i want it all.

But, what if you've used up not only your courage, but your bravery as well, with a feat that (you feel) resembles Frodo taking the ring into Mordor? Yes, I am referencing The Lord Of The Rings. No, you are not allowed to laugh. If you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a complete nerd. Also, I adore Tolkien (not to be confused with my deep love for Lewis) and if I could sit down in a pub with him and have a beer while talking about how dang hard it is to do life and write, I would. If I could sit and talk about life with he AND Lewis, I could safely say that I'd be ready to die and go home thereafter, because what more could you possibly want?!

Seeing how that's not likely to happen anytime soon in this life, I am hoping to have long drawn out conversations with them in Heaven. Also, I for now must settle with referencing and admiring their works, while trying to not ever compare my seriously lacking literary knowledge to theirs. Whew.

Back to courage.

Running seriously low in said courageous department and generally would like to borrow a hole (if you have one I can utilize, please, leave me a comment below) to crawl into for the next few weeks. Life is hard. Really hard. And as much as I don't care what people think, I struggle with really caring what people think. Does it dictate my actions? No. Does it still get to me? Yeah. It does.

For example: I'm standing in the kitchen and this completely random woman, whose thoughts on my life I could care less about, pulls back and shoots in my general direction after about a minute of conversation, "Well, YOU just need to decide what you want!" 

:ouch:

My reply: "Well, I just want it ALL." While thinking, "Thank YOU very much!" Followed by an intense desire to stamp my foot like a two year old.

It's the truth though. I want it all. I want to do it all. I don't want to look back over the span of my years and regret what I haven't done or what I have done or what I possibly, maybe, might have done. Up to this point, I can honestly say with complete sincerity, I don't regret anything. I'm 28 years old and I don't regret anything. Yet. I would like to not start building regrets at this point. I want to live, breathe, travel, eat good food, work hard, write better, love harder, care deeper, put others first, put myself last, be a swinger of birches, run with abandon, drink beautiful wine, laugh with pure joy, think outside the box, and know my God far more than I do in this moment.

I want it all. I want to truly be a picture of what Jesus is like. All of Him. To be transparent and unguarded, just loving Him and letting that spill  out to those around me. I want to just simply do life with those in my little corner of the universe at the present moment, living out the Gospel and when necessary using words to explain it. Life. I want to do it well.

I may be lacking courage because of things feeling like they're floating in mid-air, but when my feet hit the ground again, I want to run the race before me with eternity in sight, as fast and as hard as I can. Because the sand runs quickly through the hour glass of time and the grains flowing away will never be caught up again. So, I want to let them run through my hands with each grain being felt.

I am not courageous. I'm human. But, I want to be brave and face the things that scare me most, standing my ground and not ever backing down. I want to live with the knowledge that this life is temporary but eternity is not.

This knowledge has made all the difference.

I want it all.

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.

And so I dream of going back to be.

It's when I'm weary of considerations,

And life is too much like a pathless wood

Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs

Broken across it, and one eye is weeping

From a twig's having lashed across it open.

I'd like to get away from earth awhile

And then come back to it and begin over.

May no fate willfully misunderstand me

And half grant what I wish and snatch me away

Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:

I don't know where it's likely to go better.

I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,

And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk

Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,

But dipped its top and set me down again.

That would be good both going and coming back.

One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

~Robert Frost~

i know this...

(nope, none of the pictures below are mine)

Write one true sentence. The truest sentence you know in this moment. 

Okay.

Life is strange. Also, I don't know anything.

Have I mentioned that before? Going along, believing you know exactly the way everything will go. Believing you've finally landed on "the story" that's being written for you. I have to smile here because, I often find myself thinking I "know" about things. I don't. I have no idea. The truest thing I know in this moment is that I'm absolutely madly in love with Jesus. Seriously. I know this. I know that I'm made to write and create and worship. I know I'm learning a valuable lesson about my life: It's worship. Maybe that's the truest thing I know. I want to live my life in such a way that it sings and dances, lives and breathes, spilling notes and colors, joy and words, out into a beautiful lifetime of worship. 

