of today and winter.

It's been one of those beautiful autumn days where heavy gray clouds have taken hold of the sky, slowing time. Golden leaves and a crisp breeze have floated in and out of the little cafe I've been sitting in as voices laugh and hum around me. This day has been much needed in my life. A time to just sit, listening to music, talking to my Abba, journaling and drawing, having the pen glide from words to pictures and back, finally stopping to type out the well known dance of my fingers across black keys. Life is beautiful. The little valley that I live in has been transformed into a canvass, the paint brush taken firmly in the hands of a wonderful God as He once again painted a masterpiece upon the mountain sides that surround me. Crimson and deep orange , gold and the haunting green of pine trees, all set against deep gray skies, have combined to birth one of the loveliest autumns I've ever seen. 

And so I sit here, blown away by how quickly the warmth of summer has slipped away, the days growing shorter and shorter, light becoming less and less, giving way to beautifully cool evenings that shimmer with crisp starlight, sending whispers of the deep winter soon to come. 

Ah winter…I can feel her in the air around me, haunting voices that arise in the dark of the night, slipping in and out of dreams born from falling snow. Frigid beauty will blanket the mountains, burying deep and silent much, allowing for silence and stillness to be gifted and taken with no guilt. Firelight will come to life, blankets will be deep and warm, drinks will be extra hot and steam more than usual, as winter settles in. Snow will dance from heavy, colorless skies, and sunlight will set against mountains whose snow will burn with its light. We will dash from one warm place to the other, Christmas lights brightening our evenings as holidays begin. Winter…for as uncomfortable as it can be, and as much as I complain about the coming cold, the truth is, I'm actually having this beautiful love affair with all it is. For in the silence, in the stillness that comes, it has always been in this season that I have stolen away with my God, gazing into eyes that have captivated my heart, hearing so clear the gentle call, and answering back that where He leads, be it over mountains and seas, forests and fields, to lands near or far, with whomever He wills, no matter what, I will answer His call and go. This has been the theme of my winters that are now gone, and so as I feel her coming once again on the air, I cannot help but look forward to what she will bring this season. 

And there is much to hope for. I have loved the past couple years, despite deep hurt and pain, they have been a gift I would never exchange, and yet, I feel the tide begin to shift. Change quietly stealing in…though I have absolutely no idea what that change looks like. Oh, I can dream of what I'd like it to mean, of what I'd like to happen, but at the end of the day I would rather have nothing that I want and have Him give all I need. For I am learning ever so slowly that what He gives, no matter how it looks in the moment, always surpasses all that I could ever dream up for myself. Always. 

yikes!

Hi everyone!

I felt like I needed to write a quick post and address the fact that my g-mail account decided to dump a TON of emails that several of you had written me from June and July of this year, into my inbox this morning! GAH!!! What in the world?! SO, this is a huge apology for the fact that you've written me and not heard back from me, because I ABSOLUTELY love hearing from my readers and never, ever want you to feel like you're being swept under the rug. While I may not be able to reply immediately to an email, the max should be a few days, so just know if you've yet to hear back from me, it's because I'm now playing catch up with all the emails I have. I hope you all have a beautiful day overflowing with the love of Jesus and that your autumn is off to a splendiferous start!

Hugs,
Jade

Oh No! - Mindy Gledhill

Quirkiest and most lovely song I've heard in a long time...her music seriously sounds like vanilla ice cream floating in strawberry soda...

shattered glass, a question, and the beauty of this life.

It's amazing how quickly time slips by without the words flowing out of me. When I first started blogging a few years ago, not a week went by without some post or thought somehow working its way into the words written and sent out into the vast orbit of the blogging world. I thrived on every moment spent crafting the words that were translated from my heart to the page before me, where the cursor blinking was like a paintbrush in the hands of a very willing painter.

Then, everything changed.

And where once there were words, all that was left were the broken shards of shattered glass where once something beautiful had been.

There are times when I can write more often. There are times when I think that everything is finished, that I'm done trying to pick up the pieces of what I used to have...of a time I thought I always wanted to keep and then realizing after much struggle, that I would never want it back...but, then there are times when I'm back in that place, looking around at the glittering pieces of glass laying all around me. There are times when the words get stuck, located somewhere between my throat and abdomen, not budging and giving me that odd feeling similar to right before you start to cry and your chest tightens up. Those times come, and lately, seem to catch me off guard and unprepared...and all I want to do is push this blinking cursor as far away from me as possible, because honestly, who wants to hurt and hurt, and keep doing things that hurt?

Those times, the ones that halt the writing, they make me hate with a passion the fact that I have this driving need to write, to communicate what I can't say out loud, those moments have been more frequent lately. Because, apparently the wound has not quite finished healing. And while the forgiveness has been given whole heartedly, it seems the struggle now lies deep inside me alone, touching those hidden insecurities that get pushed down beyond the place that never shows.

I had a friend ask me a couple weeks ago what my biggest insecurity is. The moment the question was out there hanging in space and caught between us, it almost knocked the air totally out of every cell inside my body. Seriously. It caught me so out of the blue that I could literally feel my soul start to shield all those deep places inside where the cracks lie hidden. I tried to change the subject and thought I'd dodged it for a while, but then he asked again...and there was nothing hidden or searching or pulling in his voice, it was simply a question and it was not being used as a weapon to force me open and lay me bare. And for the first time in a long time, having someone ask me something about who I am inside was suddenly not a threat...which kinda sent my head spinning even more. Of course, I fumbled and danced around all I really wanted to say, giving the very tip answer of a very deep iceberg, but the answer was taken simply for what it was...just taken and not made more or less of. Which is a really big deal for me. The whole moment and question and all of it, was a huge thing...and something in me shifted. I could see in that moment that one day, all the insecurities that were wrought with the shattering of glass will no longer be present. I could see by the way he simply handled what I said, that one day, the rushing fear of actually talking about an insecurity won't be the knee jerk reaction that engulfs me.

And all of this is a beautiful reassurance that slowly, day by day, minute by minute, the pieces that were broken are steadily being fit back together again. With each moment that knocks the breath out of me in a good way, with every post I write that hurts but heals at the same time, all of this is being used to paint the picture my Abba is so carefully painting. For through it all He is still faithful and I can honestly say that I would rather have broken pieces of my life being fit back together again and through this, see His hand at work, than to be whole and perfect and not know the great need I have for this irresistible Savior who has breathed life and light and love into this one wild and sweet life He has given me.

Night has crept in while the words have escaped. The air is cool and cooler still, whispering of crisp days to come, full of golden aspen leaves, scarves, and pumpkin lattes, apple pies, and clear starlit nights. The river's song floats gently through open windows, singing unto the One who set its waters into motion. A mug of dark, steaming black tea sits next to me, soothing the aches that can only be helped by such liquid. The day slips away and the stillness of evening settles in, ever deepening into the coming night.

Here, in this moment, the beauty of this life He has given washes over me. The simplicity of all the beautiful and small ways He makes Himself known are overwhelming.

Though life hurts, though it gets broken and shattered, still, beyond all the pain is a beauty that far outweighs it . Every moment can be used to break us or build us...the choice is ours. But, He is always right there, waiting and eager, longing to hold us close and bind up the broken hearts that beat out the rhythm of the days we have been given. What beauty there is in this one life, in all the moments that pass us by unseen, too small to even catch our attention. If we will slow down and stop, take our eyes away from all that is inward, if we will gaze out and into His eyes, the smallest of moments will become those that impact us the most. No matter what it is. A beautiful sunset, your child's sweet laugh, a question asked or an answer given, it is the smallest of moments that, in the end, will affect us the most.  Those moments we play a part in that change a person's life around us, though we may not even know it. So, may we be brave enough to live lives given unto the One who would give us His very best if we will leave the choice to Him. And may we have the courage to be broken and transparent to those around us, finding that through our every weakness, His glory shines brighter still.

Mindy Gledhill - Bring Me Close .... lovely.

thoughts from a cafe.

Morning is slowly lighting the face of the mountains surrounding me. Black silhouettes become green trees, dark gray clouds change from the deepest to the softest of pinks, growing brighter with each passing moment. People drift in and out of this little cafe nestled in the middle of the valley I call home, voices lilt back and forth still heavy with sleep, being doused with gulps of coffee. Four o'clock came early this morning and my bed was really warm and the last thing I wanted to do was drag myself out of it...but, life is too short to sleep until the last possible second every morning. There are mornings when, rising before the birds begin to sing, becoming intimate with the stillness of the morning in all its deepness before the sun has turned her face towards you, this is worth losing the extra sleep for. Sitting outside this little cafe before it opened, having an early morning conversation with my Mom, still in somewhat of a fog from the lack of coffee, I watched the sky grow lighter, remembering just how much I miss this when it's been too long since the earliest of early mornings and I have spent time together. So, tucked away in my little corner table, the coffee is steaming hot and french pressed, the eggs and toast are delicious, the smell of bacon lilts through the air, and I realize again how deeply in love with mornings I am.

