blessed with. I am in awe of how blessed I am.....more than I'll ever be able to deserve.
So, as I sit and think of all He has given, of all He has taken, and how wonderful both have turned out to be, what I feel is loved by this God who has seen fit to make this life mine. There is a pressing, a pushing, an urgency to know Him more. I have known what it is to pull away, to scream and yell and only have that one word before my eyes: Why? Yet, beyond that one word, beyond all I thought I could not find my way through, beyond that place of utter defeat, beyond the end of all I am, there is this place. This place of being wrapped tight in His arms, of knowing a love for Him like I've never felt before, and this is worth every single painful moment. To surrender what I long for most in this world is worth having a deeper love for Him spring out of the surrender. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, looking up into His eyes and unclenching the hands that held onto the desire so hard. Like a child holding fists full of stones, He gently asked if I would not open my hands to Him that He might replace the stones grasped so tight with rubies that burn with a fire piercing straight into my heart. And the letting go took far longer than I like to admit, and the pain was terrible as one by one, my fingers began to loosen their grip.
Sitting here now, I know there will be many, many more things, probably much bigger than this current one, that I'll have to surrender in the future. I hope when that surrender becomes necessary again, I will look and see the rubies of past things surrendered still burning brightly in my soul....and perhaps, this will give me more courage to surrender once again the stones He would replace with so much more.
It is a wonderful, beautiful thing, to sit tucked away, watching dancing lights, letting words float in and out of your mind. Like the words to a hauntingly beautiful melody, sung long ago but now forgotten they linger here and there. Far below where I sit, a river stretches out into the cold, starlight, Tennessee night, singing the old forgotten ballad of long ago. And Christmas begins to creep softly into the air around me once more, reminding me that this is the most wonderful time of the year. Whispering of a baby surrendered from Heaven and of how that surrender changed the course of my life and the history of a world that has forgotten the baby surrendered....forgotten the ballad the river sings to its Creator. Yet, still the Creator of the river who sings, the Father who surrendered His Son, the One who has stolen my heart away, still He is here. Beyond being forgotten, beyond not being heard, beyond not being believed in, still, He is here.
Black trees reach darkened branches to the sky. Lights in a home below are turned off. And I sit, staring down upon the lights of a city that I adore, in my Tennessee home where those I love sleep. I know that all I would say will not be said tonight. Yet, this is joy itself, to be surrounded by Him and those I hold so dear.....this is a life that is overflowing...
There are times when the way is dark. Though you know the hand of God is always moving, pushing, growing every part of your life, you can't see it. Prayers are prayed. Your heart aches, breaks, yearns, for all that you would question, all those answers unanswered....all of them. Things given, things taken, desires placed, desires held, disappearing, and reappearing with no warning as the currents of the sea. Like waves breaking across the shore, pain will come and go, emotions overtake and ebb back again, sometimes giving much and at other times taking more. Still, He is constant.
I have doubted much in my life.....I have known what it is to feel far away, carried down by the current I doubted more than all else. I have yelled and screamed and begged and pleaded, with tears streaming down my face. Yet, He was constant. Every tear was caught, examined, and held close, stored away in the treasury where all unseen tears are kept. And though there was much to doubt, many voices speaking out, much spoken, still He held me constantly in an embrace that at times I did not want. For to know the constant love of the One who was and is and will forever be, there must be times when, though all that would logically say to doubt and give up screams at us, we must find that place beyond the doubt, beyond everything we've ever known, beyond the end of ourselves, where nothing else matters but this: He is constant. Always and forever. In light of all this, in light of who He is, the doubt, like shadows that scatter before the sun, seem to melt away. For I have found that to doubt is not wrong, no, it's what I do with that doubt, it's where I take it, what place I give it in my life.
"Faith does not eliminate questions. But faith knows where to take them."
-Elisabeth Elliot
And so I go to the One who casts out doubt, who holds questions placed before Him, perhaps not answering them, but whispering back that He hears, He knows, and He will reveal all when the hands of the clock He commands are in the perfect position. When all that can be worked in me, when my heart can be molded the most, this is what He waits for. It can be the hardest of places, knowing that there is movement, yet not seeing the evidence. Then, without warning, the place has changed, everything is different, and the gifting He has given bursts forth into full bloom! For if He gives a gift, He is faithful to equip us for the calling. Never does He leave us with less than we need, but oh, how I pray to always be in the place of being dependent on Him no matter my circumstances. To remember that He is the giver and equipper of ALL things in this life of mine.