I still worry a lot. About what people will think of my life. I'm working on that. Worrying doesn't equal how my actions are dictated, however. In the end, being at this stage in life I'm currently at, I might worry, but at the end of the day when all is said and done, I'll throw my hands into the air and in a most aggravated voice vehemently exclaim "oh, to heck with it all"…or some version thereof, and do exactly what I know He's called me to do, beyond what everyone thinks. At the end of the day when all is said and done, I may not have a successful career, but dang it, I have one chance at this life! One. I do not get another shot at it or a chance to rewind. I would rather live, taking every opportunity that comes and living a life that's full, than to work day in and day out, always looking behind and whispering to myself, what if. No, things don't always turn out or work out exactly the way you planned, but that should have absolutely no hold over us stepping out of the boat if He's asking us to walk on the water. Because, even if we start to sink, all we have to do is refocus and gaze into His eyes, and lo and behold, we're walking on water again! Amazing:)

He's faithful. I love Him. This is the truest sentence I know tonight in the inky blackness. I also know the stars are beautiful and that they dance and sing, sending down starlight that shimmers and laughs, telling me not to worry. I know that, even if I stay awake all night, tomorrow morning the sun will rise in the sky, gently bathing the world with subtle shades of dusky rose and lavender, finally bursting forth with a golden worship to the One who told it to rise. I know this.

Write one true sentence. The truest sentence you know in this moment. 

I want to write a life of worship that brings a smile to His face.

What is the truest sentence you know in this moment? Comment below and let me know:)

it is my privilege.

Just like that, everything can change. It takes one moment, one person, one song, one sunset, one sunrise, one kiss, one hug, one anything. It doesn't matter so much what it is or who it is that does it so much as the fact that, everything is different. I keep hearing that it's a choice. Loving. Maybe it is. Maybe some people get to look carefully, see "the one" and let it all happen naturally. Maybe that's how it goes. But, then there's another side to that coin. The side where, loving isn't a choice…it just is. Like breathing. Or walking. Or sleeping. It just happens and then there you are and here it is and this is life. This is the way it's written. Because, everyone's story is different. If there's one thing I'm truly learning in this life, it's that there is no formula. The way some people do it, the way they write about it, it's beautiful and wonderful, but it's theirs. That can be very confusing. To look at the way two people loved and start to make it the formula for the way you think your life should be. See, the thing is, there are absolutely things you should and should not do in this thing called love…but, using someone else's story for your own, I don't think that should be one of them.

Life is strange. Beautiful, but strange. Always changing and moving and never standing still, because it is a living thing. Full of stages and seasons, coming in and out like the tides of an ever changing sea. The tide happens every, single, day, but no tide is the same. The water is different, the sand is different, the shells along the shore are all different from the last. So goes life. One moment, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, none are the same. Forever moving, forever changing. We live this thing called life together, yet,  none of our lives are the same. None of our loves are the same. 

Sometimes you don't get to choose. Sometimes, in a moment, it just…happens. Just like that, everything changes. Fight it, but in the end, no matter what you do, no matter what it looks like, you can't help loving. 

Life is strange. Beautiful, but strange. God is faithful. But, I can't pretend like I have it all figured out. I can't pretend to know more than I do. There are things I understand, things I can look back on and see very clearly why they happened. Then, there are things that I have no idea about. There are things that I question and scream at Him asking "why" about almost daily. There are things that hurt and there are things that are incredibly beautiful that have all danced out across the stage of my life, and on both sides, I don't always understand why. However, beyond the "why" is the knowing. I know that beyond all I feel, He is greater still. No, that doesn't negate the pain.

Here's what I'm learning. Slowly. The point is that we love. Not that we protect ourselves, building walls so thick and hard that we never allow ourselves to feel anything. I might hurt from loving and losing or not having it returned or for whatever reason it might be (because there are a bazillion reasons that loving hurts) but, when I calm down and breathe deep enough to think about it, the kicker is I wouldn't change any of it. At least not for my life. For my life, those that I have loved have been worth it. They are worth it. Always. And no, I don't believe we always get the "choice" of who we love, I think there are times it just happens, BUT I do get the choice of what I'm going to do with that love. Will I push it away, or will I use it for the other person's good? Will I do with love what should be done? Will I truly pick it up and use it to place that other person's best interests before my own? Will I not be offended or angry or hurt if it's not returned, but just simply love? 