So do men apparently....because, I'm pretty sure I've been the only girl in this place since it opened. Either that, or these guys just love their pastries really fresh. It's probably that;) What's the deal, ladies?? I know y'all love mornings too...or at least some of you do. Honestly, I'm an aspiring morning person. I love going to breakfast with friends, but during said breakfasts I'm a fantastic listener, because until you get about two cups of coffee in me, my mouth doesn't work that well. However, I'll sit for hours listening to you talk. Funny thing about writers, we love listening and then processing everything and spitting it back out in whatever form we choose to write in. You should make friends with a writer just to have someone listen to you. Seriously.

So this verse for this morning:

"God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns." 

-Psalm 46:5

Absolutely love this! Best part? I didn't see it until I was sitting here this morning:) Jesus is awesome. It seems that in the quiet of these early mornings, He speaks into the stillness of my heart, before it has become busy with the day, with whatever else is going on in my life and in the lives of those around me. Echoing through the caverns of my heart, His voice is clear and sweet and beautiful. And here in this place the chaos is silenced, the voices that would scream in and press forward are sent fleeing back into the darkness as light and life and joy are spoken here in the silence, and it is here that I know Him and He knows me, and this is truly all that matters. With every day that passes, with desires that I have that long and ache to be fulfilled, I'm learning just how unimportant they are next to Him, to knowing all He is, discovering a God that is living and breathing, laughing and loving and yet, serious for that which must be taken seriously. He is enough. And in this place, this is the thought that takes over all others. He is enough now and He will be enough in the future, for no matter what desires we have, he trumps them all. It is in Him that all joy is found, so if He chooses to take away or not fulfill what I would like, I will still bless His name because, He is enough.

"I love the Lord, because He hears my voice and my supplications. Because He has inclined His ear to me, therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live." -Psalm 116:1, 2

to be known.

It's an interesting fact that each of us searches, pursues, longs, and aches, to be known. I've been thinking about this a lot in the last few weeks, that I have this deeply rooted desire to truly be known, not known in the way that I often am...known in the deepest way. To have someone want to jump in forever and get to know me. For me. By myself. For no other reason than to just know me unlike anyone else, beyond what I've chosen to show, and simply want to be that person who will stand next to me, pressing me into my Savior and witnessing my life.

I'm pretty sure that as women, we are all longing for this, whether we're single and waiting on that person, or if we're in a relationship where we don't really feel known. By the way ladies, let me just say from experience, it's way worse to be in a relationship where you're not truly known than to be single. Seriously. Way. Worse. And I hear it often from so many in my life, that same phrase repeated over and over and over, "Maybe my standards are just too high...because, I don't think there's really anyone out there who will live up to what I want." Worst mistake ever to lower your standards and jump into a relationship that is not what it should be...especially when you know it. I've thought this too...I've thought it over and over...maybe I want too much, maybe I'll never know what it really is to know a man who is totally given to Jesus, maybe I should just get over it and jump into the next best thing that comes along. Yeah. I'm sure now that this is partly true, there is no man out there who will live up to the standards I'm looking for. Because, if Jesus is the standard, then we're all falling short, yes, especially you and I (because as women, where do we come off thinking that we've got it all together?! Pretty sure we're not living up to the standards of that Godly man who's been setting up standards to compare us to either) but, the point is that we are trying our hardest with every moment that passes to be more like Jesus.

Man, with every day that passes, I'm seeing more and more that I'm totally not going to get it together to the standards that I'm holding up. Whew! Not happening. But, you know what? I'm going to try as hard as I can to press into my God with everything I have. And I'm confident that He who is in me, He lives up to everything I'm looking for and everything others are looking for in me. This is an amazingly wonderful thought! I'm actually not doing any of it, I'm just falling down before Him and crying out that I simply do not have it in me, I don't have the strength or goodness or the slightest propensity to be what He wants me to be, but thankfully He does.

"Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus."  -Philippians 3:12

And in this lies the secret. We are known by a man who died for us, Who formed our inward parts, and who desires to know our hearts unlike any other man you will EVER meet. You. Are. Known. Pretty amazing and wonderful fact! Is it easy to remember? Nope. Definitely not. Because we're still human and we're still women and often our emotions grab hold of us and take off like a wild horse you just happened to accidentally take out for a leisurely afternoon ride. Yeah, that turns out to be the farthest thing from leisurely ever! Yay us! It's like we're sitting there, absolutely knowing that Jesus is the only one that truly fulfills us, that we won't be fulfilled in a relationship if we're not fulfilled while we're single, and even though we know this, that moment will hit us just right and the next thing we know, we're lying in a heap on the floor (or bed...FYI: the bed's way more comfortable for an emotional hiccup...just sayin) freaking out because we're never gonna find "the one" and we're gonna die old and alone and what in the world is wrong with us, because we're SUPPOSE to be strong Christian women and how did this happen?!?!?

Ah, hello human nature. This is really hard, I don't care who you are or how long you've been walking with the Lord, it's still super hard!!! And if someone is telling you it isn't, that they are always fine, and they're emotions never run away with them, then, well....I'm sorry, but that's simply not true. Now, do we stay this way? Do we swim around in the muck and mire of this emotional bog we find ourselves in? Um, that's a very big, NO. Why? Because honestly, the bottom line is that we do not rely on our emotions to dictate our actions and lives. We rely and trust in the fact that we are children of the Living God who died for us because He loves us too much to leave us the way we are. That's the bottom of bottom lines. Life is hard, our emotions stink, but He is bigger than all of this! And in Him alone is fullness of joy found. Yeah, I don't know about you, but wow, I need to hear this and repeat this to myself every. single. day. 

He is amazing and wonderful and faithful and His goodness seriously blows me away every day that I draw breath. Maybe it's all kinda starting to sound cliche to you, but let me tell you, get into His word, drink it in like a person dying of thirst, and without a doubt, you're going to be blown away by this God who loves you more than you can comprehend.

He absolutely does not care what image of femininity you bring to the table. Maybe you don't fit into the box of femininity that has always been placed before you. The amazing thing about Jesus is that His light shines through us despite the way we dress, despite the tattoos, or piercings, or perfectly feminine dress, or purple hair, or lace, or any of the other things we do or do not carry and wear upon us. You paint a beautiful picture of femininity that I do not, and I paint a beautiful picture that you don't...yay for being individual and having personal relationships with Jesus! (Note: Please do not write me telling me how this can be taken to the extreme, because obviously anything can be taken to the extreme. And I am not sitting here encouraging you to go get covered from head to toe in tattoos and piercings, however, I do not think any of this has any weight upon Christ working in the heart of a woman. Frankly, I could care less what a woman looks like on the outside, the only thing we as Christians should be looking for is the light of Christ shining through those that we often judge. And this is not a post addressing modesty or the way we should dress, so please take this for what it is and don't make more of it. I am not in the habit of writing with double meanings behind my words, so do yourself the favor and let it be:) )

I love that He takes us just the way we are, bringing us face to face with Him and utterly changing our lives to reflect all that He is. I love that He does indeed fulfill us, making our lives overflow with His joy like a river rushing forth. I love that He holds us close, comforting us and binding up our broken hearts when we crumble at His feet. I love that we as women can be women with this Savior who saved us from all we deserved. I love that you, whomever you are reading this at this moment, no matter your age, your current place in life, whether you're single, married, or widowed, He knows you. He knows every curve and bend and beat of the heart He created within your chest. He knows every desire and longing and the ache that keeps you awake in the deep of the night. And in the silence of the heart that He fashioned within you, it is there that He speaks light and life and love into all you are. For beyond all you are, He is. Beyond all you will ever be, He is. He is and He knows you. 

So, whether you are single, married, or widowed, He is the culmination of all that will fulfill you for all of your days. He is walking out this life with you and witnessing all of your moments, gently asking that you will allow Him in, that you will know Him as well, and He is pursuing you with every sunset that alights the sky into flames of orange and gold, with every wave that crashes upon every shore, with every rainbow shining forth His promises, with every tree gently swaying in the breeze upon the mountain's face, and every cloud bringing forth the rain, with every moment that touches you deep within the well of your heart, He is pursuing all that you are. Do not allow this to become a cliche in your life. For this is truth that is solid and unchanging. You are a child of the Living God. Live your life in such a way that beyond all you feel, He is greater still.

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." -Philippians 1:6

this day.

It's a beautiful hot coffee, overcast sky, drizzling rain, I might just be in England, sort of day. The kind of day that would willingly envelope you, holding you close, blocking out the rest of the world and all the voices screaming that nothing will ever be the same. The kind of day when the black words typed out across a white space where a blinking cursor waits, is all that matters. Music lilts and for a moment, for the tiniest second in the vast expanse of this life, I'm simply writing words that I hope will make space and loosen the vice that squeezes down, trying to convince my heart that beating is the hardest thing in the world. I wish I was one of those writers who could go one writing, not allowing my emotions to catch up and dance about with the words that come out. But I'm not. I'm not interested in writing what isn't really the truth, or trying to convince my readers that I'm perfect and my life is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong because I have it all together. That's so far beyond the truth it makes me want to burst out laughing right here! I definitely do not have it together, my life is far from perfect, and I hurt, because life just hurts sometimes...but, I know who holds my days, I know who catches each tear I cry in a bottle and stores them in Heaven, and so beyond the pain and hurt and feeling helpless, He is greater still. And the knowing doesn't make the hurt less, but it does make the joy greater.