So, I write this with my heart overflowing! With joy bursting forth as my fingers fly across the keys of a specifically answered prayer! The rhythm is back, the dance has begun, and may the tap of these keys be used to glorify Him in every way, no matter what the words speak of, no matter how the thoughts are expressed. For He gave and He took away for a season in order to cultivate within my own heart the passion He placed there. Now, in this new season, I can see with perfect clarity how much I needed the gift taken away in order to treasure it that much more. To understand in the smallest of ways who I am in Him and what He created me for. You see, I am a writer. Above all else in this life, this is who I am. Every thought, every word, every action I'm a part of are formed into words in my head that are caught and molded into something far beyond what I can do on my own. Never is it done on my own. And the desire of my heart is that you would see the heart of the writer for the One who has stolen it away. It has been a long time since it has been my own, but in the past year it has become His in an even greater measure. For I have learned that above all else, above all that I've ever wanted, or thought I wanted, I would have Him. Dash my dreams and scatter them into the four winds that blow across the earth, but always and forever give me the One who created my heart. The One who has changed my life. The One who took everything in order to give it back in far greater measure than I ever thought possible. Give me Him. Give me Him because He has been and always will be the One constant in my life. Give me Him because nothing else in this world matters, because He loved me enough to die for me.
Take Him....because, He loved you so much, He chose to die instead of living a life without you. This is your God. He is living and active in your life far more than you know, despite everything you believe or don't believe.
Abba, Father, Yeshua, Jehovah, God All Mighty, I Am that I AM, Prince of Peace, your Creator, your Sustainer, your Beloved, your Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End, your King of Kings, your Lord of Lords, your Everlasting Father, Elohim, Yah, El-Shaddai (Lord God Almighty), Adonai, YHWH, Ancient of Days, Jesus, the Light of the World, El Elyon (The Most High God), Jehovah Nissi (The Lord My Banner), Jehovah-Raah (The Lord My Shepard), Jehovah Rapha (The Lord that Heals), Jehovah Shammah (The Lord Is There), Jehovah Tsidkenu (The Lord Our Righteousness), Jehovah Mekoddishkem (The Lord Who Sanctifies You), El Olam (The Everlasting God), Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Will Provide), Jehovah Shalom (The Lord Is Peace), Jehovah Sabaoth (The Lord Of Hosts).
All of this and so much more is this God who loves you. Look up and behold your Maker. Gaze into His eyes and see for the first time, or be reminded again, of who you are in Him and what He has created you for, oh child of the Living God.
Today was a hot chocolate kind of day, slow and warm and sweet. Nothing extraordinary to speak of. No grand stories to tell, just a quiet contentment that wrapped each moment with joy. And with beauty and stillness, December crept in like a dream, and here I find it to be "the most wonderful time of the year" hardly noticing that it came. So much has changed since December was here last and so much is changing still.....and I am full to overflowing with how wonderful the changes are and how excited I am for the beautiful month ahead. Dear December, bearer of crystal starlight, dancing snowflakes, cold winds that dance about and whisper of Christmas coming. Promises echo on the air that it will not be "always winter and never Christmas" and Narnia seems a bit closer in the days this month holds close.
It's a strange thing, that this South Carolina girl has come to love winter so....though, the longing for the ocean's voice, salty marshes, and thick, warm, air never do quite leave. Still, here I am, never having planned to be here, trusting that He has purposed every, single, beautiful moment that my heart beats, and that there is a perfect plan for this season as well. December has consistently been the month the Lord has chosen over the past few years of my life to shift and move, push and grow every part of who I am...so, with it currently upon me, I'm looking and waiting for what might be just around the corner. For, life is never boring when walking along with Him. Ever.
