I've had this on going problem since I've had the pleasure (sarcasm) of owning a cell phone. For whatever reason they seem to absolutely hate me. They don't deliver texts when I need them to, sometimes they don't send texts when I'd like, calls won't come through, calls won't go out, calls are dropped because…well….they can be, and in general, things just do NOT work the way they should. It's a problem.
It's become even more of a problem over the last few years, mainly with the invention of social media and the smart phone. Now, here's the thing, I really enjoy social media. I think it's an amazing way to reach across the miles, bridge the gap, and touch others whom you might not be able to otherwise. I think it can be a blessing and used in a way that truly benefits the giver and receiver. However, I've seen the ugly side of it as well. I've seen people suddenly feel entitled to know whatever about whomever whenever they want. I've seen a growing dependance upon having immediate access to others through this technology we now have, not just through phone calls, but every other area. Someone doesn't answer their phone? Send a text. Text not answered? Send a message over Facebook. Message not answered? Post to their wall. Still no reply? TWITTER! Hmmm….nothing yet? Try Skype. Try calling again. Try texting. Leave outraged voicemail and then, when all else fails, please feel free to announce to the entire social media world via Facebook wall just how angry you are because you can't reach this person! Fantastic.
What is going on?! When did we become the most connected disconnected society EVER?!
The thing is, I bought into it. Then, a few years ago, I swung to the other end of things and got off of Facebook and every other form of social media all together for over a year. Now, I'm trying to find a balance in this crazy world in which I find myself. Because, you see, I'm an introvert and while I've been in the habit of having my phone glued to my hand, it's more to use it for that window into the outside world instead of a window into my own. I value privacy, I guard my time, and while I want to be accessible, I do not believe in others having an entitlement to access me at any moment the urge hits them. Nor do I expect to have access to others in this way.
So, this is all a really long way to say that I've now got a seriously reliable and brand new phone. As far as I can tell, it does exactly what I need it to, when I need it to. I had this kinda panicky moment this morning when I realized that I no longer have the legitimate excuse of having a crappy phone that doesn't work. I now have to confess that my phone works better than I'd probably like it to, after literally years of dealing with phones that just…didn't. Because they hate me, of course.
So, this is me telling you, that yes, I am now pretty accessible. If you have ever experienced how hard I am to get in touch with, if you've become frustrated with me not receiving voicemails or texts or whatever else, I believe that I will now be receiving all of these.
Please do not get too excited.
There is also another reason for this little blog post about my cell phone and social media use. Now that I have a reliable phone, now that I can be reached, I will try and get back in touch with you before months and months go by. However, this is also me making a confession.
Ok, here it is:
I am an introvert. Seriously. I can do a really good job of convincing you that I'm not, but at the end of the day, I am absolutely 100% the truest definition of an introvert. I adore being around people, but I require time alone to fill back up again. And being an introvert and having talked to other introverts, I have to let you know that I have an absolute loathing of my phone in the traditional sense and voicemail. I don't really understand where said loathing comes from, I'm just letting you know that it is physically one of the hardest things in my life to actually sit and listen to a voicemail or answer an unexpected call, especially when I think you might not be too happy with me. I literally will have the thought sometimes of, "Wow! I really love that person, but I am seriously not mentally prepared for that conversation, even if it's amazing!" I'm working on this. Also, if I feel like you are demanding access into my life, I have this knee jerk reaction where I close up all doors and shut all windows into said life. I'm working on this as well. Because, the thing is, I treasure the people the Lord has given me and I want you to know this. I treasure you. But, even though I value you, this is NOT me giving you free and immediate access to me.
Yes, I have a working phone. Yes, I post frequently on Facebook. Yes, I blog and write often and generally flit here and there on my computer. No, I will not answer your texts immediately every time you text me. No, I will not return voicemails within an hour. No, I will not respond to messages right away. Does this mean I somehow care about you less? NO!!! It means that I'm trying to keep healthy boundaries in place. I'm seriously working on not swinging to the other end of that spectrum where I don't give enough. I've done that. It sucks and I've hurt people. However, I'm truly working on that. This is actually me working on it at this very moment. Because let me tell you, I really didn't want anyone to know my phone didn't still suck…ha. But, I'm trying. Because YOU MATTER to me!
With all of that said, now that you know I have a great phone (I hope) I've also made a decision. This phone, as wonderful as it is, will NOT be going with me everywhere. There will be stretches of time when I don't have it, when I've either literally left it and walked away, or simply put it in my purse and will not be checking it. Why? Because the people in front of me matter just as much as those on the other end of this device. Because, it's rude to check my phone every 5 seconds when I'm with someone, and I KNOW I do this. Because, I'd rather deal with truly communicating and the awkward silences that may or may not come, than to use my phone as a safety net to get out of communicating deeply. Remember how I was talking about healthy boundaries? Yeah, I really need them in this area of my life. I need to be able to set my phone down and give my full attention to the person who is sharing their time with me, time they'll never get back again, time that they're gifting to me, and I am sick to think how much time others have entrusted to me that I've devalued by making a device more important.
I have been the worst at being present in the moment. And I am determined to change. So, please understand that I will probably screw up at times and won't be perfect. I might get back to you in record time or I might take a while. I might take my phone out while I'm with you and need to be reminded that I wrote this post;) I guess, what this is all about is being transparent and honest. I talk and write about it frequently, however, truly living it out is another thing. I'm trying to learn about healthy boundaries in a world filled with none. I'm trying to navigate being accessible while not having those around me dependent and needy of my every waking moment.
The other reason for all of this…and I'm not feeling super articulate about it…is that, I want you to know how much I love you. I really do. If you are truly in my life with access to my phone number or a real life relationship with me, you seriously matter so much to me. Even when I suck at letting you know. I've sucked at that a lot over the last couple years. The thing was, I used the hurt I experienced to justify the fact that I didn't need to respond or call back or explain because it just simply hurt too much. That's a lousy excuse. I was wrong. In so many ways, but especially in this. Pain is no excuse to stop communicating.
New phone, new rules:) I love all of you. Please have grace while I learn to clumsily navigate this thing called life.
P.S. My immediate family aka, siblings, grandparents, and parents are not being talked to in this post. You are THE priority in my life so, I WILL return calls and texts as soon as humanly possible…hopefully you will benefit the most from my reliable phone;)
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