In this moment though, when the pain is great and the hurt tries to silence the joy, I write because if I don't, I feel like it might drown me...the words that don't come out. And I have to have perspective. I have to know that breathing in and out, listening to the rhythm in my chest, tapping out the dance of my fingers across black keys, painting the words across empty space, this is enough. Jesus is enough. Beyond the hurt that twists like a knife, He is still enough. And He has created a day that is like balm unto my soul. When the quiet is deep and the clouds above deeper still.

Surrounded by the low hum of voices, coffee is sipped, cups and saucers sing out a familiar song as they are brought back together again, laughter, books are lifted to faces to be examined and judged, being set down again. Row upon row of colorful faces, their covers beckoning and speaking of nothing that is truly within, poetry and fiction, classics and biographies, all speak a small portion of what they may or may not really hold within their pages.

Today...today....today would be a good day to stumble into Narnia. Today, I would like to walk through the deep of Aspen groves, listening to the stillness that only comes after the rain. To hear the drip of water left behind on emerald green leaves, running from one to the other, clear and clean in the heart of the trees. To walk along creek banks that gurgle and laugh, dancing through tall grass, singing with the pebbles and rocks in their path, pushing and pulling, wearing smooth and shining bright, despite the low clouds above. Rambling along deep in the woods, mountains surrounding every side, the world would fade away, a distant memory caught up and its lines blurred when in the midst of beauty not made by human hands. Perhaps here, deep in this place, Mr. Tumnus would wander out, and he and I would go back to his little cave, talking of wonderful things, eating toast with honey and toast with sardines and of course cake, over steaming hot cups full of tea. And he would not try and lull me to sleep and turn me over to the White Witch, because winter is gone from our mountains, and we both know the White Witch has been defeated. Instead, we would talk about Aslan and how wonderful He is, how He has changed our lives and of how excited we are for adventures with Him in the future. Yes. This is what I would do if I possibly could today.

For there is something about that, about leaving behind the world if only for a time, and becoming lost in all He has made. Lost in all that proclaims who He is. There is something about knowing Him as Aslan and then coming back into the reality that surrounds me, knowing that just as Aslan defeated the White Witch in Narnia, Jesus has saved me from the enemy in the world in which I truly live. And this is truth and not a story made up. This is what my life depends on. It especially depends on it in times like these when the pain is still great. My heart hurts, its beats protesting the pain that can hurt but not kill, and here, now, in order to keep beating the way it should, it must know the one Who has saved it from destruction and all it deserved. I must know that there is a deep and abiding joy that is found deeper still beyond the pain, for this is life abundant. 

Ah, and my soul knows it well. For I have gazed into the face of the One who has saved my soul, and that is beauty and life beyond compare. And caught up in all He is, the pain fades and hope is restored that He will work all things for the good of those who love Him.

"For You, O Lord, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands."  -Psalm 92:4

The Gospel.

It's been too long...I begin to grow restless when my fingers have not flown across the keys in too long...and then I start writing way too long statuses on Facebook and I don't think anyone appreciates a too long status ;) But, the days are flying by like the wings of a hummingbird beating, swiftly passing one after the other like the tides upon the shore, and I get swept in and caught up, wondering where all the changes will lead. 

So many changes. A life full and overflowing and good. I am blessed. I am blessed to be where I am, to work where I do, to love whom I love...ah, but there it is, the longing for more still. The deep and never ending call unto my heart for that which I will always seek. I wonder often at this one life...how one moment can change everything, how a flash of light upon your heart can reveal things which you never knew were there, how holding still, waiting, wanting, all of it wears deep grooves that are there forever, etching out the story of our lives on the heart that beats with the rhythm of our years and months and days and moments. 

The sky is like a bluebird this morning. No clouds, only that aching blue that could swallow one up like the sea. The air is cool and dry and I am completely gone on this place that I live. 

The thought keeps pushing in, nudging to be thought on. You see, I can write eloquent posts, I could write novels and stories and use the words I pen for whatever I wanted...but, the truth is, if I am writing on my own, alone, with no purpose but to pen beautiful words, then what I am writing, what I'm spending my time on is useless. For the nudging and longing and calling is there, always. It is as much a part of me as the heart beating in this chest, and this heart has heard the voice of the One who died to save me, who loves me beyond all I can imagine, and so the beats are pounding out the rhythm of the Savior to whom my heart belongs. And in this, in Him, I lost my life to truly find it. Losing the life I had before, it's the best thing I've ever lost. I would not have it back again for all the world. 

This is not an original idea and has been written on many times. Yet, I have watched first hand over the last several months, and perhaps it's not just recently, but that I am now fully seeing, that the news that I heard, the God who changed my life, is being dumbed down to a level that absolutely breaks my heart! The Gospel is simple, so simple, and what I am seeing is how we overcomplicate it. We take it in our hands, turn it over, examine it, and decide that it must be too complicated to be shared as it is, and so we take this precious story, this news that is meant to change lives, and over simplify because, obviously, a child could not understand it for what it is and it needs our "help" in order for others to understand it. What are we doing, Church?! We are not meant to dumb down the Gospel to be understood, but to deliver it with all its power to a world that is dying!! We are meant to give Jesus as light and life and in His full glory, and trust that we do not have to change the delivery, but to have faith and trust that this news changes lives and expect those it is given to to rise up to meet it! If we deliver in such a way that it becomes a joke, that even children do not take it seriously, we have lowered our expectations and in doing so, have taken power out of what should be the MOST life altering news EVER given. If we dumb down this story beyond recognition, conviction is lost, and THAT should break our hearts beyond all imagining. Lives depend on that conviction. 

Yeah, this is me on a soap box. And I will absolutely stay on this soap box until the day I die, because Jesus Christ has utterly changed my life. He has saved me from eternal separation from Him, and made me His child! I deserved every lash of that whip across His back, I deserved to have those nails driven through my hands, I deserved to be hung up on that cross, but He looked down through the ages, He saw me and loved me too much to let me take the punishment I deserved. This. Is. Life. CHANGING. News. And the beautiful part of this story is that He did the exact same thing for you. As if you were the ONLY person on this earth. If you HAD been the only person on this earth, the story would not be any different, but in fact, would be the same. Because He loves you for you. Because you are His child. And this great love for you and I, it loves too much to leave us the way we are. It comes in and transforms our lives, so that everything about us now reflects the utter joy, love, peace, courage, and strength of the Living God. 

I worked for a ministry for a couple years who produced a short film on their take of the Gospel. I was there when the ideas were being thrown back and forth about what that should look like, how it should be presented, down to the costumes and music. Listening in on all of that, being able to watch it take form and eventually filmed, that was one of the greatest privileges of my life. So, though I am no longer with them, though we may not agree on every little detail, I want everyone who reads this to know that I absolutely support the vision and hearts behind this video. I am absolutely sick to death of a church that divides itself from within, because we are absolutely ineffective in our delivery of what the Gospel is when we are divided over that which at the end of the day, does not matter. At the end of the day, Jesus is all that matters. So, if you've watched me over the last year and a half, wondering where I stand, wondering what happened, I want you to know right now that my heart beats along side theirs in how they have delivered this film. It is still one of the most powerful visions I've seen to present the Gospel. So, here it is, please click play and watch it with an open heart. For Jesus loves you far more than you could ever understand and is calling you to life abundant with Him. Lose your life that you may FIND it.

change and unchanging.

The moon is huge tonight. Lights twinkle in the distance, a dog barking, car engines coming and going, these the background song to the words. This night is still, quiet and sleepy in a way only very full days can be.

Boxes are being packed, one life is ending, left behind in mountains that rise up to touch the face of their Maker. Another life is beginning where the horizon bends down to kiss the water below. Change. It seems to be the only consistent thing in this life. With each item I put away, with every moment that slips through the hour glass, I feel it coming. Though I am not leaving this place that has captured my heart, those who have always been here with me are, and so though I am not the one going, it would seem that my life is tied in and drastically affected by the change wrought in those around me.

I have never really been afraid of having life change. It has conditioned me from a young age to expect that this will happen often. Some changes have been wonderful, some not, but always the tide ebbs out, taking what would seem constant and shifting it even in the slightest of ways. I love that about this sweet and uncertain life, the knowing that things are bound to be different eventually, that even the waiting does not last forever, and that though it may take a bit, things will change. Doesn't always make it easier, but it definitely helps:) I have known what it is to have things shift suddenly, with no warning, just wham. I have felt what it is to have pain engulf me, jerking me up and spinning me around, then sitting me back down to see what it has wrought. I have known joy with no warning as well, having the most wonderful moments catch me by surprise, lifting me up to dance, then sitting me back down to watch the smile spread across my heart. I have known both and I have learned from each in their own way, the depth of my Father's heart.

There have been times, especially in the last few months, when knowing that something had to change eventually is what kept me smiling. Yet, despite knowing that it will all be different, not fearing it comes from knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that, though everything around me may ebb and flow like the sea, my soul is not cast about by this, but held tight and secure by the hand of a God whose love is never ending, boundless, unchanging, and faithful. He is unchanging. And my heart is His, secure in the knowledge that even if things do not turn out the way I want, He is in control and nothing can shake the confidence found in Him. Which is awesome.