And so, I find myself nestled away in this little valley that I call home, tucked into a small space that resembles more of a hobbit hole than it does an apartment and I am content and happy with these days that are full to overflowing. Life is sweet and beautiful and hard and I'm quite smitten with it really. It is true that this time last year, things were so very different, as they were the year before that and the one before that. It seems that with each year that begins to wind down, I find myself looking back and murmuring, "If someone had told me this time last year I'd be where I am now, I wouldn't have believed them!" And yet, this is the consistent pattern throughout the years that fly by so swiftly. The changes have been at times easier than breathing and at others seeming to steal away the very breath from my lungs with the pain they wrought, and yet still I can say, He is faithful and knows me far better than I know myself. For with each change, be it hard or easy, His purpose is ever engraved a little deeper on my heart, His love understood more and more, His goodness, His joy, His very heart opened and exposed to my ever widening eyes with each moment gone by. Yes, He is good. So, though I may not understand His timing or purpose, I don't need to, I only need to look back on His faithfulness over my entire life and trust....
If you and I were sitting here in this moment, I'd tell you the same thing for your life. That even though you may not understand why the Lord is doing what He's doing or why in the world He's chosen to let things happen (or not happen) in the timing He has, still just trust. Trust that He has your life in His hands, He sees the beginning from the end, and He will work every single moment you can't understand to His glory and for your good. Because, He simply loves you....so much...
(This post was written to the first song on the playlist to the left. Please click the play button if you'd like music while you're reading.)
A whisper...a song...a violin bow gently pulled across strings that willingly give up the notes whose burden they carry. Away like light across the surface of the sea....Be still. And you are. The whisper.....gently it comes, echoing through every corner, every bend, every dip, every hollow of your heart. Be still. And you are. Yet, the words....you try to grasp them, you strain to hear the words of a song that you know you've heard before. Stop. There. Almost. Not quite. Listen.
A breeze wraps itself around you, the quiet is deep, the Voice is there. Can you hear? Be still. Like a song written for your soul alone. Like a melody you know as sure as you've known anything in your life, it plays. For you. You know this Voice, this song, this whisper in the stillness. Though you may have pushed it away, never listening, turning from all you were made for, still, in the deepest well of your beating heart, you recognize this Voice. And every fiber of your being responds to the Voice of the one who wrought you in the untold depths before another person had seen your face, heard your voice, spoke your name. There, in the heart He imagined, in the soul He painted as a master artist paints a picture on white canvas, He held the brush that swept and spun, twisting and turning, creating His masterpiece. And your soul, your heart, all that you are was painted into a canvas of living, breathing color that reflects the Hand who wields the brush of your life.
Be still, oh child of God. For He loves you with a love untold. You are the living vision of a God who is calling unto the heart and soul He created. Can you hear? Can you feel the living God whisper your name? With each sunset that alights the clouds on fire, with every note of every song that has touched the deepest part of your being, with each tear falling from the weeping clouds above, this is His whisper, His call, His hand gently turning the face He created to gaze into the deepest eyes of Love Untold. No matter where you go, no matter how far you run, He is there, in every breeze that kisses your face, in every wave that crashes and echoes upon every shore of every coast throughout the universe and beyond.
A whisper.....there.
Listen, oh child of God. For He has loved you with an everlasting love, it never fails, and it will endure throughout the ages of this world and into eternity. Look into the face of your God and know. Know that to live is to know who He is. To be fulfilled is to reach out and take what He has already given.
For the world in which you live echoes every beat of His heart for you.
"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10
"...I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness." Jeremiah 31:3
(This post was written to the first two songs on the playlist to the left. Please click the play button if you'd like music while you're reading.)
Evening is creeping in, creating black tree silhouettes against the deep blue of twilight. So many thoughts drift in and out, not pressing or urgent, just simply waltzing by, asking to be thought upon. It is here, in the quiet of the evening that the deep stillness of my God creeps into my very soul. And all that is and all that was and everything that is yet to come, all that I cannot begin to fathom in this moment, none of it matters in the deep with Him.
One by one, against the deepening black of the night's canvas, out from wherever stars sleep during day's bright light they come, twinkling with laughter and joy, smiling at the One who created the heavens in which they call home. And I look in wonder, gazing through the grid of His deep stillness upon this perfectly wonderful, utterly ordinary evening, knowing that in this ordinary place, much that is extraordinary can be found when seen through His eyes. For I am being taught more and more by my great God, that through His most ordinary Son, the extraordinary was culminated. In the ordinary, in the face that bore no beauty that we would esteem it, in the humanness and unlikely form of this man, in Him was born all that is extraordinary and irresistible, beautifully displayed through all that was most ordinary.