This is the choice I have. This is what's been placed before me. Sometimes love sucks and people suck, but that's not the point. The point is that I love. Love expecting nothing in return, yet hoping for all things. Because, it's beautiful and hard and terrible and wonderful and it can really, really, really, hurt …but….but, beyond all of this, people are always worth it. Friends, family, whomever it is, they are worth it. People are human, so no matter who it is, they'll hurt us and we'll hurt them too. This is all part of this things we call life. Still, it's all worth it.

It is my privilege to love. It is my privilege to choose how to love. No regrets. No expectations. It is my privilege, no matter the outcome. 

you're not me. perspective.

(you can look at the original artist's etsy shop for the above picture here)

I was talking to a friend the other day about being real and what I'm portraying to my audience through writing. I've seen it happen too many times where a blogger or author will write beautifully, captivating my attention until I'm totally swept up and connected to them, and then… then. it. happens. You meet in real life.

:enter very disappointing, kinda soul crushing, moment:

It's like, wait…are you the same person that wrote all those things that touched me? Do you have a twin? Did I enter the twilight zone? What's going on???

:enter a good dose of reality in which you realize that said blogger/author is human too:

Dang. Here I was seriously thinking that (fill in name here) had everything in their life together and was splendiferously magnificent to the point that I was convinced (fill in name here) was my new BEST friend because, after all, WE CONNECTED! I mean, I've sat down with (fill in name here) and had coffee like a bazillion times…well, I mean yeah, in my head…BUT, I WAS reading THEIR blog/book and drinking tea or coffee while feeling that way!

Hi! Welcome to reality. People kinda suck sometimes. But, you know what? You have a chance to do this whole "let's just be real" thing right. You and I can be exactly who we are, not comparing ourselves to anyone else, but simply just being us. I get so frustrated watching women compare themselves to other women who cross their path, looking at them and having the first thought be, oh wow, she's way prettier/smarter/faster/more beautiful/talented/gifted/etc. than I'll ever be. Clearly, this person is not you. You are not her. You are you and you'll only ever be you. Period. 

Do you know how amazing that is? There is only one of you. And honestly, you might not be a super model (neither am I) but, in your own unique way, you are more beautiful than anyone else, because you're you. Let's stop letting a media, a culture, a completely idiotic way of thinking dictate who and what we are. If you are a writer, then write. If you are a painter, then paint. If you are an inventor, then invent! Stop wasting your time comparing every single thing you are, every single thing you create to everyone else's whatever. It's a HUGE temptation to do that. I swear I fight that voice every. single. day. that whispers in my ear, "You'll never write as good as that one person over there. His/her writing is far superior to yours, the way they think blows you out of the water, and to be honest, you'll never write the next great american novel, so just stop. Give up." 

AH! Get away from me! That's what I have to consistently scream back. Because, part of this is true, and the enemy loves to interweave truth with lies in the most creative fashion. It's true that I will never think or write like anyone else. I will never be Pat Conroy or L.M. Montgomery because, shocker, I'm not them! I'm me. However, though everything may have been written before, I can simply write what I know to be the truest thing in my life. I am not trying to reinvent the wheel here, I'm just telling you my perspective. Isn't that all we can do anyway? Simply, give our perspective in whatever form of creativity we happen to be gifted with.

So, let's talk and paint and create and write and live and be, exactly who we are. Let's be real and live in such a way that who we are glorifies the One who created us individually to tell a story that is the same but completely and utterly different from all others at the same time.

#letsjustbereal

bend low.

“If I have given my heart to Christ, then what right do I have to say what He should do with it? If I am to give Him this soul, should I not be blessed if He wills to break it and change it? I should spend no less than all my days praising Him for the pain; for when Christ breaks our hearts, He does it so that we might be holy as He is holy. So praise Him; even through the pain.”    ~T.B. LaBerge

Should I not be blessed if He wills to break it and change it? Yes. Because at the end of it all, when I have reached a place that is far beyond me, a place where I am sure I have not the strength to do what He asks, where I am stretched and bent low, it is here that I find all I am meant to be in Him. When the pain is too great and the doing too hard, it is here He whispers into my soul, " Am I still all you need? Let me have your heart that I may work all things for your good beyond what you feel." 

So, bend low, oh my soul. Be brought to your knees that you may be made strong to stand, sword ready, heart willing, to fight the good fight. Run the race before you with eternity forever in sight. 