And wow, it's amazing to know that if we are His, our lives can go absolutely crazy around us and yet in the midst of the storm, in His arms, there is security and peace and this amazing crazy love that just can't be understood, but which we feel with every fiber of our being! And this is unchanging. He is unchanging. Man, I'm so thankful for that. I am so thankful to know that I can trust Him with everything. All the changes and craziness and life in all its wild sweetness, it's all His anyway, and beyond all I know or can see, I know who holds my heart and on this rock is where my soul is built.

His.

It's the quiet Voice on the wind, softly speaking, gently asking, never pushing...beckoning. The stillness all around is deep and boundless and heavy. Yet, it is here, in this place, that His voice echoes through. And the caverns of my heart with all its twisting corridors and corners, echo back with the answer that my soul would cry. Would I give up what I want most to have more of Him? My flesh cries out with every fiber which makes it up, "NO! No, no, no, no....I want what I want!!!" 

His voice presses, deep calling unto deep, calling out that which my flesh does not want, crying out to the spirit He has placed inside the heart of His child.

Here the echo grows loudest, echoing back to the Spirit of the Living God, "YES! Father, I would have more of You. At any  cost, I would give back to you all I desire most."

The words are hard. Truth is hard. To choose that which fights against our flesh is....war. And the battle rages...and I am tired. This bone weary, when will I have answers, haven't I asked long enough tiredness, it aches and yearns and wears until all would be worn down to being thread bare. And yet, when His voice calls, when it calls forth strength and courage and the knowledge that, no matter how the story ends in this life, I know the true ending beyond all I can see...when this happens, a strength courses through the heart that beats with the Voice of the One who gives life and hope and joy unimaginable. It is here, in this place, when the battle rages most fierce, when all I want fades dim, it is here that I see so clearly the eyes of the One who gave everything, and it is here that the love He bears is felt far deeper than when I am in the shallows and not being asked to give back desires placed on my heart.

But, ouch. Because loosening the iron grasp of what we hold close hurts. Standing with hands open and heart surrendered, the pain courses along with the joy, because giving back hurts, but the joy in knowing that though I cannot see the outcome I do know He works all things for the good of those who love Him, this joy far outweighs the pain felt.

And His grace is sufficient. It goes beyond all I am, all we are, surpassing all I can see or feel or know, filling up the cracks and grooves of lives surrendered to Him, until they overflow with the goodness that only He gives. For He is faithful. Always. Forever. End of story.

The river flows fast, the sky dark and beautiful. And peace, like the river that sings outside my door fills the air and all I am. For, though I do not know what the future holds, I know I am His child and this is and always will be more than enough.

In the dark and quiet of this night, that same voice echoes...calling unto your heart. For you are His child and He is pursuing all you are with every fiber of His being. In the stillness, deep calls unto deep, and your Father's love would envelop and surround you. Pursue His heart. For you are loved by the One who created the very air you breathe, and He is for you, beyond all you can see or feel or know.

if rivers spoke.

The words won't come. And all I would say, all that pushes and pulls, bends and twists, begging to come out, simply won't. Thoughts dance, my heart keeping time to the rhythm...a slow steady lilt, harmonizing to the rushing river outside my door.

What would he say if he could talk, this mighty rushing body of water? What would I ask, if I knew his voice would echo back, deep and clear and true. Would the stories bubble from his tongue, stories of days past, of ages and times, men and women, and the dance of life witnessed as his waters rushed on? Or perhaps his voice would speak of the One who created the crevice and filled it with water that rushes through and into every moment of every beating heart's life. There it is, the song of a God, the voice of the One who thought of the very place to lay the waters, held together by banks of emerald green, sprinkled with the bright, shining colors of laughing little flowers. His song, the river's song, written by He who would give so much more abundantly than I could ever imagine to His child. 

I would sit and talk with this river if I could. And we would speak of much, if rivers spoke. Of things deep and rushing and true. He would tell me how, like his waters, the love of the One who made Him rushes all about His children, at times like a flood, lifting like a stone the children He so loves. And there I have found myself, carried deep, pushed down and beaten, worn and smoothed through this great rushing love, until the edges of a soul jagged are worn smooth, reflecting the gaze of a Savior who loves more deeply, more true, more clear and sweet than any rushing river on the earth. This river and I, we would talk of how pain, it teaches and molds and smoothes out like no other teacher can, of how, when held in the Creator's hands, all that once could never be, now is. For like five small stones chosen by one small shepherd boy, when we are smoothed out in His hands, we can be slung forth with perfect aim to bring down giants and bring glory to His name. 

And we would laugh too, for rivers hold such joy in the depths of their waters. Here I see the deep and abiding joy of a God who laughs bigger and carries joy unimaginable, joy overflowing in every ounce of His being. This river would tell me of a joy that flows through a soul given to its God, until even in pain there is still the joy of being a child of the Living God. For rivers know that beyond the wearing and smoothing and pain and hurt, when you have reached the end and flow into the sea, it is here, when we are pressed beyond ourselves, swallowed up in all He is, that we are held most close to the heart of He who loves beyond all knowing. It is here I would stay. In the deep. In the midst of a love I cannot explain, to gaze forever into the eyes of the One who holds my heart in His hands. 

Yes, this is what we would speak of, if rivers spoke. 

time and a promise.

If you could say anything, what would you say? I think there comes a point, when age graces us enough, when the clock has kissed us to the point where, words are more honest. When time has etched across our memories and hearts and minds enough days and months and years, that we can see with clarity the importance of just simply being honest. I think. I'm not positive because, as of yet, I have not breathed enough breaths to have time wear down the facade....but, I don't really want to wait until I'm old to live with honesty and truth at the forefront of my life. I have had my fill of playing the game expected, of living with the greatest concern being the approval of others. Don't get me wrong, I'm not interested in living my life like a bull in a china shop, crashing down with no concern at all for those around me. No, but there is a difference in living with concern for others in front of you and living with their approval as the driving force behind all you do. I am highly interested in being concerned and poured out for those in my life. However, I am not in the least interested in letting what they think of me dictate what I do. Because, no matter how we try and try and try to earn the approval of those around us, their will always be someone who looks at us through a grid that is completely wrong. There will always be people whose approval we'll never earn. And we can choose to let not having their approval break us and mold us into what they want, or we can choose to do what we know we're suppose to do, no matter what anyone thinks. No matter how anyone judges our actions. At the end of the day, there is only one opinion I'm interested in, and His opinion is my only concern because He gave His very life that I might have the choice to give it all back to Him. That definitely garners my full concern for what He thinks when I'm finally standing before Him face to face one day.

I've thought about all of this a lot lately. I've thought about how much I want to drink deeply of all He has put before me, of how quickly the moments slip by and how, time, like a magician, snatches years until one day, we wake up wondering how we can possibly be (enter age here) and where the years went. Maybe I'm an old soul, or maybe I'm just more aware at a young age of how quickly the years pass. For it has always been something I've been acutely aware of. I have never been under the delusion that because I am young the years will pass more slowly...I feel time moving all around me, I feel the sand slipping through the hour glass of time just as surely as I can feel the beginning of each new day. I feel my age and each year that has passed, I have noticed how quickly it goes. Perhaps for this reason, for the knowing, for the connection I feel with the tides rising and falling in my life and in those around me, I have no interest in wasting the time I've been given. I would rather have a full awareness of time passing than to wake up sixty years from now, wondering how I got there and where my life went.

I want to wake up sixty years from now poured out, used up, and spent in the best way possible. I want a life overflowing with memories of the glory of God, of knowing my Father like never before because of the passing years, ready and willing and yearning and eager to see His face. To wake up and know that the years hold tight to drinking deeply of everything He gave, of loving people with the love with which He loved me, of wonderful books devoured, conversations had, relationships built standing the test of the passing years, of times spent camping and eating food cooked over an open fire, of moments cherished in all their beauty, of staring up at twinkling stars, of the sun kissing my face as it rose and set, of laughing deep belly laughs, of baby giggles and hugs that lifted me off my feet, of dancing and singing and squeezing every single drop of joy out of every single moment given by the hand of a God who was satisfied with this life of mine well lived.

I want to wake up and remember times that were hard, that hurt, that cut deep and left wounds whose scars were healed by the Great Physician. I want to carry those scars as reminders of the grace shown and let that grace flow out to others whose wounds are still bleeding. I want the pain and hurt to be used to mold a heart that was pushed deeper into the heart of Jesus because of the pain and hurt felt. I want to remember how, there were times when all hope was lost to eyes looking at my life and I want to know that in those times, my heart trusted what it could not see, that it clung to my God despite the circumstances and came out of the darkness with His light shining forth. I want to wake up knowing that beyond all else, those who walked in and out of my life may not even remember my name or face, but while they were crossing my path, they caught a glimpse of the face of Jesus, and this is all they remember.

That's really the point, isn't it? In the end, to wake up not being remembered for what I've done, but for what He did with my life.

Or perhaps sixty years have not been allotted to me. Perhaps there are only thirty, perhaps more or less, it doesn't really matter. For no matter the passing of the days or months or years, if time for me stops tomorrow, I want to look into my Father's face and know that no, I didn't always get it right and probably messed up a lot, but that with every fiber of my being, I tried with a heart that belonged to Him to live each moment He gave with utter joy and a desperate pursuit  of His heart.