It has and will continue to amaze me how the smallest things in this life are used by such a big God to reflect how much He loves us, how much His Son loves us. The notes of a song, the words of a quote, laughter, tears, clouds painted with colors of fire, or the dark canvas of an evening sky sprinkled with stars twinkling laughter down upon us. No matter how small, no matter how meaningless, He uses it all. Throughout history gone by, with each day that passed by with no notice, He perfectly used the nothingness to create that which would forever alter time and space and lives innumerable. Like ripples on the glass surface of a lake, all that is effects all that will be, for His hand is upon the clock that births the moments we do not ponder. All that slips by our eyes unnoticed, all that our ears do not hear, whether we notice or not, we are used. A player in the ripple, an ordinary part of an extraordinary plan, and what then is our greatest fault? Apathy. For all we do not see or hear or feel, is then chalked up to being ordinary and meaningless. We are wrong. Every moment we draw breath, every word we speak, every move we make, it means more than we know. Yet, so willing are we to believe that we mean nothing in the grand scheme of all this, that we can slip by unnoticed. Ah, but noticed we are, by more than we'll ever in this life be able to understand. And in our apathy is wrought the deepest affect of all, for if we only knew, if we but understood that we are a part of His plan, if we let this knowledge fuel our lives and guide each decision made, the world would forever and unequivocally be changed.
There it is. We are to be as Jesus was and is. He was ordinary, He never intentionally drew attention to Himself, and yet, He shown with the brightness of His extraordinary Father, continually being the ripple that affected those around Him to look up...to always look up into the face of a God that gazed with such love upon His children.
He was the ordinary reflecting the extraordinary. And we think we mean nothing? We think we are ordinary, and so we are. But oh, we are to shine forth with the light of the Son who is the reflection of every good and perfect thing in this world.
That, is an astounding, life altering, never be the same again, thought.
And I am overwhelmed at this God who would call unto my heart, who would whisper His great love in each passing moment, in every beautiful, ordinary second that passes in this most wonderful life He has given.
Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls; All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me. The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; And His song will be with me in the night. A prayer to the God of my life.
"You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write."
-Saul Bellow
It's that last word we have to have, that nagging to come out, won't let you sleep, don't think for one second you'll have any peace, can't stop thinking about it word that just. won't. stop. This is what it is to write. This is what it is to have an incessant need to communicate with those who care to read (because, so often we write so much better than we talk) what we've written, no matter the cost. And so we stay up. We burn the midnight oil, though more often than not we honestly can't afford to. Yet, we do it anyway. We write. For, to have something to write residing in us, and to not have it come out is...death. Write or die. Dramatic? Probably;-) But, not for those who have felt it. What is it to be a writer? This:
"A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people."
-Thomas Mann
Yes. It's harder, painful at times, but still and still yet, we do it. Not because we have a choice, because trust me, there are times I'd like nothing more than to stop longing with every breath I draw into my lungs to write. Write. Write. About what? Everything. For life is one long novel in our minds, an endless parade of words that dance before us, somehow just out of our reach...and what we do manage to capture is but a shadow of what we saw, what we felt, what we know. Yes, we write what we know, what our souls are made up of, what our hearts dwell upon.
So, then let me ask you...who do you read? What do you read? For I can assure you, the author in whose words you have fallen in love with are but the reflection of what your soul and heart hold. What you enjoy immersing yourself in, it is the mirror in which is reflected all that which resides in the deepest corners of your heart. To be a writer is simply to find the words that others cannot, but long to. And so, if you have connected with written words, there is good reason.
I have thought about this often, and as Jane Austen stated, "Let other pens dwell on guilt and misery." As a writer, what mirror am I offering my readers? What concerns me when I write? What am I trying to convey? The truth. Always and forever may it be that. And may it be given to me from the Author and finisher of our faith for as long as I breathe the air He has put in my lungs. If I cannot write that which He would have me write, it is all vanity. If this is a gift He has given me, then may it forever and always be used to glorify Him, to point my readers to Him, to reflect Him. This is the mirror that I would have, that when you read the smallest things I write, no matter how normal and commonplace they may be, that you would leave knowing how much He loves you. That He has given beauty to even the smallest, most ordinary moments, if we will but take the time to gaze into His eyes and see as He sees.