If I would have have all of Him, if I would seek Him and know Him, then I would not deny the lessons He teaches through every circumstance. Every moment, whether filled to overflowing with joy, or spilling out hurt, places the choice before me to choose if I will learn all that He is teaching. Not to look around me and compare what He is doing in everyone else, but simply to press into Him, to gaze into His eyes, and to know His peace that passes all understanding. 

Today, we are called to this. 

Today, we are called to know Him.

Today, this is all.

i thought of you.

"One true sentence. I would stand and look out over the roofs of Paris and think, ‘Do not worry. You have always written before and you will write now. All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.’ So finally I would write one true sentence, and then go on from there. It was easy then because there was always one true sentence that I knew or had seen or had heard someone say. If I started to write elaborately, or like someone introducing or presenting something, I found that I could cut that scrollwork or ornament out and throw it away and start with the first true simple declarative sentence I had written." ~Ernest Hemingway 

The temptation came today. It came a few minutes ago. To be too tired. Because it's late and I don't want to and would it really matter anyway? Then, I thought of you. I thought of you sitting there on the other side of this computer screen, clicking to see if there was a new post, a new something in my little corner of this blogging world…and that thought would not let me alone. Because, I could not leave you sitting there with nothing. Disappointed that I didn't show up today. So, I'm sitting here on the other side of the screen, thinking about all the things I could be doing and remembering that none of them are as important as this. Yes, there will be days when I don't post. There will be days when life gets in the way…but then, in order to write, life must be lived. In order to have something to tell, there must be stories crafted on my end. It would seem to me, the very best way to write is to live. 

I'm learning. I'm beginning to understand that if I let one day pass without writing, the muscle that I'm building will become lazy and sore, not wanting to move. So, this quote rings quite true:

"I write. I write every single day. 

Doesn't matter if anyone reads it or doesn't read it. 

I write."  

~James Patterson

I write. Doesn't matter if anyone reads it. Or doesn't read it. But you do read it. This thought is crazy to me. 

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of having my name printed on a book with the word "by" in front of it. That was my ultimate goal. I have spiral bound notebooks filled with words that I knew would be published one day, because that's what happened when a writer wrote anything, right? Oh for the days before reality painted a different picture. A picture of stories sent back, of needing agents, and publishers, and not knowing of editors or first and second and third drafts. I just wrote. 

Then the world changed. Where once it was hard to publish anything, where an industry demanded degrees and talent and something worth while, there suddenly sprang up from some unknown world something new: the blog. With the click of a button, you suddenly had an audience, no filters, no editing, no worthy words needed. Just click. And this is not me trying to bite the hand that I would like one day to feed me;) This is me just being amazed at the ease with which we can now "publish" to an audience what we want to say. This is me being seriously grateful in a way, that I can write to an audience that will listen. Yes, I still want to write a book or several (depending on how ambitious I am on any given day) but, until that happens, or until my writing is "discovered" I still get to write and have others read the words penned immediately. Whoa. That's pretty dang amazing. 

However, I've realized something. The more I enter into this blogging world, the more I discover some AMAZING writers who have some seriously worthwhile words to share…and the more I discover some writers who have some seriously ridiculous not worth your time words to write. I don't want to be the latter. I would be the kind of writer that enriches your days whether the words are serious or silly, dramatic or random, I still want them to not be…crap;) I want to make it worth your while to open up my posts and read the words here.

So, let my pen dwell not on that which will tear you down, but on that which will give you wings to fly to worlds unknown. A place of fairies and trolls, of dragons and knights, of love and bitterness, of reality and fantasy. For to write well, I believe there must be a balance between the two. To write well you must believe that I have walked the path to fairy land while keeping a firm hold of our own. That I have opened the door to Narnia, but come back again. So, let my pen dwell on these things. Let it write of ordinary days full of ordinary moments made extraordinary in their simple beauty. Let it dwell on how human we are and how much we are loved by the Living God. Let it dwell on heart ache and healing, on emotions and all that go with them, while walking out what we should despite how we feel. Let it dwell on this. And thank you for reading. 

the struggle is real.

Ok, let's get real for a few minutes here: 

There are some seriously hard things that life throws our way. There are things that knock you out of the blue, making you fall to your knees and change your life. There are things that shoot into your heart like an arrow and though no one around you knows about it, the pain, hurt, whatever it may be, has to be dealt with. It's there. Right now. I know you have it, that arrow sticking out of your chest because, at any given moment, I'm working on getting yet another one worked out of my own heart.