Yes, all of this is what I want and desire at the age of twenty-seven. Life stretches before me and there seem to be many years ahead, but I am not promised a long life. I am, however, promised a life of joy and hurt and laughter and pain and that it will be walked out with the One who holds every beat of my heart. And the promise is that He will work all things for my good, if my heart is His.

This is your promise as well. What do you desire most at the age in which this moment holds you?

sea and salt and reminders.

Note to self: Do not read Pat Conroy when homesick....also, don't watch Safe Haven while homesick. Double whammy for a soul whose veins flow with sand and salt and hot southern nights.

Sitting still, thoughts coming muddled with salty air, heart longing for nights drenched in star light and moonshine, filtered through heavy humid air. Mason jars filled with lightning bugs, like fairies caught with magic in their wings. Moss laden trees, pluff mud, and the echoes of a gray sea, caught up and tossed about in a lazy, hazy breeze. It begins a call through the caverns of a heart who forever echoes back the rising tides the call brings forth.

Steps taken in silver gray sand...wading through white foam, listening to gulls flying above. Lost in a place where time stops, held by ocean tides, long and wonderful and somehow lonely in all their fullness. Moments drug out, stretched long and wide, sweetened with food taken from salty water. It fills up a soul known to its shores, spilling over and out, and so we answer back. We are born and bred in salt and sand, their course running through our souls, etching lines across hearts and faces that are not at home unless breathing where horizon touches water.

And the sea imprints upon our hearts, softening the edges, creating souls that are forever torn in two. For to be born to the South is one thing, but to be born to her sea, to her Lowcountry that spans only a small shore line, this is an all together different thing. We hear her call every moment of every day, though we push it down, trying to silence the aching that wells up and spills over. Yet, it is always there, just below the surface. We may live many places, we may fall in love with them in different ways, but never will they compare to the way our souls still, the way they quiet when we finally go home. For to stand on her shore is the only place we can truly breathe. And unless you were born there, you cannot understand the deep and lasting mark we carry, forever branded by this place that will never let us go.

Our writers will try to express it to you...try to make you understand how this southern sea changes you. It is simply a place that is felt, that will only allow you to understand if you go looking for something. For its salt air heals many a wound wielded into hearts and souls who thought they would never be the same. Time alters there...it will slow into a crawl that only the south knows, becoming a balm that heals down deep through layers unknown. For the salt air seems to be a cure for things that cannot be seen, bringing forth much that we carry hidden away.

And it is in this place, in standing to gaze upon horizons that touch white capped waves, it is here that all that is born in my soul reaches up and above and beyond, gazing upon the face of a God who tenderly speaks through the crashing of waves upon steel gray shores. A reminder to a heart that beats with the ocean's rhythm,  that the aching is truly a deeper longing for the One who created it all.

morning, moments, and Aslan.

This morning broke clean and beautiful, filled to overflowing with a bright blue sky and golden sun. The night that held so much drifted away and now, sitting in the clear light, my coffee cup steaming beside me, all I can think of is how beautiful it all is.

Unpacking must be done, boxes to empty, a new space to fill with life abundant. For now though, before the day fully sweeps in, I'm sitting here, enjoying this mug full of coffee and thinking about all the day holds.

The mountains out my window have peaks covered in white snow, shining in the morning light. Up there, I know winter is still clinging to the tips of these beautiful mountains...where I am below, it's going ever so slowly. Our mornings hold the last breaths of winter and our afternoons promise Spring will come soon. Spring snow falls in spurts, every day different from the next, yet, the snow melts quickly and Spring pushes on.

Amazing how quickly things change, isn't it? If you look back to a year ago, I'm sure, like me, you'd wonder at how life has changed, moved, shifted. Or maybe, your year holds a moment, a flash, when everything changed. Maybe it's the first time it's ever happened to you, coming unexpectedly and with a force hard enough to take your breath. I had that happen in the course of this past year. First time it's ever happened in that way before. Suddenly, wham, with a blinding flash everything changed. Amazing how that all can happen on the inside and if anyone looks at you, at where your life is, it will look exactly the same to them....probably would even in the moment things changed. Yet, it did indeed change and everything from that point forward has been different and I am certainly not who I was.

I sit here and smile, thinking of that day, because all I can do (though it has not been easy) is know that life is wild and beautiful and sweet, ever changing, ever breathing around us, whispering of a set number of days we have, and not to waste them wishing things were different...wishing that they could change again, that the struggle would be somehow less. Less is not what life is about. It's about more. More moments, more giving, more living, more being who He would have us be in those moments He gifts to us, be it easy or hard.

The song "Fairy Dance" from Peter Pan drifts from my computer. Lilting and soft, it reminds me of a time before when I wrote of much I do not write of now. Of fairies and ogres, of walking through a land where children seem to be the only ones to remember the way. I wrote often of this....knights and dragons, perhaps Narnia right around the next bend. I wrote often because this is who I am, this is what lives and breathes inside of me. But, it went away for a long time. Smiling, I think of all this, and it's amazing how, though I haven't written of this part of who I am in a long time, it is still there, quiet and still, waiting to come out at the right time. Perhaps, with the coming and going of one Spring, and now with the coming of another, time has healed the scar enough to think of all I found so beautiful, all that filled my days with what children delight in reading...what adults do too, if they're old enough to admit it once again. For I have been molded by the first books I ever read down into my soul, first the Word which cuts like a sword, reading through it at seven, while at the same time reading "The Chronicles of Narnia" and these together painted a living, breathing picture of beauty and magic, filling the days of a little girl, painting a picture of a majestic lion, Aslan in the one world, but in reality, the beautiful picture of Jesus, whose name I discovered at the same time. This is what has molded my relationship with Him. This is what He saw fit to use to mold me, creating a yearning inside my heart to capture words like an artist wields a paint brush, painting beautiful pictures of lands we forget as adults, of how their beauty can show us a picture of who He is even when we do not know it.

So, perhaps once again, it will come, singing to be written of....and maybe, you will find your way to lands you have forgotten, seeing once again the face of the One who loves you, knowing He would speak to you in any way possible, even through the made up visions of a writer who loves Him with her whole heart.

"It isn't Narnia, you know," sobbed Lucy. "It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?"

"But you shall meet me, dear one," said Aslan.

"Are-are you there too, Sir?" said Edmund.

"I am," said Aslan. "But there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."

C.S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

life.

The page is blank and the words won't come. The cursor blinks...waiting....waiting.....The wall is hard and I would bang on it until it gives. Until the dam breaks. Until there is...something...more. The battle rages and I want to be back in the heat of it. Back where the days were uncertain and full. Where things were before me that were tangible.

I am blessed. Blessed for this time with a life of stillness. Yet, more than the stillness there is an ache inside the deepest part of my soul for more. 

I have lived on the mission field. I have seen what it is to live what others romanticize. It is not romantic. It is life. Life is simply life, no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing. There are in and out moments, normal moments, frustrating moments, moments when you wonder why you chose this, because you are giving, giving, giving, and it is taking, taking, taking, and you are tired into the deepest place your bones hold....yet....yet, you wouldn't change it. For the moments that shine with brilliant beauty, where God speaks into your heart clearer than ever before, where children with black hair and slanted eyes stare at you, loving you, just wanting to be near you...this is all worth the aching bone weariness of being in a place like this, across a vast sea, in a land where time moves differently, where traditions are strange, where people expect more from you. 

I have lived this. I have fallen in love with children that no longer remember my name or face. Years have passed and I have been lost in their lives to an ocean of time passing, missionaries coming and going. Yet, their names, their faces, these are etched across the grooves of my heart. I have known what it is to feel alone, adrift in a sea of black haired, beautiful people. I found in those moments, the gaze of my Father was stronger still, wrapping me in all He was, holding me tight. 

I ache for this. I am not meant to live the kind of life that is comfortable and quiet and still. And this is currently the life I have for this season, so I know that even in this there is something He would teach me. Some lesson to be learned. For every fiber of my being cries out with a longing and ache to move, go, do, be His hands and feet. Be His mouth. To live outside of bubbles and comfort zones, to be pulled and pushed and stretched beyond myself. 

This is what I have lived and because I know the pain that comes with it, with the stretching and pulling and molding, I do not say it all lightly. But, I know that this is what I was made for. I am happiest when I am the furthest out of my comfort zone, when I am being poured out and used up and spent, when I fall into bed at night weary and worn and asleep before my head hits the pillow. So, this life I currently live of stillness and calm, of time that is mine to fill, to have the choice of what I will do, in all of this I am blessed and it is beautiful and I absolutely adore it. And those around me look at where I live, what I do, and they tell me how wonderful my life is. I know. Truly. I am in love with every moment...yet, that sense of being displaced, of knowing there will be more, it whispers to me in the stillness of the night. 

In the deep, when stars burn bright and time stands still, His voice tells of more, of all He is teaching in the waiting, of aches that are deep and pain that is stronger than any I've known. For the waiting has brought lessons that the pouring out has not taught...and they have been hard. I have found that when I am alone, still, unmoving before my God, this is where the stretching and molding are the strongest. Stronger than living in lands far away, on mission fields that are difficult, with children who demand more than I thought I could give, but gave still. It is the quiet that shows the inner depths of my heart and it is in this place that He burns away all that He would not have there. 