"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life, and you will save it."
"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said
Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do
you say piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting
today?" said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he
said.
-A.A. Milne
Good morning! Shall you come over for a steaming mug of
coffee, tea, or chai? I'd love it if you would! The air here is just crisp
enough for a nice hot mug of something....besides, there will be toast with
honey and that just makes mornings worth waking up for! And, I've definitely
discovered that I'm in love with meeting friends early in the morning, before
the day has really begun, and becoming lost in whomever I'm meeting and
whatever they might be saying at said time. So, consider this your open
invitation to come meet me for breakfast anytime to talk about whatever might
be on your heart....because, there are times when you just need someone to
listen to all the words that have built up, all the thoughts you think no one
will understand, all the words that want to come out so much they hurt. Yeah. I
know that feeling.
On my heart this morning? A lot. Most of all? Being
transparent. Not transparent in the "good grief that woman doesn't hide
anything at all, EVER" kind of way. Being transparent in the way that
projects who I really am into the way I write, that showcases the real person I
am on this blog, and actually connects all this with who I am in real life.
Because, if I wanted to be someone completely different than me, this would be
the perfect place to do it. However, that is not at all what I want to do. I
want to write here and have you know me, and then meet me in real life and say
"that's exactly what I thought she'd be like!" I want to write only
what I'd actually say and talk about for real, beyond the vast space of the
internet. This has really been on my heart the last couple days since starting
another blog.
I've seen way too often lately just how much our ideas of
people, who they are, what we thought they'd be like, especially those we
esteem, connects and molds how we look and think about God. Not that this is a
good thing. We should never allow how someone else is to influence how we think
about our God, but the reality is that this does actually happen. I've let it
happen in my own life. But, I don't ever want to let someone influence my
perception of who He is again....and hence, I don't want to live my life in
such a way that when others look at me, I skew their perception of who Jesus
is. I desire to be transparent, to be the "what you see is what you
get" kind of woman, the woman who demonstrates Jesus's character, gives
glory to Him, and points others to do the same thing. Because, honestly, that's
all that matters at the end of the day, that I've showcased who He is, that
I've had no pretenses with those around me, and that they've left me thinking
of Him.
Will I mess up? Yes. Will I let those around me down? You can
count on it, because I'm human, because I screw up, but Jesus has looked at me
and said, "Yet, I love you too much to leave you the way you are."
So, it is a continuous pattern of striving to be like Him, of falling but as
soon as we see what tripped us, to jump up and not let our foot get caught in
the same dip in the road. Most of all, it's being transparent, not pretending
like I didn't fall or never get it wrong, but to be able to say "I fell! I
messed up! But He is bigger than me and through His power in me, through His
Spirit living in me, I'm getting back up and giving all the glory to
Him!!"
I haven't written in a year, hence, it is highly possible that my posting will be a bit more frequent in the coming days than is normal. You see, though my thoughts are rusty and do not come out with the ease that they did then, the more I write, the more I think about life in the context of words written once again, the more the thoughts become oiled and perhaps...at some point in the future...they'll once again be a well oiled machine. For now, what you're getting are very stiff and disjointed thoughts...please bear with me until further notice...actually, you'll notice as they become less disjointed, I'm sure.
Also, what I wrote about then may differ a good bit from what I write about now. Life does that to a writer. Time does that. Experience does that. And what was is not, and some that was still is....but, the greatest change seems to be, well, change.Change.....the only constant thing in this life. I've thought about it much in the months between all that was there and all that is here. Reliable, consistent, unchanging, change. Yes, it came and took away what I thought would always be...which is a very naive way to view life. I was naive. And it was not just one thing in particular that changed, but everything. I changed the most of all.