That's life.

It's not all happy rainbows and butterflies, it's not all dancing and laughter, or ease and comfort. That's not reality. If you happen to find yourself in such a season, I'm not here to be the bearer of bad news, but here's your wake up call: it's just a season.

And let me tell you what, you better HOPE it's just a season! Because if you're just coasting through life, not causing any ripple effects at all, something is seriously wrong. If we're somehow able to dodge every hard thing, for years on end, if we feel no resistance spiritually…that's when you better start absolutely freaking out. Because, do you know what that means? You aren't causing the enemy any concern. You aren't even important enough for him to put forth an effort to stop however it is you're living. Yeah. Are you uncomfortable yet? Good. You should be.

Here's the thing though. Whenever I run up against resistance, do you know what my first knee jerk reaction is?

To stop.

Not only do I want to stop, I start coming up with some impressive reasons why I don't need to do whatever it is I'm doing anymore. This is quickly followed by the most intense form of lethargy you've ever seen. Honestly, I get absolutely 100% exhausted and want nothing more than to curl up under my down comforter and never come out….or sit in front of movies for hours on end. Either one;) But seriously, I can pretty much set a timer to the tactics of the enemy in this area of my life. Especially where prayer and writing are concerned.

A couple years back, I had the most direct and intense spiritual attack on my writing to date. Like legit. It was so bad that I walked away from writing for over a year. Not a word did I type. For a while this was exactly what needed to happen in order to let the wound heal. But then, the pain and hurt, the wound that was still bleeding though staunched, quickly became excuses. That birthed more excuses, that caused even greater excuses to multiply. It was astounding how fast these all sprung up and I believed them. All the lies, all the taunting, all the screaming that the enemy was doing, I didn't even fight. I was content to sit down and listen. I freaking listened to the enemy for OVER A YEAR! What?! But it's true. And not only did I listen, I believed him. 

In the dark of the night, in the deep pit that I sat in, I listened, I believed, and somehow, as twisted as it was, I enjoyed it. Because the sinister voice that spoke into the darkness whispered things my flesh craved to hear. It spoke death and hurt, hatred and bitterness over my soul. And I sat there and bled.

Our God is faithful. 

I sat in his office the afternoon everything changed, bleeding and broken, and wanting nothing more than for him to confirm what I'd been listening to for months. That somehow, the enemy was actually right. He looked at me, seeing through the veil for a moment, and spoke against all the lies that had been so cleverly constructed for months, "When God places a call on your life, He does not remove it, Jade. It is always there. You can choose to listen to the lies and you can choose to not answer, but He will always call."

BAM.

Did it change overnight? Nope. Did I answer right away…well, it took a bit. Slowly, slowly, slowly, the words began to come. Slowly they were crafted and to this day are being used as paint for the One who holds the paint brush in His hands. I am simply the vessel that holds the paint He is mixing in order to paint the words He would through my life. 

Do I still struggle daily with voices that speak against what I write? You better believe it. Do I feel resistance? You have no idea. Have I suddenly realized that this is a legitimate call that absolutely requires that it is a priority in my life? Yeah. I've finally realized it. I don't always get it right. I suck a lot at getting it right. But, the point is that for the first time in my life, I'm legitimately seeing it for what it is and I'm trying.

So, this is the point: You have a call on your life. I have no idea what that looks like. Maybe it's painting, writing, singing, being a doctor, a lawyer, a nanny, a mother, a daughter, a business woman, a son, a father, someone who works an office job, or in a coffee shop. Whatever it is, listen to Him and find it. I can assure you once you hit on it, you'll know. I can assure you once you hit on it, you'll feel resistance like never before. Press on. Don't give up. Don't sit down in the dark and listen to the voices that will surely arise against what He has created you to do. Press forward, press onward, go further up and further in, always aiming for the mark that He has set before you.

Life is too short to waste it. He is too amazingly wonderful to not spend your life for Him.

Rise up and seek your God and all that He has created you to be!

~

"Strive not to choose that which is easiest, but that which is most difficult. Do not deprive your soul of the agility which it needs to mount up to Him."  ~Saint John of the Cross