Tonight is quiet. In the quiet the ache is strong, as if it is a living thing, tangible, not ever letting me forget. Good. I don't want to forget, I don't want to become so comfortable that I will not go when He asks. I would live fully in this moment, in this season, discovering the beauty and joy that He will give, but always, always, I want to be ready when the season shifts, when the choice is laid before me, hard but clear. To count the cost, give up the comfort, and go. Be it across oceans or not. Be it in countries far away or in my own. 

The point is not where we are, but how willing we are to do just what He asks. For nothing is small, nothing is meaningless when we do it unto the God who asks and loves us beyond all we can comprehend. 

These are the thoughts that come in the dark of the night, in the midst of a move to a beautiful new home. 

How blessed I am, how much I long for, how faithful my Father is to all of this. And I am content to wait upon Him. For waiting upon our God is doing far more than we can ever imagine.

moving.

The link to the beautiful artwork below is here. Check out her stuff, it's amazing!

I'm moving. Into a beautiful little town home with one of my dearest friends. On the river. Right on the river to be exact. And I have a little deck off the back of my bedroom that sits on this beautiful laughing river. I can hardly believe it...that for now, this is the life He has given me. Surrounded by mountains on every side, living in this beautiful state, hidden away in a little valley....living where most people dream of living. I'm astounded. And life is wonderful and overflowing with beauty and terribly hard in many ways and I struggle a lot, but He has seen fit to surround me for my whole life with places that comfort and speak to my soul when things are hard...and for this I am more grateful than I'll ever be able to express.

If I have not lived on the ocean I have lived in the mountains. My whole life has been one continuous looking around at all that surrounds me and constantly being reminded of the hand of a God who created such a world, where I see...truly see...and wonder how I could possibly question who He is? Seeing all He has done to speak to my heart, I can't question who He is...I've questioned many times what He's allowed in my life, yet, even in these questions the answers have come with a surety and grace that He allows that which molds my heart and makes me ever change into someone that is better than I was....but wow, I still have a long way to go. 

He is faithful. More faithful than I realize today, because each day that passes I think, "WOW!!! He's SO faithful!" and the next day I'll think, "Yeah....I know waaaaay better today than I did yesterday how faithful He is...." and so His faithfulness continues with each day slipping into the history of this life He's given me. Faithful. That word is becoming a theme in my relationship with Him, knowing deeper depths of all it holds within. Faithful.

So, did I mention I'm moving into a little place on. the. river.?! Yeah, this girl is:) And I'm really excited about it in case you can't tell! I never thought I'd be able to live in a place like this, but even in this His depths of faithfulness have come shining through. No, it's not the nicest or newest place, but to me, it's everything I want or need in this moment. More than that. I didn't think to dream this up actually....but, He has proven over and over and over again, that if I trust Him, He will give more than I could ever dream. 

for you.

And for the first time, ever, your face gazed back at me from an unexpected picture and this time, the pain did not accompany it. All I saw, all I remembered was how much I love you, how much you loved me too, and a smile spread across my face. They told me that time heals all wounds. That's  not exactly true. For we bear forever the scars of losing someone (whether they are taken by death or just taken by circumstance to live outside of our lives) yet the ache does dull, the pain quieting with each passing day. We learn we can love others just as much, while still carrying the love we thought would be gone forever. We learn that loving someone new does not mean the love from before lessens, but instead we find that our love expands and encompasses the new while still cherishing the old. For with each love, lost or gained, we are forever changed. And in this, in the looking back on the canvass of our hearts, we can then see the colors from the brush held by the Painter's hand, as with each heart ache, a brush stroke of color is swept upon the masterpiece He would create.

Seeing your face, seeing all that radiates out from all that you are, this now brings only joy and a clear vision of the bright color that you are upon my heart. Oh, and how thankful I am for having been granted a season in your life. A season full of laughter and tears, of Jesus and life abundant. It is by far, the best season to date that He has granted me on this earth, though I expect, as a great author put it, that there are greater things to come than any we leave behind. So, I will cherish what I shared with you, for the gift of having you be a part of each day of a season I've lived, and I will move forward with the knowledge that He will bless your life, though you are there and I am here. And now I find that the wound I carried turned into a scar that has been comforted by the Father's hand, and across the scar He has painted a flower which will bloom until the day I die. 

How grateful and blessed I am for loving you. Your beautiful life changed who I am in so many ways and I will never be the same. Maybe one day I'll tell you, maybe one day the seasons of our lives will cross again, but for now, all I know is I love you for all you are and all you will become. 

falling in love.

There it is, that night deep and dark, no sleep to be found. Tired. Exhausted to the bone. Yet, sleep eludes my body like a shadow forever dancing just out of reach. Tucked away in a place of quiet, much needing to be done, yet the words would be written, the dance typed out, and so I dance with my fingers the words that would partner across the blank dance floor of the page before me.

Tonight I can hear the call. The warmth of the air, the haunting beauty of a silver coast, salt air upon my tongue. Tonight, it is strong and clear and all that I want.

Gazing out of the cold panes, the world beyond this window is anything but that. Snow gently falls, silent upon a cold ground that holds winter close, putting off warmth as long as possible. Yet, even in this there is beauty. Grays and creams swirl together with the stark white of freshly fallen snow and a sky in which the crisp air makes the stars more clear than anywhere else. These make up the dress that the land would not take off. For even in the absence of warmth, of colors that are richer, even with these cold colors that cover the land all around, the beauty is cool and aloof yet in a way, deeper than the happy yellows and pinks that have coated other places with the warmth of spring.

The call is clear tonight. If I could reach out, just there, the warmth of the sea, the calm and peace that make up my soul, it would be just there.

Yet....

.....The call is always here, always present. It is her sand that runs through my veins, her salt that covers my soul....yet....the beat of my heart is pulsing with a land much different from the shores on which I grew up. The deep of mountains ancient have, without my noticing, caused my heart to fall in love. The curves of this land, her frigid rivers, jagged canyons, the wild sweetness of the air she possesses...all of this...somehow...without my noticing, have tied my heart down and there is nothing to be done. For just as surely as falling in love, that moment when suddenly, your heart is no longer your own, this has happened two fold in this place. That moment that you least expected, coming with a flash and taking with it even faster that which you thought you'd have the choice to give, yet, finding that if you'd had the choice, you would have given it to the possessor anyway...yes, it's very much the same thing. For I have found that one does not just fall in love with someone, but it's possible to constantly fall in love with places. With things. With the deep beauty of mountains, with silver shorelines, with trees bending and swaying in a delicious autumn breeze, with humid springs bursting forth with brilliant pinks and yellows and blues, with the taste of food, the smell of a camp fire, starlight and knights and fairies and all the beautiful, wonderful things that make up a sweet, wild, incredible life. Yes. We can go about falling in love with them every day.

No, all these little falling in loves are not the same as that one that hits you. They do not hold the same power, for falling in love with a person and knowing that it may never be returned, this holds a weight which falling in love with small things never will. Yet, it still happens. For the places we live hold a beauty and love all their own. We have the choice to fight it or to find the beauty in every moment, in the small things that are worth loving, that are worth writing about, that are worth living to the fullest.

And so, I find that though my soul will forever belong to the silver coast on which I grew up, my heart has fallen deeply in love with aspen covered mountains and all that they possess. For in this place, in the trees and rivers and streams, in the gently falling snow and beautiful golden summers, I have truly found my God, I have truly gazed upon His face, and I have seen that He is enough.

honestly scary.

I've been reading some really fantastic blogs lately by some really awesome people...which has led to some questions and concerns...which was then followed by a "don't you dare write another word until you figure this out" sort of moment. Do you want to know what draws me to these writers? Their honesty. Their beautiful way of being who they are without living in fear of who they think they're expected to be and trying to be that someone else. I love that. I want to be like that.

 I want you to know that I'm really struggling with writing or saying something that will step on your toes.

 For so long....well, pretty much my whole life actually...I've lived trying to be the person that everyone around me expected me to be. It's exhausting. Let me be very clear here, I'm not trying to blame anyone else for this, this is totally something I've put on myself, but the raw truth is, this is what I've done.

And then I lost who I was. I did a really great job of being the girl I thought everyone expected me to be.

And now I'm trying to figure out exactly who that is again. I'm trying to figure out who my God has made me to be and what purpose He's created my life for. Because when you strip everything away from me, when I don't even know who I am, I'll still stand here with nothing but the knowledge that I am His child. That's who I am at the end of the day, when I have nothing left. I am His child. 

It's a pretty incredible journey, but yeah, breaking out of that mentality that being individual is wrong, has been...is....a hard thing to do.There are a lot of things I've shied away from writing about because what if I'm perceived as less spiritual or what if people think I love Jesus less?? Well, I would just like everyone to know right now that I am absolutely 100% head-over-heels, crazy in love with Jesus, and my relationship with Him is messy and beautiful and hard and wonderful, and pretty much on my part very human, because I'm human and I don't know how to be anything else. On His end, however, His relationship with me is perfect, because He's the only man...or person...in my life that's perfect;) Whew! That. is. awesome. And breath taking. And I'm truly learning that this life isn't about "me" or what I want, it's about Him and His will for me. For He knows you and I far better than we know ourselves.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, I'm really learning what a beautiful mess this whole thing called life is. That I don't want to find my identity even in Christianity but in Jesus alone (yeah, it's different) that nothing else matters but that I'm honest with you, that I write what He has put on my heart, that I strive with every fiber in me to showcase Him in all that I do, and for you to know how crazy He is about you.