It's terrifying to have all of that happen at once and there's nothing so far that I can compare to it in my life. The world tilted on its axis and when it righted itself again, I stood somewhere I'd never stood before. So, what is one to do? The only thing you can, I suppose. You look around at the change, perhaps struggle through the getting used to it, and then you either change for the better and allow what is being worked in you to actually work, or you don't. There really is only one of two things to choose from. I chose to let it all be worked in me. I chose to allow my God to have His way, though I struggled...a lot...and in the end found that what had changed in me was far better to what I had been before. But, ouch. Ouch!! It's never painless, He never promises a life free of pain or hard stuff or struggles. He promises that He'll be there with us every single step of the journey, but there is pain. Always.Yet, He knows this and understands it far better than we do. So, He can with a full understanding of what we're struggling with, lean down, take our face between His hands, and while gazing into our eyes with perfect confidence say, "Do you know how much I love you? Do you understand that this is all about the journey you and I are on, and though it hurts at times, I will work all the pain you are feeling now to My glory, if you will allow me to? Because I love you, and I will do whatever it takes to bring you to the place where you and I are all that matter in your life."
And I can say with perfect confidence, when you hear these words echo through your heart, whispered by your God who loves you more than you can imagine, you will know with every single fiber of your being that, beyond the pain, beyond the wondering if you can make it, beyond that place where you think you can't take another breath, beyond all this is a place of beauty like you have never known. He LOVES you. He LOVES you. HE LOVES YOU! Take heart, because He loves you...
" I like flaws. I think they make things interesting."
-Sarah Dessen
I agree. I've learned with a vengeance that I, and everyone else that walks this breath-taking planet on which we reside are terribly, beautifully, wonderfully flawed. This is, however, no reason to not pour into them every single thing that I possess in me. Because, if I'm not willing to pour into those around me who are flawed, I don't deserve for my God to do the same with me...and oh, how He pours into me with each breath I breathe, with every beat of my heart, with each step I take down this path He's set before me. Pretty astounding thought!
So, I just wanted to get that out there straight off. And I wanted to thank you for coming by and reading the random thoughts of this woman who is very small, but who loves a very big God! He thinks you're awesome, just in case you didn't know already:-) I hope you'll come by my little corner often and that when you do, that you'll be brought face to face with this God who's stolen my heart away. My prayer for you is that you will know with an even deeper understanding how much Jesus wants to transform your life despite the flaws, and how He longs to have a very personal relationship with you, because you fill a hole in His heart that can be filled by no one else. I also hope that, when you leave, you'll take with you the knowledge that every single moment you draw in breath is an amazing gift and that the smallest things in this life, if we take the time to notice them, are more beautiful than we could ever imagine!
Thank you:-) I appreciate you taking the time to read what I have to say more than you'll ever know.
My thoughts feel stiff, like the tin man standing in the rain for far too long. They do not come easy as they once did....and there is pain with each word typed. Gone is the girl who once wrote so many things, whose thoughts were fluent and easy as breathing. Here sits the woman the girl lost herself in...changed. Oh, but beyond the pain, beyond the hurt, beyond that moment when you lose and believe that breathing is too hard, beyond this place is one far better. Sitting here now looking back on all, it is a beautiful, incredible, wonderful thing to see with perfect clarity. And in the clarity, in the unveiling of all that once was, all you thought you wanted, you realize it was just a stepping stone and that here and now, you are right where you are supposed to be. For Jesus has stolen my heart away, He is all I've ever wanted, and to sit in this moment and gaze into His radiant face, this is all I'll ever need.
He has taken time past and like a healing balm, spread a love throughout my soul that I never knew before...could not have known if not for the long stretch in between then and now. What joy there is to be found in this, that He allowed the river to rush in like a raging beast, to sweep me up, carrying me into depths that I never imagined possible, and like a jagged, ugly rock, good for nothing other than to look ugly, His waters tossed and turned, pulling down and then pushing up again until the rough edges are smoother now than before. And the soul in this woman is not what it was when it went into the water. For all of this, for every moment the current ran too fast, for every second that was too painful to breathe, for all the hours when tears fell, filling the river's waters even more, for all this I lift my hands to the heavens and with the honesty that only such an experience can bring, I cry out praise to the One who allows that which we think is too much to mold us into all that He would have us be...
And these are the echoes that come back into this moment, these are the lessons learned. For Jesus can redeem ALL that has EVER happened in our lives and He can turn it for His glory. He is faithful, faithful to ask us to give up what we thought was the best so that He may replace it with something that is incredible beyond all we could ever have dreamed...