It all goes back to being transparent in the way He is asking. To not hide behind perfection, behind the "I've got it all together" image, but for you to know that I struggle, I really mess up sometimes, but I am His child and He is all I'm striving to be. So, while I'm not dwelling on the mess-ups, I'm aware of them and trying my best to run the race before me with eternity in sight while gazing always and forever into His eyes.

Jesus is so good. I'm learning with each day that passes just how deep His faithfulness is and that I'll never be able to fathom it. I'm learning that there definitely is a cost that needs to be counted when following Him, but I've counted the cost and seen that, though this life will definitely look different to the world, the cost is worth it. 

Also, I'm sure I'll eventually say things that'll step on your toes at some point (sorry about that in advance...yep, I'm still gonna say them) and we definitely won't agree on everything (we can still be friends though!!) but, despite being different (man, that makes life wonderful and interesting) if we're both running the same race with the same goal set before us, we can absolutely run together, press each other forward, and be exactly who He's called us to be individually! He's faithful to equip us in this way:)

Also, just in case you forgot, He's crazy about you!!! Just wanted to remind you...

And this was me being honest....kinda scary, but I deeply appreciate you reading what I write and pray that you will forever and always be pushed ever deeper into Him.

the waiting.

There is something beautiful about waking before the sun does. A quiet that is deeper than any other hour is to be found here, willing to bear with you as you dig deeper still into the Word, talking to the One who who created the stillness of this moment, the One who waits eagerly that you may find it. Hot tea is good company, snuggled down deep in a down comforter, reading the ancient words of Isaiah, knowing that the minutes are flying by too fast and soon, the day will force you out of bed, out of the stillness, but for now, tea and a prophet are the best of company.

Words fill the air, making it fat with promises. The veil seems to lift or at least, the assurance of much is firm. Not seeing what He does in the unseen is beautiful in the deep of now. Not seeing what He does in the unseen out of this moment, when the day has come in ushering with it all the world would have you believe, holding onto the deep and stillness of these hours before the sun has risen and holding fast unto these promises, this will be the test. Yet, the waiting is sweet in the moment of now. The knowing is strong. For the sweet aroma of all He is fills all we are when our days begin in the quiet with Him. Filled with the knowledge and fragrance of Him and carrying it with us into our day, this is what diminishes all the world's lies. This is what makes knowledge of what He is doing stronger and stronger still.

The waiting. The holding unto the facts of how He has been faithful before in our moments. Clinging to a promise that He will above all else come through for all our moments in the future, despite what doubts scream in the logic of day. To wait upon your God is not doing nothing, but indeed to wait upon Him is to do everything. Hard? Yes. Absolutely. Worth it? More than you can imagine. For we are so easily satisfied with stones when He would give us rubies. Waiting will test the tensile strength of courage that He is working in our souls. Waiting requires being deaf to words said like, "I would just hate to see you miss your chance." As if we can "miss a chance" as if our lives will suddenly be irrevocably off course if we don't steer the ship for a while, for obviously He cannot steer our ships without a little help from our hands! No! He needs neither our help to guide nor will He allow a chance to be missed if we are surrendered to Him. It's as ridiculous as believing the sun will not rise without our help this morning. For if our God can raise the sun each morning in the sky, He is more than capable of bringing about His most perfect plan in our lives if we're willing to wait on Him. 

Take heart, the wait is creating a dependance on your God, a beautiful relationship and trust with Jesus, that will only serve to prepare and equip you for all He would have you do in the future. Is it hard? Good. For that which is the hardest is what works the deepest of changes in our lives.

For now, the waiting is what I am called to. To gaze into His eyes, fixing my eyes no where else but on His, knowing with perfect assurance that He is faithful, is all I need do. Nothing more or less than this. The waiting is everything.

Light is beginning to break over the mountains. The hazy blue of morning whispers of the day following, of life that is soon to be met, work needing to be accomplished, people seen, and words spoken. But, the sweetness of time spent in these deepest of hours has settled into my soul, never long enough, and will go with me into the day. And this time will change who I am in this day. For meeting with Him before the day begins changes everything. Always.

"'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul. Therefore I have hope in Him. The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord."

-Lamentations 3:24-26

of spring and an answer.

This little valley I have the joy of living in is officially boasting spring weather! Perhaps not for long, I'm sure winter here still has a bit to get out of its system, but this past week and today, spring is holding its own. And I'm loving it. Every single, beautiful, slightly warmer, second of it.

These moments are soaked in Like Rain's new EP "The Unexpected Fall". Check them out. I'm all about seriously talented musicians that are still unknown and trying to make it. They are totally worth the $4.95 the EP costs and personally, I think you should take advantage of their amazing music. The song, "All In The Way" is on repeat as I write this. Love them.

Feel like I've been all over the place lately. As much as I love going, visiting, being with people, traveling, there is still a beautiful sweetness and calm that comes with being home. All the homey things that come with only being in this place are like a balm after traveling. Sitting here, slowly sipping a cappuccino, my fingers gently typing out the dance I love, stopping here and there to write a thought in my journal, pausing to listen to the words that drift through my earbuds, glancing up as people come and go from this little coffee shop, it all feels beautiful and right and wonderful in this moment. The sky is a deep, bright blue, white cotton candy clouds drifting lazily by, the trees seem to breathe the longing to have their buds burst through. They hold that promise. It's coming. And with it follows a Colorado summer, which I whole heartedly believe is absolutely the most beautiful summer that any state can boast....up in the mountains at least. It almost makes up for the nine months of winter we seem to have;) Though, I love the winters too...just far more excited about summer!

This past winter has been absolutely wonderful in so many ways. Yet, it has held a struggle, a pain I thought would have gone long before now. The answer to the struggle has not been easy, yet with the coming of spring I have felt the faithfulness of Jesus in deeper ways than I thought possible. And today, as I sit in this little coffee shop, this verse floats all around me, enveloping my heart and soul, like a balm:

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces will never be ashamed."

-Psalm 34: 4, 5

 Isn't it amazing how, you can be sitting or going about a most normal day, and like a gentle whisper an answer floats into your soul? All I can do is gently smile, and though the answer may not have been exactly what I wanted, there is the sweet, wonderful assurance, that the surrender has been the lesson (though a very hard lesson) and that through the pain, I have learned far more than I would have without it. I proclaim so often with my mouth that I would have Jesus take me deeper, press me further, put me into the fire that I may come out stronger...yet, when all of this comes, my protests grow louder, my cries more frequent, and the longing for it all to stop overwhelming. Still, He is faithful. Faithful to ignore my protests, knowing me far more than I know myself, and when it is finished, I am always grateful. And I can always look back with joy unimaginable, seeing the work done, though I know I still have far to go.

The answer floated in this morning, though I knew it far longer than I would like to admit. Sometimes, it takes actually acknowledging that it is there in order to truly see it. As if you can just make out the image of what He has said, yet turn away and still cry out to Him for an answer. Smiling, I know that over and over and over again, He gently takes me by the shoulders, turning and pointing at the answer given, but like a stubborn child I turn back stomping my foot, saying I see nothing, and asking again and again and again for a different answer. And so He patiently continues to teach and mold my heart, until finally, there it is, clear and true and beautiful. The answer. When it is finally seen, it often doesn't matter what it is, because the beauty of actually seeing it is sweeter than what it holds within itself. Or at least, this is what I often feel....and I feel it in this moment. A relief that I can see, a joy that I can have joy with all it holds, and a contentment in all He has done. Man, I love Him. So. Much.

My coffee cup is now empty. A young couple sits at a high top table in front of me, eating what seems to be a most enjoyed lunch, the door to this little cafe is propped open to let in the fresh, cool, spring air. White clouds continue to drift by, happy in their purpose to be exactly what He has created them to be. My Bible lays open, verses popping out here and there, speaking to my soul, ministering to my heart.

He is good.

This life He has given is beautiful. I know I say this often, but honestly, in moments like this one it washes over me afresh. Moments of pain, loss, hurt, they all are swallowed up in all He has given, all He has, in His love, covered my days with. My life is far from perfect, I would never have you think it is, for there are struggles and much behind the scenes of this blog going on. Yet, wow, I can't help but absolutely be in love with the life He has given. I have been blessed far beyond what I will ever deserve. And there is much to come I know. For I feel Him moving in the unseen in so many areas and all I can pray is that no matter what choices need to be made in the future, whatever decisions are placed in front of me, may He have the glory from it all through this age and that which is to come.

I hope your Saturday is filled with His joy in a deeper way than ever before. I pray that if you are struggling to surrender, to learn a lesson He would teach, that today, you would feel His presence and love wash over you, and that despite it all, you would be in love with the life He has given as well:)

For as this song says, Nothing Is Wasted in His hands.

nonsense.

In light of all the nonsense I'm seeing on FaceBook, this is all I have to say. I do not agree with Rick Warren on many, many things, but he is absolutely right on with this quote: 

“Our culture has accepted two huge 

lies. The first is that if you disagree 

with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear  

or hate them. The second is that to 

love someone means you agree with 

everything they believe or do. Both are 

nonsense. You don’t have to 

compromise convictions to be 

compassionate.”

Passion 2012 - Full Freedom Film (1-4)

And my heart breaks into a million pieces, for we turn our faces away from those whom His heart would save. By our indifference we have kept them in slavery. Body of Christ, WE are His hands and feet! Father, break our hearts so completely that it moves your hands and feet within us...

thoughts in flight.

I'm currently typing out a dance across these keys from 30,000 feet in the air. Soaring above the ground below, I'm leaving behind my beautiful mountains for a short time away in warmer weather. A bit worse for wear, I'm wondering why in the world I thought it was a good idea to book a flight out of an airport that is three hours from where I live, at 6:30am?! You know how, when you have an early morning flight and you're so worried about oversleeping, you wake up every half hour of the three and a half hours of sleep you're actually getting to frantically grab your phone, blinding yourself with the light that pops cheerily onto the screen, to see if you've overslept?  Yeah. And to top it all off, can I just state that the two drops of coffee the airline so generously provides does not suffice! Eck. I feel like I've been stuffed into a washing machine on the spin cycle and hung out to dry. True Story ;) 

However, despite the fact that I can't wait to simply arrive at my destination and that I'm being somewhat…ok, fine, a lot dramatic (hey, it feels totally justified in this moment)…I have to say, it is a beautiful morning and I am so amazingly blessed it astounds me :) 

The lyrics of the song "Jesus, I Am Resting" float through my head phones (appropriate) and there is peace despite the fact I feel a bit fuzzy (haven't had enough coffee yet) and disjointed. I went to a concert at my church a couple months ago where Brandon Heath, Matt Wertz, and Steve Moakler did an amazing and intimate time of music and worship. I know Brandon and Matt's music well and I am a huge fan of both, but I'd never heard of Steve, let alone heard any of his music. Wow. He was incredible! And he sang a song about having "cadillac problems" meaning, what we think is a huge problem or what we tend to make a big deal, actually isn't. Most of the time the "problems" we have are blessings we can't even see. Like the fact that, though this morning wasn't exactly pleasant, I am sitting on an airplane, typing out a blog post on my MacBook Pro (no, I could not have even begun to afford this computer, yet I serve a really amazing God who provided it), going to spend time with dear friends, and generally, the fact that I didn't sleep well in my nice warm bed and that I'm tired because I haven't had enough coffee are not problems. At all. And every single time I'm tempted to complain about something like this, the lyrics from Steve's song come floating in and the Lord uses it as a gentle reminder that I am incredibly blessed beyond all reasoning. Though I don't think you'll ever read this Steve, here's a HUGE thank you for that song! Jesus is really using it in my life to remind me that I have so many blessings, even when the blessings (like a car that sometimes breaks down…a CAR….most of the world doesn't even own a car!) feel like they're a big pain. They're not. They're "cadillac problems" and I'm so thankful for them. 

AND…here it comes, you knew I was going to make a plug somewhere;)…. all of my readers need to check out Steve Moakler's music!!! You will love this guy! Also, Matt Wertz is one of my all time favorite singer/song writers and if you don't know him, you MUST go right this minute and look his music up. Seriously, stop reading and go listen to him! Brandon, dude, your songs are like every other song on K-LOVE, so I don't really think you need any mention from me ;) However, just in case you're living under a rock, Brandon Heath is incredible! So yeah, definitely check his music out too if you haven't.

I'm currently flying over Minneapolis…the window painting a picture of a toy world below made of geometric shapes, miniature cars, houses, and trees. Snow covers everything, like powdered sugar on a sheet cake. 

I haven't written enough lately. So many changes, so many prayers flowing what feels like every minute of every day to my Father above. Ever learning that waiting on Him is not doing nothing, but doing the one thing that molds my heart and soul into what He would have them be. Learning with every passing day that, no matter how things look, no matter if the situation looks like nothing's happening...especially when it looks like nothing's happening, that He is ever working in that which I cannot see…and trusting all I desire to Him is the most valuable lesson of all. For more than what I want, He knows what I need, and this is what I would have most. Not my own way, but His. 

Choices are coming, decisions will have to be made, and my soul cries out, "Father, make them for me! The choice lies with you!" For my life is not my own, it is His to do with as He will. There is a beautiful comfort and certainty in knowing that He will choose and lay out the path before my feet…and yet, there is an uncertainty which the world screams about as loud as it can…what if? What if this time He doesn't come through? What if you are left alone, all desires taken and none fulfilled? 

All I can do is smile. I have heard the doubts before, the same lies have been presented, and I feel as if the enemy is running out of material. Usually, it's the same material, the same lies, just packaged to neatly meet wherever we currently are, whatever we're struggling with. Still, they are lies and as far from the truth as we can possibly get! Not come through?! There has never been a single situation in my life where my God has not come through! No, it is not always in the time frame I think it should be in, but when I look back, His time is always far better than mine. Always. Which really helps to think back on when I'm in the middle of crying out to Him that it would be far better to give me what I want right now instead of making me wait;) 

Oh, how much I would have missed out on if He had given what I wanted when I wanted it. Or given what I wanted every single time. Not only is His timing far better than mine, but what He gives is often far better than what I thought I wanted. He's amazing like that if we're willing to wait on His best for us. Even what I loved most and thought I could never live without was taken and the taking has been the greatest gift, for it has done a deeper work of grace, love, joy, and humility than if I'd been allowed to keep it. 

Yet, there is pain. Always. I'm not sure where we get this idea that the Christian life should not have pain, should be wonderful all the time, with everyone holding hands and skipping through fields of wild flowers. Yeah, no, this has not quite been my experience, though I assure you there are brief times of skipping through fields;) On the whole, this is the hardest, most painful, most wonderfully beautiful kind of life. For pain, I'm learning, is a master teacher. It creates a grace in us for others, an agape love that is often lacking when we have not experienced loss. Never would I wish pain upon someone, however, now having been through some pretty intense times of pain, I can confidently say that, when I see a strong Christian begin to walk through such a time, I'm always excited to see how the Lord molds that person through their experience. 

Yet, it is a choice. He doesn't force us to let Him redeem the pain into something beautiful. He doesn't demand that we allow Him to use it to create something even greater in us. The choice is always there to cling to the pain we are walking thorough, becoming almost possessive of it until it has become a sore that is festering within our hearts, breeding anger, bitterness, and unforgivness like a disease, overtaking all we are. Yes, that choice is always there. But, I have to believe that if you have truly caught a glimpse of His face, if you have known the Son, the man who came to die for you, who is pursuing your heart relentlessly with each passing day, then this is not a choice. It's tempting at times to choose that path, because as crazy as it is, there are moments when we want to hurt, to cling to that which poisons our souls, because in the moment it is the easiest thing to do. Choosing to let Him come in and do a work in us often makes the pain intensify for a short period. Ah, but the balm with which He binds up our broken bones with is sweeter than anything else and far surpasses any pain felt. 

He's such a faithful God. I know my Father's heart aches when I ache, yet, my prayer is that in my own heart, I will ache when He does. That I will be filled with joy over that which makes Him joyful, that I will cry the tears that fall from His eyes, that I will laugh with the belly laughter of Heaven, that my heart will be utterly broken for that which breaks His heart and that it will move my hands and feet, which are His in this world, to action! I pray you feel this same desire as well. For we are a generation that is lacking. We are far less than the generation of our parents. And with this knowledge, with all that we lack, I believe that if we, if you and I truly gaze into His eyes, if we are set ablaze with a Holy fire, this world that is waning will. be changed. 

To lose sight of all we desire in this world and catch a glimpse of Heaven is enough to drive us into action. For we have wasted enough time on that which does not matter, on that which makes absolutely no difference. I am His hands and feet. You, you are His hands and feet. His voice flows from the mouths of those who are attuned to what He says like rivers of living water! What are we listening to, oh generation of mine? Whose voice do we take to heart? May it be the voice of the One who gives life unto the dying, who raises the dead, brings sight to the blind, makes the lame to walk and the blind to see. May it be the sweetest of voices that guides are lives, may it be His voice that calls unto the deep within us, sparking a fire within our souls that ignites passion, boldness, and a desire to give glory to His name in all we do. May it forever and always be this voice, this most beautiful, irresistible voice, that gives us the power to live as big as our God is. 

Let us lose our lives in order to gain them. Our lives aren't suppose to look "normal" but, they should look utterly different. They should be lived in such a way that the only explanation for them is one thing….Jesus. 

Yeah, this is what I'm thinking about as I sit here 30,000 feet in the air. There's a lot more than this, but for now, this seems to be the most prevalent thought in mind. There is an urgency within me to see my generation arise for the glory of His name. For time, like sand, is running through the hour glass of this world and though I long with every fiber of my being to see Jesus face to face, I know there are so many, so many, who need to not just hear about Jesus from our mouths, but see Him lived out through our lives. To see Christians that do not find their identity in Christianity, but in Jesus and Him alone. To see us loving the way He loves, for real. To see us doing that which He asks without hesitation. 

When this happens, this world will be turned upside down for the glory of a King who loves us far more than we can comprehend.